ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Love, Sex & Relationships - Monogamy is Unnatural & Responsible Non-monogamy Can Save a Relationship

Updated on June 2, 2013

It's difficult for many of us to see how responsible non-monogamy can save a relationship; fears and misconceptions about this emotionally touchy subject can interfere with understanding how it can be beneficial.

Although non-monogamy is not for everyone and is not always appropriate, below is a comparison of monogamy and responsible non-monogamy. Note: cheating, lying, unsafe sex, and promiscuity are not part of responsible non-monogamy. Complete and radical honesty with your partner is, and that seems to be what's most threatening and challenging to many of us.

With the custom of monogamy, you own each other, sort of like how you own property. Your partner is yours and if they even look at someone else the wrong way anger and jealousy are common.

With responsible non-monogamy, a couple accepts that owning the rights to each other isn't love, but possessiveness.

What about the possibility of one of them falling in love with someone else and abandoning the other? This can happen in any relationship because you don't need to sleep with someone to fall in love with them. Furthermore, it seems that when two people are destined to meet and fall in love they will, regardless of whether or not they are single or involved.

With the custom of a traditional commitment and monogamy, falling in love with someone means that fantasies (such as "together forever" and "you are mine for the rest of my life" and "grow old together") become expectations, and when they aren't met it results in disappointment, heartache, anger, and even divorce.

A responsibly non-monogamous couple tends to accept their relationship as it is rather than how they want it to be or how it's "supposed to be." They realize that if their relationship fades or their partner falls in love with someone else, that's the way it was likely destined to be. If your relationship ends, wouldn't you rather accept that there is a more appropriate match out there instead of pretending that your existing connection is "the one" forever?

With the custom of monogamy, when someone cheats it is kept secret. Because monogamy and honesty are often assumed in relationships, both the cheater and the person being cheated on are at risk for contracting STDs. According to statistics, over 50% of men and women in "committed" relationships cheat on their partners. Is assumed monogamy realistic or safe?

With responsible non-monogamy, because there are no sexual secrets, a couple is more likely to discuss and practice safe sex.

With the custom of monogamy, based on the above statistics, the illusion of monogamy is much more important to many people than honesty.

Responsibly non-monogamous couples, on the other hand, place more value on radical honesty because truthfulness brings them closer together. In light of this, responsible non-monogamy could potentially reduce the divorce rate and introduce a deeper level of honesty in relationships.

With the custom of monogamy, it's common to blame an ex-partner and their affair for the reason why the relationship didn't last. It's interesting to note that the policy of strict monogamy is never blamed in these situations, yet many who cheat appear better suited for non-monogamy. Truth be told, some people (both men and women) feel like caged animals in long-term monogamous relationships.

With the custom of monogamy, the topic of exclusive intimacy often is not discussed, but is usually expected. Is this always realistic or even reasonable, especially when you know the person has strayed in previous relationships or sense he or she isn't the kind of person who would be happy being sexually exclusive with one person for the rest of his or her life?

That brings us to related topics: Can we honestly expect sexual passion to last decades in all relationships? Also, what happens if one partner loses interest in sex or if one reveals, years later, that he or she really doesn't like sex and wants to avoid it? Masturbation is not a good long-term substitute for sexual intimacy.

With the custom of monogamy, you are supposed to be attracted to your partner and only your partner. If you have desires for or fantasies about someone else, even if you don't act on them, they are kept secret. This form of dishonesty can drive a wedge between couples.

With responsible non-monogamy, the couple acknowledges that we are all human and an attraction to someone else, especially during a long-term monogamous relationship, is natural.

A responsibly non-monogamous couple puts their commitment to each other and their relationship first so an attraction to someone else is less of a threat. It is natural to feel insecure or jealous if your partner is attracted to someone else, and it's going to happen whether you're monogamous or not, but when a couple is open and honest with each other about the subject it's a lot less likely to cause a problem.

What about children, you ask? Some responsibly non-monogamous and progressive couples create a "commitment contract," where financial arrangements and planning covering possible scenarios (together for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc.) are agreed upon prior to marriage and before children are conceived. A new concept? Hardly. Ancient Egyptians had 5 and 10 year marriage contracts. If mutually agreed upon, they would renew. Although it's not easy to address the subject like you would a business matter, it's much tougher to do so later in divorce court. If two people are unwilling to confront or unable to agree on these issues before marriage it's a red flag for their longevity as a couple.

With the custom of monogamy, sex is love, and if your partner has sex with someone else, they've betrayed you emotionally and it must mean they don't love you anymore.

Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that while love can be expressed through sex, sex in itself with a secondary partner (if okay with all involved--including the primary partner) does not have to diminish the love already established with the primary partner, nor does it put the primary relationship at risk, if the primary connection is solid. Something real cannot be threatened. This idea is similar to having one best friend and many good friends; you don't expect your best friend to fulfill everything for you that many friends do.

With the custom of monogamy, often it's "No cheating or else!"

Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that giving such an ultimatum is about as effective as telling your teenager never to drink alcohol. It's more effective to discuss the issue and to have a "no punishment policy" for your kids if they call you for a ride to avoid driving drunk or to avoid riding with someone who is drinking and driving. Similarly, such a policy for responsible non-monogamy will encourage honesty and can strengthen the commitment.

Lastly and most importantly, if we cheat, even if no one finds out, negative karma is incurred and we set ourselves up for a similar situation to "happen to" us in the future. Whatever action we take will, in time, come back to us, so even though radical honesty in relationships may be difficult it is often the best policy. The eyes of truth are always watching us.

Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)