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Overthinking-I'm not 'acting' crazy

Updated on August 19, 2012

Performance Anxiety

Being ‘different,’ ‘unique,’ or ‘special,’ is not always considered a ‘good’ thing, doesn’t always feel good being known labeled or thought of as ‘different,’ ‘unique,’ or ‘special,’ either, at least for me. But then, maybe because I am not quite sure what it is about me that makes me appear or seem ‘different.’ I only know I am.

I talk too much as it is, but I talk even more when I become nervous, it’s really quite irritating for me, as I am sure it is for the poor unfortunate listener (s), yet, the more I tell myself to ‘shut up’ the worse I get. I do the same thing when it comes to testing, I usually test poorly because I know I am being ‘graded,’ measured, and or compared, which causes me to feel anxious, which in turn causes me to forget everything I have studied and learned, thus I fail.

I over think, I overreact, I overanalyze, and I overcompensate and as a result, I over do it. I am highly sensitive, thus I find myself trying too hard, talking too much, saying too much, and caring too much. I then in turn beat myself up for not doing as well or performing as well as I know I can or could have, if only I could tone it down, relax, and just lighten up. The fact that I recognize this is a problem should be enough to cause or want me to correct or alter my behavior, and it does. Nevertheless, I become increasingly frustrated because I cannot seem to or am unable to stop myself, it is like a snowball effect, and once it has gained its momentum, there seems no stopping it. Does this mean there is not a ‘snowball’s chance in hell’ I am able or capable of change? I sure hope not.

I’m forty years old, and I have never ‘dated.’ I don’t know how to ‘date’ or what to do on a ‘date,’ what to say, and or more importantly, what NOT to say. I am a very social person and I am fun and at times quite funny, yet, I know I am not like everyone else, and this poses a problem for me, because I know I have a tendency to put people off or leave the impression that I am a ‘hot mess.’ Of course, I AM a ‘hot mess,’ only I am not supposed to reveal this or expose this if I ever plan on ‘dating.’ After all, no one wants to date anyone that is so fundamentally screwed up that they cannot manage to hold a ‘normal’ conversation. It’s as though I have diarrhea of the mouth, and let’s face it, there is nothing remotely attractive or appealing about shit.

So what’s a ‘girl’ to do? Guys tell you they want you to be honest and be real, and I am, real honest. They tell us they cannot read our minds and become angry when we expect them to, but when we tell them, what we are thinking or feeling they don’t hear it, don’t want to hear it, or ignore it. So what’s the point in telling or saying it if it’s going to go unacknowledged? This is not to say women are not guilty of the same thing, asking if they look fat in something or if they look okay only to become angry or hurt if the response they get is unfavorable, kind of defeats the purpose of asking the question. Perhaps this is the reason or excuse for why people see lying or altering the truth as necessary, understandable, or justifiable…

Dating, for me, is a ‘test,’ I know or feel as though I am being graded, measured, and or compared, so I panic, over think, and perform poorly. I reveal too much, talk too much, and share too much, too soon, too fast, leaving too much on the line, nothing to the imagination, and as a result, I fail miserably. I am too honest, too open, and too forthcoming about who I am, what I’ve been through, what I want, what I don’t want, and what I feel or think. I forget it’s a ‘performance’ test, and instead of ‘performing’, I focus only on the ‘test’ portion and as a result, I act like an ass. Perhaps that is why it goes to shit.

I am not an actress/actor; I don’t perform or act because I am not skilled in this area or in this regard. I call it as if I see it, I say it without thinking or worrying about how it will be received or perceived, largely because I suck at testing, but in part, because I lack finesse, style, poise, and grace. So, do I change or alter my behavior in an effort to impress or attract or convince someone I am worthy of ‘dating’ or do I just keep doing what I am doing and remain single for the rest of my life? Maybe I should attend a ‘dating’ boot camp or maybe I should just say nothing at all, just giggle, smile, and play as if I cannot or am unable to speak, because it is my mouth that seems to keep undermining my brain. I knew my heart overruled my head, I just wasn’t aware my mouth did too, until I tried dating that is. This is probably why I have never been on a ‘real date’.

Unfortunately, just because I am aware there’s a problem, doesn’t mean I am any closer to solving the problem. Maybe ‘dating’ isn’t the problem, maybe it is who I am ‘dating’ that is the problem, or maybe I am the problem with ‘dating,’ or maybe I just have a problem with ‘dating.’ Maybe I am just doing what I always do, over thinking, overreacting, or overanalyzing, maybe there’s no problem at all, except there will be those that have a problem dating someone like me, and that is not a problem at all as I see it. This just goes to show I obviously am not the one for you, you are not the one for me, and we can spare ourselves the pain and saves us from wasting one another’s time. Because the truth is I'm not 'acting' crazy...


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