When to stop re-occurring patterns in one’s life.
I noticed just recently that I have one particular patterned that I am unable to control in a relationship of having a boyfriend or finding a boyfriend. Me I am too trusting, once we meet either online or in person I start talking about my past relationships and my ex-husband and other personal stuff just to make conversation and to feel safe.
I know we all have our problems in life and well what I tell my boyfriends about my problems I feel safe but they tolerate it a lot, then as time goes on I fall for them and at times I fall hard for them. Once I tell them my true feelings honest and open for I do not believe in hiding anything from my boyfriend for that is lying and I don’t lie anything they say they understand then boom all of sudden they tell me “Something came up.” With no word they just want to be friends. Friend’s? After I have given them my heart true blue and have told them very personal things thinking that they would stay close to me after them telling me they aren’t going anywhere. How much they understand how I feel and stuff?
Ok now I have to deal with a heart ache hearing my heart fall like little pieces of crystal glass and feeling the pieces break slowly to the ground, tears come to my eyes and then the anger builds inside of me. I feel like I have lost my best friend to death. For a while I am down crying and getting angry and I am wondering why, why is this happening to me, what did I do or say to chase them away. They just up and left without telling me the truth of what is going on.
So like many women thoughts go through my head questions go through my head, did he find someone else? Is he telling me the truth that he is working all of the time, tell me why, tell me something tell me the truth what is going on so that I understand more what I’ve done so that I can learn and correct the situation.
Then I sit and write to them in yahoo messenger, I mean at this time the anger has grown to furious, I write them nasty, nasty messages calling them every name in the book, telling them to go screw themselves for I am better than them. That I won’t let this get me down for long, which I don’t. Then I ask myself why men lie, lie to get in my pants? Lie to get what they want. I mean all this lead on I had gotten very high hopes that we would be together.
Then the men or my so called boyfriends stop writing to me in yahoo, they stop calling they stop all communication between us, in the meantime my heart is feeling as if it’s being crushed. Why the lies of coming to see me, why the lies of he cares for me deeply, why the pet names and the fantasies that were told in yahoo chat, why give me your phone number, why, what do you think you’re going to gain by lying to me? A friend? I think not for I do not give people second chances in life at all.
That he needs to go find himself. Yeah right maybe go find himself with a magnifying glass to find it so he can go after another woman closer by his house maybe. Well I am glad I don’t give my body to anyone nor do I date much.
After this last heart break I’ve now sworn off men, I refuse to chat with them online in pm chat, I refuse to even acknowledge them in a chat room, I even refuse to talk to men in person any more for I don’t trust men any longer.
I always believed that online romances never work and now I made my point to myself. No more men in my life I am tired of the entire BS, the problems and the heartaches that I have been through. I am done, but it’s not my loss it’s theirs for I am a very loving, compassionate person. I do not nor have ever I cheated on a man I was seeing or married to. I treat the men in my life like a king with a few expectations.
So in reality of it all their loss for I am a nice looking lady, I give 120 percent in all relationships and I am most of all faithful and not a floosy in life, I live by my morals, standards, pride, values and rules in my life. Rules I am now going to strictly enforce to the max if I ever do meet Mr. Right. Is there such a thing as a Mr. Right? I never will find out for I am getting to old to be courting/dating any man now.