- Gender and Relationships»
Is Your Man Mr RIGHT or Mr WRONG ?
When I wrote the Hub "My boyfriend became a woman", our dear colleague Misha mentioned significant differences between male and female biology and abilities.
He is right: there are many differences between opposite genders due to the "different wired brains" and different hormonal levels of actually same hormones: estrogens, testosteron, progesteron, oxytocine, serotonine.
Although we are strongly attached to each other, the cold war between opposite genders is everywhere around, because lack of knowledge about each other.
There is huge difference between men and women:
if we analyse differences in body chemistry between men and women, we will find that women produce much more joyful and bonding hormones: serotonin and oxytocine then men. That is the reason while men seems to be more distant and less involved in the relationship. They are really less romantic.
Oxytocine is hormone which bonds people together: It is scientific fact that women produce it much more then men, because this hormone is in female body also involved with pregnancy and labour. Oxytocine is secreted by our pituitary gland. When people are compassionate, when they care about somebody else, when they hug, touch or express any act of tenderness, oxytocine is also involved.
Especially high amount of this hormone, people produce when they are sexually aroused and during sexual intercourse. After sex, it is happening something very interesting:
- level of oxytocine stays very high in women`s body for very long time (for hours, days, sometimes even for weeks or months), and we need tenderness, communication and further proofs of love.
- to the men happens something completely differently: oxytocine level drops down after sex suddenly. Puuuf...and romance is gone. Instead of tenderness and romance, watching football game (and naked men´s legs of players), or falling asleep becomes more interesting. Women translate this behaviour as lack of love and interest.
Oxytocine is hormone because of which we fall in love and because of which woman becomes so strongly bonded with man after sexual intercourse. For us is not wise and is almost not possible to have only sexual relationships without love and bonding.
Female sexual organs are very sensitive, deeply connected with emotions, love, acceptance...because of role of maternity. For carrying somebody else, inside you for 9 months as women carry the babies, your body needs to be full of love, that is the reason we produce so many oxytocine. The same is with sex...we need big amount of loving abilities (oxytocine) to accept somebody else inside our bodies, and high level of trust for doing that... Our sexual organs and pituitarity gland (oxytocine) produce the same energy of deep unconditional love, attachment and tolerance for our sexual partners and babies.
For our gender, sex is not the game, in 95% of case. Women do fall deeply in love do to the sexual intercourse, especially if there is good compatibility and a lot of passion involved. Unfortunately for us, these are our basic instincts, it is not easy to full the nature.
Difference between female "X" and male "Y" 46. chromosome is huge!
There are few facts about men`s behaviour towards women every normal female should know.
When driven by testosterone and adrenalin, men like hunting and competition- they use to hunt while we were living in caves and tribes, nowadays their hunting´s needs are concentrated on hunting the women only (plus the wars).
Hunting means - sex only. Sexual urge of men - is different and very often is not connected with emotions. Girls & women very often misunderstand men`s interest and think guy is in the process of falling in love -while he is just having sexual foreplay.
There are three basic types of hunters,
First type (single/married/ in relationship):
- VERY ACTIVE HUNTER: he is interested in changing his targets all the time. He always needs new "hole", because he immediately looses interest when his sexual performance is over. Hormonal picture: A lot of adrenalin and testosterone hormones (sex, sex, sex and new challenges), not enough estrogen and progesterone hormones, not enough oxytocin and serotonin for sure (no bonding, no love, no ability to keep the focus, scared from relationship). Even his sexual performance is not as good as he thinks.
Second type (single/married/in relationship (s))
- LAZY HUNTER: his ego is very satisfied when he cultivates casual and continuing "no-strings attached" sexual relationship with woman. No strings means without responsibilities. Without responsibilities means that despite the fact your relationship can be long-term, he does not perceive you as human being at all - you are just sexual target, not more, not less. Hormonal picture almost same as above, but this type has less adrenal hormones, because is able to stay in continuing sexual relationship. No future with this guy.
Third type (very often single/few relationships at the same time)
- PARASITE HUNTER - this guy is most confusing. His interest is not sexual only. You will recognize this type as "guy who is always in some kind of trouble and needs some woman to help him out". He will always ask you for something, and never help you with anything, because he is the one with major problems, not you. Such type of man is parasite and takes all possible help from woman: compassion, unconditional love, sex, money, shelter, food, clothes...while knowing that women are compassionate beings and when in love, they have big hearts and will give everything to help. Well, to such type of man, you can give all stars of this universe, you can cook the best meals for him, you can give him all your free time, you can sacrifice all your friends, you can give him all money and possessions you have, you can give him the best sex possible - but he will never be content. He perceives all women in his life as providers for his primary material needs. As long as there is any woman who will fulfill his demands, he will never grow up. Advice: run away from such type of guy as soon as you can.
Frog will never become prince after you kiss him. Frog will just stay - a frog.
The Truth is:
If man is in his "hunting phase", no way that he will establish normal long-term relationship with the woman. When did you see any hunter to be deeply emotionally connected with killed animal? When did you hear of any hunter that he killed ONLY ONE ANIMAL? I think you see the point. If your beloved one is in that phase of life, or such type of man...do not hope that he will change JUST BECAUSE HE MET YOU.
2. MAN WHO IS NOT-COMPLETELY-READY FOR SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP
There are many tactics some women use to catch their loved ones - or to convince them that they are ready for commitment, while they are still "half ready" .. Usually this cannot work well on long-term basis - average man needs much more time to become emotionally mature then average woman, so if you start to live with or marry somebody who is just half-ready or not ready, he will do his best to run away from you and and from this prison:
- he will escape into the world of adultery, or
- will spice up his (and your) life with overtaking alcohol or drugs,
- you might find him visiting Casino too often,
- he might be sitting all day long in the front of TV watching football games or in the front of PC watching hot sexy chicks,
- some of man will do anything to provoke you to live him,
- some of them will just leave you even if you have children,
- some of them will spend all their time and energy at work or with their friends ...
.... any of "alternative realities" will be suitable for the man who deeply down knows that he is not fully ready for commitment and all duties which this commitment brings. Such signs you need to read as - "Sorry, but I do not want to grow up yet - I just want to play with life and be free". The best position you can win in that stage is - to forget the dreams about romance, and become his true friend, and/or perfected replacement for his mother. If he is not happy with this compromise, or if there is too much animosity between two of you, he will leave you or provoke you with his irresponsible behaviour to leave him.
Why men enter into marriage if not want to become ready?
- Not-completely-ready man is very often driven to the marriage by his genetic urge to have children. "To have children" not necessary means "to be fully responsible father", it more means to find appropriate women who will have to take full care about his offspring. Even if he loves his children, he might leave you as soon as children grow up, if not before, because "his duty is finally over".
- Not-completely-ready man who does not want children, is very possible with you just because he cannot be self-sufficient while single, so needs the woman to take care about him. (f.E.time came to leave his parents)
3. MAN WHO IS READY FOR COMMITMENT
When man is really ready to settle down - he will announce that fact very obviously. Usually, average man at first starts to feel ready for long-term relationship and/or marriage, and AFTER THAT he will start to search for female partner. On the contrary, when girl or woman seriously falls in love - she will almost automatically be ready for long-term relationship and for commitment. Man do not react on that way. They can be in love - but not ready for commitment for next 10 or 20 years, if ever. If you want full commitment and be sure in your man, choose one who is really ready and emotionally mature, and who will have some serious plans for future.
Even when they seriously want commitment, many guys just DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH WOMEN, except flirting and sexual performance. In many cultures there is tradition that men with men bond together and women with women, creating friendships, and the relationship between opposite genders stays more or less on sexual basis even in the marriages. This separation cannot help to anybody: we cannot understand the others if we do not know them, if we do not share experiences, if we do not connect more deeply...like human beings.
While being in female body, I can easily understand every woman: to understand the men, I needed much more effort, I needed to ask more questions, I needed to spend more time with them, listen their stories, love them, communicate with them, observe them, read many books about them...
The same is with men: if they want to understand "us", they need to establish much deeper connections with us: it takes s lot of effort.
When we discuss about relationships, women ALWAYS want romance to be involved, men most often want that their life stays more or less the same as when they lived with parents or while being single.
Men also usually want unconditional love from the women, to accept them as they are. No changes. Only woman must change and sacrifice. This cannot work - the both sides need to get fully involved into building the relationship, or marriage with or without children. Relationship is dynamic organism and the both partners need to develop and transform into the better and more evolved human beings. That is main reason two people met: to learn from each other, not to stay the same as they were.
If there is no mutual change - relationship is just an illusion, somebody will break it up sooner or later. Energy which does not move, will become inert and destructive. The same is with people and their relationships, without any exception.
HOW TO FIND THE SERIOUS AND NORMAL GUY - Soulmate
The worst thing which can happen to any woman is to desperately fall in love with the guy, who does not want anything serious. Even when is that obvious, oxytocin hormone prevents us to realize that. It creates love-fog in our heads, and we cannot see the facts we are wasting our time and energy with somebody who is not worth that. We know we deserve better, but somehow we hope that situation will change....
HOW TO PREVENT IT
There are so many great guys who are able and wanting to share their best with us. We need to change our approach and learn again - HOW TO HUNT.
- When you feel ready for permanent love & commitment, START TO DATE MORE GUYS THEN ONE AT THE SAME TIME. When I was searching for partner, I dated 5 of them at the same time. But do not have sex with any of them till the moment you are really sure that you have found the right one and wait at least to the moment that you are sure that he is really very much in love with you. Take your time. Do not date the same one every day, you need the clear head and a lot of analysing. Test each of them on many ways. Never rush. Serious guys always show that they are really interested into something serious and never insist on sex only.
Men are men, so you need to be very careful, because when is possibility of sex involved - they adore lying. This is part of their play - they are afraid that if they tell the truth, they will never get what they want, so lies are common thing.
Use your brain, intuition and not only your heart. And enjoy hunting game.
I have learned hunting from men, although it is in female blood as well: and believe me - is such a fun, especially if you are able to keep clear focus on your goal. And goal is worth of that game - serious guy who wants normal, loving and permanent relationship.
Hot to tell that somebody is lying
Some time ago I decided that I should stop to learn about love and relationships from women: average woman is usually not too content with her love-life, her life is full of various duties, she is tired, complaining about lack of understanding from her partner and under a lot of stress. On the contrary, I realized average man is much wiser and he is not rushing into responsibilities till the moment he feels 200% sure that he is ready for them - this makes many sense to me now.
Men usually do not do anything by themselves if they are not completely convinced that this is right thing and right moment for them to do.
Women usually accept more duties then they can perform, this behavioral pattern makes us bitter and tired afterwards.
So, the lesson I learned from men is:
DO NOT SACRIFICE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- Healthy relationship does not require sacrifice, just willing transformation of the both partners and balance between giving and receiving. If woman sacrifices, she will sooner or later start to treat herself as a victim of her relationship and she will feel that way. Being victim is destructive. Do not blame your partner - YOU NEED TO CHANGE!
- Never give too much, especially do not give more then you can- give exactly the quantity which you receive from your partner. He is not helpless. Balance between giving and receiving is necessary.
- If woman establish this much needed balance, she will be able to perceive her life and her relationship on positive way, which will give many fruits on long-term basis to the both partners. When woman is happy, relationship is blossoming.
- The truth is that WOMEN need to learn how to make THEMSELVES content and how to enjoy life much more and how to gain all self-respect and respect they deserve. Nobody cannot give more to the others then to oneself - and stay happy, healthy and balanced.
Female gender has the ability to give birth to the children, so every woman has tremendous power of love and creation inside her mind, body, emotions, and natural wisdom if she is balanced. Mother Nature gave to the women much more then we are aware of, more then is given to the men. Love is basic creative force of this universe - use that amazing force of love to create happiness at first for yourself, then inspire your dearest ones and whole your life will gradually become a miracle! You can do it - you deserve it!
Homeopath, Reiki Teacher & Counsellor
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