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The One: Separating Myth from Reality

Updated on February 11, 2013

Seek and yea shall find...

Many of us believe there is only “one” special person out there that will “get us”.

We’ll share the same sense of humor, enjoy doing the same things, have the same goals, and be sexually compatible. In fact many of us believe this person will “instinctively” know what it is we want or need without us having to “ask” or “communicate” our thoughts. We’ll never have major disagreements and we’ll live happily ever after.

For many of us our biggest fear is living a lifetime without ever finding our “one”.

Numbers - 1 in 7 Billion

According to world population statistics we are approaching 7 Billion people inhabiting this planet. The sheer magnitude of this number would indicate there is at least one soul-mate for everyone! So why is it so difficult to find “the one”?

Exclude Vs Include

The concept of "the one" is based upon our natural tendency to (exclude) rather than (include) when it comes to finding love.

For example if a person states "the one" has to be a member of their own race that automatically eliminates Billions of people right there! If you went on to say he/she must have the same religious belief that will cut down your options by several billions more.

We narrow things further by stating "the one" must reside in our own country, state or town. All of this is before we get to height, weight, age, occupation, education, hobbies/interest, and goals....etc Last but not least our family and friends MUST also like him/her and vice versa!

It’s no wonder that by the time we get done EXCLUDING people there is ONLY one "right one" left!

Traits and Characteristics

I believe once we decide what’s "really important" with regard to traits in a person we'd want to spend our lives with we are likely to find "the one" sooner rather than later.

Each of us is looking for specific traits in another person. In addition to us believing they are “the one” it is necessary for them to believe we are “the one”. Having mutual feelings is the challenge. Chemistry is also a requirement.

Lets assume you are looking for someone who has the following traits.

Attractive, Positive, Affectionate, Considerate, Loving, Healthy, Romantic, Passionate, Great Sense of Humor, Intelligent, enjoys traveling to exotic destinations, Honest, Trustworthy, Loyal, Dependable, Financially secure/responsible…etc

Surly out of 7 Billion people there must be “one” person who fits this profile!

The truth is there are thousands if not millions, or possibly billions of people who’d describe themselves as having all of these traits!

Once again we ask, “Why is it so difficult to find “the one”?

Requirements Change Overtime

One of the reasons it’s a challenge to find “the one” is because we look for different traits in a mate over the course of our lifetime. That perfect guy or girl at ages 16, 18, 21, or 30 may not seem so ideal to us at age 35 or 40.

In fact every new person we enter into a "serious relationship" with looks like “the one” until we realize they are not. The truth is there are lots of "the ones" who have all of the traits you could want at any given time.

As we mature we become more realistic and practical. You come to realize there is no such thing as a “perfect person” for you. A 300 lb woman or man is not likely to attract a Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie type. “Don’t expect to sit next to the moon unless you are a star!” Generally speaking water seeks it’s own level and like attracts like in the long run.

No one is going to be able to read your mind, complete your sentences, or fill your days with sunshine for eternity. You determine how large your pool of potential mates is going to be by your method of including or excluding. Naturally the fewer options you have the more difficult it becomes to find a "suitable mate". One must be willing to put themself in places and situations where they are likely to meet the type of person they want to attract

Right & Wrong

What may be “right” for you may be “wrong” for someone else. When it’s all said and done there really is no “right” or “wrong” in relationships. There is only “agree” and “disagree”.

Ultimately we are all looking for someone who naturally agrees with us on the major things in life!

“Love isn’t finding a perfect person. It’s seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen

Happy Hunting!


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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 8 months ago


      Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and post your comment. Based upon what you stated you might find my book to be a worthwhile read as well.

      Best wishes!

    • profile image

      LuluutiqueII 8 months ago

      Wow! I'm completely speechless. I was just about to give up on love, but now that I read your article... I'm having second thoughts now.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      peachpurple , Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and post your comment.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 3 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      seek and you shall find, I always believed in this phrase

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      spock28, I also wrote a hub about an example of couples growing apart.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      spock28, I agree it is very common for couples to "grow apart" or change.

      There is no amount of (work) or (communication) that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.

    • profile image

      Kris Koshner 4 years ago

      A very good analysis , but many times both partners change and grow with times not necessarily along with the each other , you can become incompatible with time relationship, need not be everlasting.

      Relationship should be enjoyed from moment to moment if it lasts the lifetime count it as your blessing, but never fill your life with hatred, negativity or acrimony about anything including relationships that has gone wrong, let go and grow with the experience if possible.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      debbiepinkston, Thanks for taking the time to read my hub and post your comment. You're offering your clients some sound advice! I talk about this a great deal in my book: My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) and in fact I included this article in the book. So much of helping others is about getting them to put things in the "proper perspective" and avoid using excuses or blaming outside forces.

      Each of us (chooses our own) friends, lovers, and spouse. If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead...whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a better "shopper"! We choose whom we are going to spend our time with. :-)

    • debbiepinkston profile image

      Debbie Pinkston 5 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Great insight and advice! I especially like the focus you put on identifying the qualities that we think are important. I recommend to my counseling clients (who aren't married) to make a list of 10 qualities that they consider important, in order of priority. When they have the opportunity to have a relationship with someone, they are wise to get to know this person well and compare them to their list of qualities. Under 5...not a good idea. If the person has 6 or above of the qualities, it's worth investing in the relationship.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      VeronicaInspires, It's nice to see we can agree on something! lol! Actually I believe very few people place their mates (higher) than god. I suspect there are many people that expect god to "give" them a mate gift wrapped at their door. Having faith does not mean one does not take action. It's the belief the action they take will ultimately result in the outcome they want. We have to use the gifts that god gives us to obtain the things we want out of life. One man's opinion! :-)

    • profile image

      VeronicaInspires 5 years ago

      I agree! *Do you hear me saying this!?*

      You said: "One of the reasons it’s a challenge to find 'the one' is because we look for different traits in a mate over the course of our lifetime. That perfect guy or girl at ages 16, 18, 21, or 30 may not seem so ideal to us at age 35 or 40."

      God will give you A - not THE - person you want and need at the time that you need 'em!

      From a biblical standpoint, I think the confusion may lie (I'm speaking for myself) in the notion of "leaving and cleaving," God pulling Eve from Adam's rib, "help mate/help meet," joining into a spiritual covenant with that person and the solidity, closeness and ONENESS those concepts convey...

      I don't know... definitely something I'm going to look into further...

      And truly, there's only one ONE... God! We shouldn't put anything or anyone higher than He... and that includes our partner/spouse!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      flashmakeit, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. I guess the main point I want to drive home is there are millions of people with the truly (important qualities) each of us desires. I sometimes imagine god scratching his head when he hears people saying they can't find anyone. He probably says, "I've made more than 7 billion people in all shapes, sizes, and colors and you're telling there is not one you could be happy with?!" LOL!

    • flashmakeit profile image

      flashmakeit 5 years ago from usa

      Thank you for pointing me to this article. Now I realize that dream lover is a perfect person only in your imagination. Instead of chasing a dream find someone real to love.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      gmaoli, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. I too was guilty of the same thing. I suppose it's human nature to exclude people right off the bat. I included this hub in my book: "My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). I suspect once we make more of an effort to (include) we really do increase our options!

    • gmaoli profile image

      Gianandrea Maoli 6 years ago from South Carolina

      I think this is probably one of the most practical bits of advice I've heard in a long time. In fact, the "Exclude vs Include" part really stuck out for me. When I was more active with dating, I always went out with the women that I thought fit within my desired parameters, such as being into the outdoors or church going. All it really did was spark a decent casual conversation for maybe an hour or so, but after going through all...what's left? So truth be known, I can't say I know what I'm looking for anymore...I can only say the one I want to be with will make me happy no matter what we do and hopefully I'll do the same for her. Thank you for explaining this in common sense turns.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      carolinemd21, Thanks for taking the time to post your comment. Being human means we're always evolving.

      I had a chance to take a look at your profile. It appears we are both Examiners for the Chicago area. LOL. I am a Chicago Dating Examiner under my given name.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Scorpio thanx for showing me this hub. Very interesting and useful. My interests in men are totally different now then when I was 20. And the people that I am attracting are different. It's true that as we change so do the people we attract.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 6 years ago from Southern California

      Well, you have a point there. I met a guy with an identical personality type as mine (ENFJ). I thought if ever there was a "soul mate"-- he was it. But he made choices based out of fear rather than self love. I suppose I would have done the same, but I didn't get to make the decision. Oh, life is complicated more than it should be some times..... Thanks for the response!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      wonderul1, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment! Our philosophies are slightly different. I subscribe to the "Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart!" way of thinking.

      Too many times I let (chemistry/feelings)alone take me down the wrong path. (Each of us must find what works best for us.) After all "Life is a personal journey". Thanks again for your thoughtful comment!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 6 years ago from Southern California

      Wow, awesome assessment. No, there are no perfect people (ourselves included). A tip: don't fall for the "unavailable types." The rest: judge more with your heart than with your head. How does someone make you FEEL? That's all that should matter. Thanks for this hub.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Barbsbitsnpieces, Thanks for reading my hub and taking the time to post a comment. Since we are in charge of selecting our own mates we determine just how many options we will have with our "match-making habits" :-)

    • Barbsbitsnpieces profile image

      Barbara Anne Helberg 6 years ago from Napoleon, Henry County, Ohio, USA

      @dashingscorpio...You've shared some important things about our match-making habits. Thanks for sharing this Hub!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Rosie2010, Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and posting your wonderful comment. It's ashame we don't learn these lessons of love and life without heartache. Thanks again for your comment.

    • Rosie2010 profile image

      Rosie Rose 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hiya Dashing, wonderful hub! I enjoyed reading it from beginning to end. You are so right that we tend to exclude rather than include. You are also right that our expectations change as we grow older. As we grow older, we become more accepting of the fact that there is no such a thing as a perfect person. Good job!

      Have a nice day,


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Cloverleaf, Congratulations on finding your soul mate! You're right, it isn't necessary for one to be "looking" for love. They just have to be "open" to accepting it when the opportunity presents itself!:-)

      Thanks for your comment and the vote up!

    • Cloverleaf profile image

      Cloverleaf 6 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

      Hi dashingscorpio,

      Sometimes we just find "the one" when we least expect it, just like when I met my husband. I wasn't looking for a relationship but it just sort of "happened" and he is my soul mate! I so enjoyed reading your hub and you are absolutely right that there is no one perfect person. But when we do find love, if we want to make it work, we compromise and find our common goals and dreams together.

      Voted up!


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Terri, Thanks for taking the time to read my hub and leaving such a wonderful comment! Appreciate the vote up too! Life does go smoother when both people are in agreement!

    • Terishere profile image

      Terishere 6 years ago

      This is a very well-written hub! I like this: "Ultimately we are all looking for someone who naturally agrees with us on the major things in life!"

      Very true! If you can't "naturally" agree with someone on the major things in life, you're going to have many arguments.

      Voted up and useful!



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