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What If He's Cheating?

Updated on September 29, 2010

First you cry...

The Choice is Yours....

I see so many articles geared towards women concerning signs that indicate whether or not their man may be cheating.

They tell you to look for changes in his behavior, his spending more time away from you, starting fights over the smallest of issues, not being where he says he is going to be or with whom he says he is going to be with or he is becoming more secretive and emotionally distant....etc

The truth is if you have spent a good amount of time with someone you pretty much know their quirks.

In your heart of hearts you will KNOW instinctively that something has changed.

Do you go on a witch hunt looking for clues analyzing his every word, deed, or article of clothing?

Do you hire a private detective? Install spyware on your computer? Show up at places where he is suppose to be? Look through his cell phone for text messages? install hidden cameras in the house for when you are going to be away? Call the television show "Cheaters"?

Do you pester him or hound him until he confesses?

The answer to all of these questions is (NO!)

You cannot control another person.

He is going to do whatever he wants to do.

The only person responsible for your happiness is you!

You decide if what you have is what you want, if the people in your life are the type of people you want or need in your life.

It does not matter if your man is cheating!

When I say it doesn’t matter if he is cheating it’s not to say that having someone cheat on you isn’t painful. It hurts like hell especially if you are in love.

What I’m saying to you is if he is not with you for whatever reason whether he’d rather spend his time alone watching sports, going out drinking with his buddies (not just occasionally but on a regular basis) , or even if he is possibly cheating on you….(Being alone is being alone).

A man that does not want to spend time with you is not YOUR man.

The very fact that you suspect he may be cheating whether it’s true or not is an indication that something is missing for you in this relationship.

It’s not as though by learning he’s not cheating you'd suddenly become ” happy” or fulfilled in your relationship.

The bottom line is when someone loves you they are considerate about your feelings.

They want to spend time with you.

They listen to you. (Seek to reassure you, care about you)

They not only tell you they love you but they show you in big and small ways.

If you are not feeling loved, valued, or appreciated in your relationship and you have expressed this to your man without seeing any changes in his behavior it’s very possible you are with the wrong man.

When you’re with the wrong man it doesn’t matter whether he’s cheating or not.

You will never be happy.

Are you happy?

That is the real question!

If you are unhappy then it's up to you to make some changes.

Imagine your employer is unhappy with your work, odds are they would put you on a performance plan or fire you out right.

When you're in a relationship you have the right to ask for what you need.

If the person you are with does not give you what you ask for there are only two reasons.

1. He does not have it to give.

2. He does not feel you are worth the effort to give it to.

This does not mean there is something wrong with you or even that there is something wrong with him. It just means HE is not the RIGHT man for you!

The ball is in your court.

YOU chose him for your lover, your mate, or your spouse.

If you have made a mistake then learn from it and forgive yourself.

You could spend your precious time trying to change apples into bananas, teaching cats how to bark, liars to tell the truth, or thieves to be trustworthy, all the while becoming more resentful and frustrated with each disappointment.... or you can simply go out and find a man who is already doing everything you want.

With over 6 Billion people on the planet and half of them being men I have to like your odds!

If you want a man that opens doors for a woman you could nag the man you have to do so, or find a man that already does it!

If you are (truly unhappy) with something your man is doing or not doing then it's time to "take it to the door"! The door knows all!

The door lets those in that want in, and those out that want out.In other words you have to ask yourself,

"Is this a deal breaker?"

1. If it is, Get the hell out! (Life is short)

2. It it's not, then learn to do without.

(Avoid the frustration and resentment which comes with nagging)

If you are not going to leave you may as well adjust your expectations and accept him for who he is. You don't raise adults! A mother-child relationship with a man is never a good thing.

Monogamy is a life style choice which requires maturity and self-discipline along with a moral code that places HONESTY above all other traits in relationships.

You can't demand or negotiate love and affection. (They are given freely.)

You don't manufacture chemistry. (It's either there or it's not).

Bottom line: If your man is not the kind of man you want, it does not matter if he is cheating.

"The world may not owe you anything but YOU owe yourself the world"

Choose your thoughts, Choose your life.

Let go of situations and people that bring negativity into your life or make you unhappy.




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    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Thanks dashingscorpio, you're a star!

    • dashingscorpio profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago

      emerald2000, You are going to be fine. You just need to take some time out for yourself and make (you) your #1 priority. When we love ourselves we tend not to let people disrespect us!

      As one popular song once said, "The Greatest Love Of All is Learning to Love Yourself!" Best of luck!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Dashingscorpio, Thank you very much for your comment and article it helps a lot. I caould not find the comment button to reply..

      It is so very true. I don't really know what to say at the moment as I am so confused and do not wish to sound too negative. I find it very hard at the moment. You are right though. It is comforting to know there are people who recognise that self esteem and happiness are essential.

    • lovinlife247 profile image


      9 years ago

      You are so right. You have so much wisdon and insight into people. I decided years ago that I'm not going to follow my husband, check his cell phone, emails or any of those things to see if he is cheating on me. Eventhough he had cheated on me before and was into pornography.

      If he's cheating, whatever is done in darkeness will be brought to the light, and whatever is hidden will be revealed.

      For the past two years, I felt as though I did not like my husband. We no longer spent time together. We only had sex once every other week. I always wanted it at least two times to three times a week. When I would approach him for sex, he would reject me, so I got tired of being rejected and stopped approaching him for sex. He was mean and yelling at the kids, and when he would call me from work - out of duty, he would not even talk to me. As a matter of fact, if I stopped talking, there was dead silence on the phone.

      I tried to spend time with him, but all he wanted to do was be on the computer, and isolate himself from me and the kids. He blamed me for everything that went wrong. Even if he misplaced something like his family photo album, he would blame me.

      I was so unhappy and deppressed. I felt so alone, and had nothing positive to say about him. And surely could not admire him.

      The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I reached out to him to give him a hug, he pulled away and yelled - now what do you want! I had to choke back the tears it hurt so bad. At that point, I checked out of the marriage emotionally, and started doing things on my own for me.

      Three weeks later I came home to find him on a secret cell phone that I did not even know about. He said he has been meaning to talk to me (after he's caught of course). I asked him if there was someone else. At first he said yes, then he said no.

      It did not matter to me, because I stated to him that I have been unhappy in the marriage for quite some time, and that I hope he and his girlfriend were happy together, because I have been utterly misreable. And if your expecting any tears from me, I have no more to give. I stated to him that I want a divorce.

      Turns out that my husband had been having sex with a few different women and was flirting with several more. It was enough to make my head spin.

      After me kicking him out the house, he wanted me back. I made one last ditch effort to make it work, but the wounds are far too deep, and he really does not want to change. Besides, he really doesn't want me. He just wants the idea of me and wants what's comfortable for him.

      He made his choice when he decided to heap irreparable harm upon the inner most core of my being. He made a conscious choice to hurt me.

      You see, he had an affair twelve years prior and it took me seven long painful years of getting over it. Seven years because he would continue to sneak and look at porn, which did nothing for my self esteem.

      We tried counseling and books, but my husband needs his ego stroked way too much for me. That's why he has to have several women stroking it because one is not enough. He is very insecure, has low self esteem, and always has to be "Captain Save a Whoe".

      He likes women who are needy so he can feel like a super hero and rescue the damsel in distress. These women are alcoholics, single, childless, forty + years old and never been married, and have a world of problems for him to solve. I'm sorry, but if that's what it takes to make you feel good about yourself, then I'm not the woman for you. I'm just not that needy.

      I finally stopped banging my head up against the wall trying to figure out where did I go wrong. What did I do to deserve this type of behavior.

      I'll be the first to admit that I'm an imperfect person in an imperfect world, and have made mistakes - not on purpose. But I have tried everything in my power to please my husband. From making sure I admired him for the little and big things he did, to making sure I took care of myself, cleaning the house, and being careful how I said things to him. Even encouraged and supported him in his attempts to advance his career, and efforts to start a hobby.

      It did not seem to matter. I could have walked on water. My husband was going to cheat on me no matter what I did, because that's just who he is. A person who lacks integrity, character, and moral fiber.

      We can always find someone else to blame for our actions/poor decisions in life. But it's time we looked in the mirror at self, and make healing choices not destructive choices.

      For every action we take in life (with the exception of breathing) there is a thought that must go into that action followed by a choice. And our choices have consequences - be they good or bad.

      You could choose to cross the street safely at the crosswalk looking both ways before you cross and live, or you could just jet out in the street from anywhere without looking and get hit by a car. But whatever you decide, you have to think about it, then choose, and accept the consequence. The decision is yours - own it and take responsibility for it.

      You're so right. Life is too short. This was a deal breaker for me, so I opted out of the relationship, and am on the road to healing and happiness finally.

    • christalluna1124 profile image


      9 years ago from Dallas Texas

      Great hub,

      I got tired of waiting up calling hospitals and jails and friends when he would stay out two or three days at a time turning off his phone. The battery went dead he said, I was just to drunk to drive home. The lies are the worst part.. they were so transparent.

      Warmest Regards,


    • lindagoffigan profile image


      10 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Good hub except for the part where it seems ok for the man to cheat in the relationship as long as you can bear and grin it. Great advice except about the cheating part where it seemed alright because you can not change people places or things. Well taken and received but I do think that a cheating relationship should be ended because as you say if you are playing detective, then he is not the man for you.

    • dMarieFree profile image


      10 years ago

      Ok Dashingscorpio, you hit the nail on the head especially with your statement about learning from your mistake and forgiving yourself. Too many people are walking around blaming themselves for failed relationships and they should be looking for the blessing from that failed relationship. This was a very good hub and you gave great insight.


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