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A Penitent's Unrequited Love In Dreams

Updated on July 25, 2015
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That I am now in deep sleep, yet awake in vivid dream, and find myself on a line with other souls must be my own illusion, or perhaps a mockery of my soul. And I do tremble, not knowing what strange thing is happening to me. We are all trembling. The unidentified Saint purveying our countenances is now in conversation with a man in front of me about his tee-shirt, but the sound and condensation of my breath prevents me from hearing clearly all he is saying. None speak between themselves on the line, so I appeal to you in earnest.

Can you hear me in the firmament below? I hope so. Please hear me. I beg you that if you do hear me that you listen carefully in absolute stillness and silence. Who else can I call upon now, here, in this but eternal moment?

I can feel the man’s anguish as though I heard it, but in truth the only thing I can hear is the Saint’s command that he “Hold it in your hands!” Now I see the man take off his shirt and I wonder on this. I too am wearing a white tee-shit (of all things!) and my legs are gone, covered in white cloth that is blurred beneath my waist. That I have reduced myself to this childhood conception of the hereafter is surely not something I entertained a thought of in my barely conscious adult life; yet, in the scheme of thoughts regarding my imperfection, my strife, my pride, perhaps I ought hurry and accept in this moment His perfecting me, before I arrive before Him at that point in time, if it is in fact that he found me lacking at all, which is likely from the apparent length of the line.

The absurdity of it all! Please accept my astoundment in all its humility. No, it is not oxymoronic. Don’t be stupid! Can I now say “God help us all”? or can I pray “God help me”? Do you see my quandary? Have compassion please, for once. After all, I am here, am I not? Do you think me spiritually unprepared, or bereft? Are spiritual connections relevant any longer once amidst the energy that is affected? Shall I will to stop thinking, or can He hear me all at once and everyone else besides? I need the answer to this question before I go before Him. This is all I know at this moment. Pray for me, you beneath me, pray for me.

I loved you once, but, remember, it was you who left me, seeing I found a New Love! I know you loved me too, even though you were so brutal towards me always, since birth until now; but here the ache in my heart is gone, filled with glory and love simultaneously in one full wave, distinguishable in words and yet not, at once and then the same. Can you feel it too when you feel me? Glorious, is it not? No wonder you are jealous, prior to your arrival and even now in your full departure, even though I know you’re always watching in envy.

Shhhhhh. The Saint is now making his way up the line towards me, although still far enough away; and I think I recognize him but not quite one hundred percent sure. Clarity of physical attributes is not entirely relevant here. At this moment, I ought to steal myself away to the man ahead holding his shirt. I need to ask him why he was commanded to hold his shirt, and why his countenance was honed in on, but I am trembling and do not want to bring attention to myself, lest the Saint hone in on me too.

How fearful is the countenance of that man, and, as you can well imagine, mine as well. [Be quiet my mind. Be still.]You also be still and I beg you, at once, to reveal me to myself as I was when you knew me, in your own opinion, to give me a “heads up.” But do not speak it. Let me know only through your cruel teasing, though loving effervescence, not whispers or noise of any kind. For what person can possibly let themselves be devoured by their own darkness through your conveyances that convict and lead only to that long hallway of nothingness that only you know so well? I could not bear it and I would burst now to be convinced of my loathsomeness and reduce this glory to nothing but salt.

I, for one, have afforded myself some luxury of seeking that truth of both good and evil. Was I not human? That I failed in all endeavor at truly knowing both makes me no less or greater than you, so please do not think yourself so grand! Please keep yourself shut up and do not esteem yourself so highly in the wretched hubris you cling to in regard to me.

I am now sailing to the man, legless as I am. I do not see where the Saint has gone. I am fairly certain I am beyond his view, unless I am deceived by my lost sight of him. Cautiously I sail. Their faces vie me as I pass, because I am skirting around and within them to avoid notice from His righteous.

[I have now reached the man. Can you hear me?] “Sir: Why did the Saint ask you to remove your shirt”?

[He is looking at me. His face is like that of death], “To save me from perdition.”

[Did you hear what he said? He said ‘perdition.’]

“What sin have you committed that warrants perdition”?

“Oh. It’s written on my tee-shit”?

“How’s that”?

“My tee-shirt, what it says.”

“What does it say”?

He is holding it up to me now. “It says ‘Shit Happens’.”

Please wake me from this absurdity of mind. If ever I am to know what He above needs of me to be, it is you below that have taught me and will teach me still. I am not ready, don’t you know? Is this your way of humor? How much more will you try me in the vanity of all things that only leads to despair? Wake me! You, whom I hate now but loved once and who even God will not do without, do you hear me?! Hit me more with your spears and arrows and cast me in the hell of your existence if you must – but first, please wake me. Chastise me yet again to know the fullness of my repentance so I am found worthy of my New Love, He in me and me in Him. Oh, my unrequited love below, wake me, please wake me.

© 2012 cynthtggt

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  • cynthtggt profile image
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    cynthtggt 2 years ago from New York, NY

    I know you are!

  • Perspycacious profile image

    Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

    I'm sharing a wide awake dream with you.

  • cynthtggt profile image
    Author

    cynthtggt 2 years ago from New York, NY

    Thank you Perspy. I will have to read that. And, yes, my seeking perfection - and love - in the dream is right on. Life has a spiritual purpose. To me, that is all there is. It is only the spiritual we can take with us.

  • Perspycacious profile image

    Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

    Sounds like my "Wake Me Oh I Pray" which in the end finds the dreamer's perfection in the wish that she states thus, "I would a sacred vessel be, your spirit to enfold, to quench their thirsts I find in me, your other children lost and cold."

  • cynthtggt profile image
    Author

    cynthtggt 5 years ago from New York, NY

    Ah, yes, those dreams.

  • Perspycacious profile image

    Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

    Here you are again. It's nice to share your dreams.

  • cynthtggt profile image
    Author

    cynthtggt 5 years ago from New York, NY

    right on Moonfroth, yes, it is about the unconscious. I got the idea for the piece from a New Yorker cartoon where a man is on line for the judgment and wearing a tee-shirt that says "Shit Happens." When St. Peter comes to him, he as him, "Can I go back and change my shirt"? Meaning, we may attribute things in life as "just happening" when in fact we know in our hearts we create some of our circumstances. I am speaking (not praying) to Satan below. Satan refines our character by turning stones to try us in life, and sometimes to expose who we are to others, but often what we are hiding in ourselves. At the end of the piece I know I am not seeing something in myself and I know I am dreaming unconscious contents of desire to continue to do evil (our natures), and in order to be more worthy of God's love, I pray to be refined further in God's grace through the blood of Jesus Christ, to fully repentant. Quite often, people who accept Christ as their Savior, willfully retain a self-will to do what they want, or a self-righteousness, rather than what God wants for them. In Revelations, God considers the self-righteous as “lukewarm” and its says he will “spew you out of my mouth.” Therefore, we are NEVER perfect, but the absurdity of the dream conveys my "not taking seriously" aspects of myself that I can change but not doing so. So you are totally correct. Repentance is not to be taken lightly, even though God gave us Christ for the forgiveness of our sins. Satan (whom I knew in life when I lived in sin) puts God's faithful through trials to refine us. I am so happy you understood this so well. As my friend, a Christian, was not clear on it.

  • cynthtggt profile image
    Author

    cynthtggt 5 years ago from New York, NY

    I wanted to say that when I said, "I'm glad you understood it," I meant because one I showed it to did not. I did not expect a comment at all. Thank you for your wonderful message to me.

  • moonfroth profile image

    Clark Cook 5 years ago from Rural BC (Canada) & N of Puerto Vallarta (Mexico)

    cYNTHIA - This is the most PERSONAL self-revelatory piece I have ever read on Hubpages. It takes a great deal of courage--and confidence--to put forward for others to read an experience this close to the bone. You are very emotionally honest and one hell of a writer ! Your prose flows like honey over glass.

    Regarding the dream-vision and the insoluble questions and demands posed by the figure in the dream, I have a few thoughts. First off, I think you know I'm not a Christian. In the labelling dept. I'm probably closer to being an Atheist than anything else; nonetheless, I have studied the Bible and the great Christian myths most of my adult life, and I think my ideas are worth considering.

    Second off--the man in your dreams is striving for, asking for rational explanations to questions that can only be APPROACHED (not "answered") through image and metaphor. When the disciples approach Christ with their questions (about everything!), how often does he give them a clear, rational answer? Almost never. A typical example--some worries about /clothing/ come up (how mundane can you get !) but rather than just DEAL with it, Jesus says, "And why have ye thoughts of raiment? Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow. They toil not, neither do they spin." (Matthew 6:28) Another example--the almost blatant sexual imagery in the great Vision of the heavenly cherub of St. Theresa. I could go on and on. The critical point in all of this is that if we are to truly know--in the fibre of our Being--any great truths, we need to come to tem ourselves, rather than have them "imposed" from wihout, and the means to that kind of in-depth knowledge lies in the multilayered possibilities of metaphor and image. If there is truth in what I just suggested, then it isn't much of a stretch to say that the evidence of dream, Christ's teaching, and heavenly visions is that revelation of truth will come through POETRY.

    So, in my fumbling way, what I'm getting at is that your dream probably has zip to do with a Man Trapped in ??????, and everything to do with something your inner self is trying to tell you about you and your faith. Possibly you are being invited to give yourself up to the image, without oo much concern for fact and reason. Does all my blather make any sense at all?

    Regardless, a beautifully written quite fascinating piece. Thank you.