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Bible Brutality: St. Raphael the Demon Killer

Updated on January 1, 2017

First Off, Some Backstory

Before we get into demon slaying, it is first important that we know the context of such a slaying. Context is quite important, lest we all go out to slay devils without knowing the why behind the act.

You're safe for now, guys.
You're safe for now, guys. | Source

In the Book of Tobit, the eponymous character is such a kind, gentle, and genteel man. One day he takes a nap, and a bird poops on his eyes, rendering him blind. Tobit fears he will have to live in poverty when he remembers some dude in Media owes him money. He sends his son, Tobias, to claim the money, and along the way, Tobias meets Archangel Raphael.

What's up?
What's up? | Source

Tobias does not know it is Raphael, as he is disguised as a human being, but Raphael ends up tagging along with him anyway. After a hilarious episode where a fish tries to eat Tobias' foot, Raphael orders him to keep its heart, liver, and gall bladder.

Eventually they arrive in Media, and Raphael tells Tobias to marry Sarah, Tobias' beautiful cousin. There's one problem, though. Sarah had been married 7 times, which should be a bit of a red flag, but she's got a good reason: the demon Asmodeus has been tormenting her and killed each of her husbands before they could consummate the marriage.

He probably hates love.
He probably hates love. | Source

Now It Is the Good Part

Tobias gets married to his cousin Sarah, and true enough, Mr. Asmodeus shows up. Raphael quickly tells Tobias to burn the heart and the liver that he acquired earlier. Tobias does so, and the fumes drive the demon away to Egypt. Raphael follows him there, and straight up strangles that fool. That's right. He strangled a demon like it was no one's business.

This guy doesn't even have a neck, which makes it even more impressive.
This guy doesn't even have a neck, which makes it even more impressive. | Source

He returns to Tobias, who presumably didn't know about the demon murder, and collects the money that Tobias set out to claim. They return to Tobit, where they use the gall bladder to cure their father's blindness. Raphael then reveals himself as an angel before flying away to heaven and bragging about strangling Asmodeus, because that is seriously cool.


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