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Weird Bible Quotes

Updated on August 23, 2012

Read some of the strangest passages in the Bible

The Bible is full of oddities. Some of the following Bible verses will make you chuckle; others will curl your hair. If you are a nonbeliever, I hope you get a kick out of reading this. If you are a believer, may it challenge or strengthen your faith.

My selection of verses is subjective and the subheads are irreverent. However, the passages themselves are straight out of the Good Book. I used the Revised English Bible. So check these verses against your favorite version of the Bible.

Feel free to recommend your favorite bizarre Bible verses or to cuss me out for being a heathen. Have a blessed day.

Picky, Picky, Picky

Genesis 2: 20

The man gave names to all the cattle, to the birds of the air and to every wild animal, but for the man himself, no suitable partner was found.

Only One God?

Genesis 6: 4

In those days as well as later when the sons of the gods had intercourse with the daughters of mortals and children were born to them, the Nephilim were on the earth; they were the heroes of old, people of renown.

Make Up Your Mind

Genesis 1: 31 / Genesis 6: 6-7 / Genesis 8: 21

And God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Evening came, and morning came, the sixth day.

He bitterly regretted that he had made mankind on earth. He said, "I'll wipe off the face of the earth this human race I have created - yes, man and beast, creeping things and birds, I regret that I ever made them."

When he smelled the soothing odor, he said, "Never again shall I put the earth under curse because of mankind, however evil their inclination may be, from their youth upward, nor shall I kill all living creatures as I have just done."

Abraham the Open Minded

Genesis 12: 18-19

Pharaoh summoned Abram. "Why have you treated me like this?" he said. "Why did you not tell me she was your wife? Why did you say she was your sister, so that I took her as a wife? Here she is. Take her and go."

And Don't Forget the Pigeon

Genesis 15: 9

The Lord answered, "Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove and a young pigeon."

Yes Mistress, Thank You Mistress

Geneses 16: 8-9

And he said "Hagar, Sarai's slave girl, where have you come from and where are you going?" She answered, "I'm running away from Sarai, my mistress." The angel of the Lord said to her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to ill treatment at her hands."

Take my Daughters, Please

Genesis 19: 8

"Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof."

Eh, She Deserved It

Genesis 19: 26

But Lot's wife looked back and she turned into a pillar of salt.

Once a Pimp, Always a Pimp

Genesis 20: 2-3

He said of Sarah that she was his sister, and King Abimelech of Gerar had her brought to him. But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night and said, "You shall die because of this woman you have taken. She is a married woman."

Are You Out of Your Freaking Mind?

Genesis 22: 2

God said, "Take your son, your one and only son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him as a sacrifice on one of the heights I will show you."

Like Father, Like Son

Genesis 26: 6-7

Isaac settled in Gerar, and when the men of the place asked questions about his wife, he told them she was his sister, for he was afraid they would murder him because of her; for she was very beautiful.

Quick Thinking Zippy

Exodus 4: 24-26

On the journey, while they were encamped for the night, the Lord met Moses and would have killed him. But Zipporah picked up a sharp flint, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' privates with it, saying, "You are my bridegroom." So the Lord let Moses alone. It was on that occasion she said, "Blood bridegroom by circumcision!"

Who Can't Do That?

Exodus 7: 10-11

When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them. Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent. At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.

Women's Rights 6,000 B.C.

Exodus 21: 7

When a man sells his daughter into slavery, she is not to go free as male slaves may.

Crime and Punishment

Exodus 21: 20-21

When a man strikes his slave or slave girl with a stick and the slave dies on the spot, he must be punished. But he is not to be punished if the slave survives for one day or two, because the slave is his property.

Salem Had it Right

Exodus 22: 18

You must not allow a witch to live.

God Drives a Hard Bargain

Exodus 22: 29

You must not hold back the first of your harvest, whether grain or wine. You must give me your first-born sons.

A Merciful God

Exodus 32: 27

He said to them, "The Lord God of Israel has said: Arm yourselves each of you with his sword. Go through the camp from gate to gate and back again. Each of you kill brother, friend, neighbor."

If Biblical Literalists Had Their Way

Leviticus 20: 13

If a man has intercourse with a man as with a woman both commit an abomination. They must be put to death. Their blood is on their own heads.

Before the Americans with Disabilities Act

Leviticus 21: 18-20

No man with a defect is to come, whether a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, or with misshapen brows, or film over his eyes, or discharge from it, a man who has a scab, or eruption, or has had a testicle ruptured.

Jehovah, Jehovah

Leviticus 24: 16

Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. The whole community must stone him whether alien or native. If he utters the name, he must be put to death.

As Long as They're From Canada, It's OK

Leviticus 25: 44

Such slaves you have, male or female, should come from the nations around you. From them you may buy slaves.

Human Sacrifice: No Ifs, Ands or Buts

Leviticus 27: 28-29

Nothing, however, which anyone devotes to the Lord irredeemable from his own property, whether a human being, animal or ancestral land, my be sold or redeemed. Everything so devoted is most holy to the Lord. No human being thus devoted may be redeemed. He must be put to death.

Everybody Must Get Stoned

Numbers 15: 35-36

The Lord said to Moses, "The man must be put to death. He must be stoned by the whole community outside the camp." So the whole community took him outside the camp, where he was stoned to death as the Lord had commanded Moses.

Snakes, OK. Calves? Not Cool

Numbers 21: 9

So Moses made a bronze serpent and erected it as a standard in order that anyone bitten by a snake could look at the bronze serpent and recover.

Don't Make an Ass Out of Me

Numbers 22: 28-29

The Lord made the donkey speak and she said to Balaam, "What have you done? This is the third time you have beaten me." Balaam answered, "You have been making a fool of me. I should have killed you on the spot."

The Biggest Booty Ever

Numbers 31: 32

These were the spoils which remained of the plunder taken by the fighting men: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and as for persons, 32,000 young women who had had no intercourse with a man.

Search and Destroy

Deut. 2: 34

We captured all his towns at that time and put to death under solemn ban everyone in them, men, women, and dependents. We left no survivors.

Peace Treaty, What's That?

Deut. 7: 2

And when the Lord your God delivers them into your power for you to defeat, you must exterminate them. You must not make alliance with them or spare them.

Ah, to be Rich and Free

Deut. 12: 12

You will rejoice in the presence of the Lord with your sons and daughters, your male and female slaves, and the Levites who live in your settlements because they have no holdings, no ancestral portion among you.

That'll Keep 'em Still

Deut. 15: 16-17

If, however, a slave is content to be with you and says, "I shall not leave you, I love you and your family," then take an awl and pierce it through his ear to the door and he will be your slave for life. Treat a slave girl in the same way.

No Peace for the Dickless

Deut. 23: 1

No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of God.

More Divine Wisdom

Deut. 23: 13

As part of your equipment, you are to have a trowel, and when you squat outside, you are to scrape a hole with it and then turn and cover your excrement.

The Unsandalled Man

Deut. 25: 8-10

At this, the elders of the town should summon him and reason with him. If he still stands his ground and says I refuse to take her, his brother's widow must go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare, "Thus we requite the man who will not build up his brother's family. His family will be known in Israel as the house of the unsandalled man."

Stu Gatz!

Deut. 25: 11-12

When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.

Have a Blessed Day

Deut. 28: 22

May the Lord afflict you with a wasting disease and recurrent fever, ague, and eruptions with drought and black blight and red and may these plague you until you perish.

Same to You

Deut. 28: 27

May the Lord strike you with Egyptian boils and with tumors, scabs and itch for which you will find no cure.

Holy Cannibalism, Batman!

Deut. 28:53

Then because of the dire straights to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.

The King TakesTips

1 Samuel 18:25-27

Then Saul said, "Thus shall you say to David, 'The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king's enemies.'"

I'm a Clown? I Amuse You?

2 Kings 2:23-24

He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

So, How Many Gods Are There, Anyway?

The Psalms (English Standard Version)

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)

I said, "You are gods, sons of the Most High, all of you; nevertheless, like men you shall die, and fall like any prince." (82:6-7)

For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. (96:4)

Vintage Porn

Ezekiel 23:19-20

Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.

I welcome comments from any viewpoint. If you believe these quotes are "out of context" please offer a context that would make sense out of any one of these. The Chapter and Verse citations are provided above to help you find the context. Comments that use the words "out of context" without offering an explanation will be deleted. Comments that stimulate conversation by discussing the proper meaning will remain.

What Say You? - Please offer your comments on this collection of Bible verses.

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    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 years ago

      This article is absolutely horrendous. I am sorry for whoever wrote this.

      I don't think you understand the gravity of what you have done.

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Loved this lens. I love seeing what lensmasters believe - a little scrutiny is fine for everyone. God is certainly big enough to take it. Pinned to my humor board.

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Loved this lens. I love seeing what lensmasters believe - a little scrutiny is fine for everyone. God is certainly big enough to take it. Pinned to my humor board.

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Loved this lens. I love seeing what lensmasters believe - a little scrutiny is fine for everyone. God is certainly big enough to take it. Pinned to my humor board.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Only One God?

      Genesis 6: 4

      In those days as well as later when the sons of the gods had intercourse with the daughters of mortals and children were born to them, the Nephilim were on the earth; they were the heroes of old, people of renown.

      -This isn't referring to other gods. nephilim are the spawn of angels and humans. That's why angels no longer have genitalia.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: The Quran is pure. Pure CRAP. The RIGHT way isn't to molest children or kill innocent people.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Yep! They came from the Good Book alright!

      That one about the witch really upsets people. Not me though. I'm not a witch. I'm just a nuisance. :)

      I've always believed God has a sense of humor. So you probably won't get struck by lightning. But if you do ... you won't be surprised, wil you?

      Enjoyed the lens. I have a warped sens of humor. Feel free not to publish my comments.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      My favorite is: Psalm18:10

      And he (God) rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      jipsi

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: there are documents proving that jesus was a real person, but there is no mention of him being at all... magical, although he was a great healer and gave people someone to believe in during unjust times.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: 'You're' 'religion' 'Roamed'

      You're welcome.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Just saying that many of these versus have been translated/interpreted wrongly...when they says sons of god it is referring to man not *gods* and the whole mistress thing, mistress does not mean the same as it did when the bible was written mistress refers to that person's owner, and did not necessarily treat her badly, if you see it broken down in other texts/versions of the bible it merely says,

      8 The angel said, âHagar, Saraiâs slave girl, why are you here? Where are you going?â

      Hagar said, âI am running away from Sarai.â

      9 The angel of the Lord said to her, âSarai is your owner. Go home to her and obey her.â

      You can see this version and other versions of different versus' and bibles at this website, before you decide what is true or not. there are many websites like biblegatgeway that offers many translations

      It has challenged my spirituality and belief system but it is always best to have all the facts, but also important to keep an open mind! but overall it depends on how people interpret the bible..i.e catholic,Lutheran,baptist,Methodist ect. all interpret it differently.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Individual faith creates it's own interpretation. We're fortunate to be able to voice them all...not always agreeing ...but having a voice.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Words to live by...

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Gullible retard

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      I think you should add passages that say people aren't allowed to eat two meats at one meal or wear clothes made of two materials...

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I think Jesus did live, but that does not prove that he was the son of God.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Your wrong, the bible is true. If you don't believe me, then how do you explain this People in every riligion believe that Jesus romed the earth.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Read the Quran .. it has nothing like this .. the bible is corrupted .. and you have to find the right way .. ISLAM is pure .. read about it .. don't listen to the lying media made by christians and Jews ..

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: You are good, very good! Thanks.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @JPMay26: Seems like an incompetent god that leaves so much room for ambiguity that one has to try hard to make it look good, don't you think? :)

    • ManbeardTheHuge profile image

      ManbeardTheHuge 4 years ago

      Some of these are great.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @Kylyssa: How pathetic that deluded Christians even attempt to make sense of this vile Bible nonsense, try to "put it into context", and even pretend it remains the "inspired word of God." LOL. The Bible was written by ancient unknown Jewish Sand People who were goat herders. It was forged, added to, edited, tampered with and otherwise fraudulently fabricated by a vast number of religious freaks, down through the ages. Christians hate hearing the truth of their beloved Book of Lies and Various Assorted Rubbish. LOL again.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @Milo5000: Thank you for this. I've read these words and thought the same thing; not a lot of people do. Finding such uncommon common ground is always super freaking cool. :D

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      Those are verses taken out of context, and intelligient people don't take things out of context with out first reading everything around it, considering the time, place and culture and whether or not some of those things were said by God or not. No, intelligient people don't take things out of context- or do they Squidoo?

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Thank you for seeing humor in something most people won't, but understand this, from an Atheist to a Christian, when you're dealing with religion (specifically Christianity), there is no room for gray. Everything is presented in the Bible in black and white; the faith does not allow for gray area. To see a Christian laugh at such a verse as cruel and morally wrong as this brings another verse to mind, one on the whole other end of the book. Revelations 3:15-16. Good luck, my friend.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: They were to be taken literally, under the Old Law and old covenants. They do not apply now, under the covenant of Jesus Christ, but they WERE literal AT THAT TIME. What is even MORE important is what this implies! It implies that God changes His mind. Take a second, and just THINK about what that means.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Saying shit like that doesn't further anyone, and it makes you just as much of a fool as whomever you are mocking. It's shameful for me as a non-believer to see people say that sort of thing to Christians. Completely shameful.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @hamshi5433: It isn't making fun of anyone, it's pointing out what your religious text says. I am not your enemy, I don't even know you, nor can I pretend that I do. What I do know, is you form enemies out of thin air. I'm not cursing you, I certainly don't hate you, I'd love to have a further conversation with you, and you are declaring people to be enemies, myself included, simply because I disagree with you. That seems a bit wrong to me...

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I'm more interested in what I think about the Bible verses what Mark Woodman thinks about it. The Bible is instructions for living the life, both carnal AND eternal, that God wants you to have, no? Then why not study the Bible and come away with an interpretation applicable and determined by you, God and no one else, instead of taking other people's interpretations and just assuming they are correct? I read it myself, and found that what people say the Bible says is drastically different from what the Bible actually says. Also, *mockery. Not mokkary. Reading is important to understanding, brother.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I think this is an interesting collection of verses. I got out my KJV Scofield Study Bible just to see original translations, to omit italicized words and read the surrounding chapters to gain the verses' context. What I can say, is these are indeed verses that many Christians simply ignore, which is sad. Every Christian should at least study the first five books of the Bible. Personally, I do not follow Christianity. I used to, and I do not look down on it at all. Many of my personal morals match up quite closely to Christian morals. However, these older laws and covenants get overlooked, and the fact that multiple covenants exist under God prove that God is a god who is always changing. He is not the same today as tomorrow; if that were the case, you wouldn't have the Noahic and Abrahamic covenants that get left behind for the new covenant under Jesus Christ. These laws are real, and are to be understood for what they are. The Bible promotes killing homosexuals, display women as lesser than men, and many, many contradictions in religious practice are present. Many can say these are out of context, but please, I humbly ask of all Christians, read the entire Bible from front to back before claiming to know what it is all about. It's what I did, and after reading it, I discovered that my faih lies elsewhere. Instead of treating religion like a social construct that can be abused when it is convenient, study the religious text, understand it, and then figure out what you really think FOR YOURSELF. Don't let a pastor or televangelist tell you what to think, and develop your own opinion. You may just find that nothing is what it seems.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      @JPMay26: Thanks. I found answers to some questions I had from your response. Very informative.

    • JPMay26 profile image

      JPMay26 5 years ago

      @Milo5000: I second that Bob; thereâs loads here out of context or completely mistranslated. Please, donât use the crappy Revised English Bibleâ¦used the King James Version at least.

      1st passage â Not sure whatâs bizarre here

      2nd passage â Bene Ha-Elohim (possessive structure = âGodâs Sonsâ)â¦no âofâ.

      3rd passage â You omit the context of Gen ch 3 and Gen 6:5. In Gen 8:21 God will not wipe out the *whole earth* or the creature again just because of man (heâs going after man directly next time).

      4th passage â You Omit that Abram made a *fear-based* decision (Gen 12:12-13) that wasn't commanded by God.

      5th passage â Mistranslation: Turtledove (pigeon) & young bird

      6th passage â I lol at this translation

      7th passage â The visitors were Holy Angels of God who the men of Sodom wanted to take and have sex with (âsodomyâ was considered obscene and filthy at the time); COMPLETE disrespect for who the Angels represented. So Lot would rather the men satisfied themselves with his daughters (who were as corrupt) than to attempt sodomy to the holiness of God.

      8th â Gen 19:17 Omitted (Angels said, âDONâT LOOK BACK & DONâT STOPâ)...she looked back.

      9th (Same deal as 4thâ¦) Abram made another decision of fear instead of faith.

      10th â God had to test Abrahamâs faith (see 4 & 9 above). Without faith itâs impossible to please God.

      11th â lol Yes! Like Father, Like Sonâ¦fear-based living, instead of faith-based.

      12th â Look how serious we treat honoring contracts in our own society. Contracts are binding and breaking them is subject to the FULL remedy of the law. There was a circumcision contract (from Abraham's time) that was not being honored, soâ¦

      13th â It was never said others couldn't perform this miracle, but Exodus 7:12 is the important part.

      14th â Youâre confusing our civilization with theirs: In that culture, the woman always had to be covered/protected, never exposed. "Life" is the most important thing to God (not status), so to free a woman (after servitude) without any property of her own, was her death sentence because women couldnât fend for themselves as well as men at the time.

      15th â Wellâ¦

      16th â Exodus 22:29 â all First born fruits are Godâs: (of men, cattle, seeds)â¦But you can redeem (buy free) them if you wantâ¦but itâll cost you.

      17th â (similar to 12th) how serious are contracts in our societyâ¦how stiff are our punishments for breaking them? Israel JUST got finished agreeing to the contract to not worship any other gods, and when Moses returns with the written contract (commandments) theyâre having a freaken orgy around a golden calf, saying the calf is the true God! His mercy was shown in NOT killing EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. Itâs the same way today when someone says âI throw myself upon the mercy of the courtâ. Mercy is âleniency in judgmentâ. Mercy isnât âsuspending judgmentâ.

      18th â Take a page from hospital operating rooms, or âcleanroomsâ for chemistry or micro-technologyâ¦We accept that there are areas in our society that must remain free of any impurities; impurities that are natural to people physical makeup (because we believe in the necessity & value of these areas), but we canât accept that God had such similar areas requiring absolute purity as "the Holy Place" where offerings are made to a Holy God.

      19th â Terrible translation! Itâs âwhoever *blasphemes* the name of the lord must e put to deathâ. God wants his name known.

      20th â Their definition of slave is lacking in your context. Todayâs âmaidsâ and âbutlersâ and âdriversâ would have been called âslavesâ back then. Israel was originally to be a holy *priest* nation, not servants, contingent upon their adherence to the contract (which they broke).

      21st â Terrible Translation! âNo man devoted [to service] to God may be bought out of that workâ¦anyone who is, shall be put to death.â In other words, service to God isnât a business or a wage job (like many of todayâs religious officials have currently made it out to be).

      22nd â "The Sabbath" is THE quintessential mark of God, and anyone who, again, agreed to the contract but then breaks this specific provision must die. [If you read this whole thing so far, youâd see that God is pretty consistent.]

      23rd â They werenât worshiping this thing, they were told to look at it. Manâ¦

      24th â The ass was trying to turn around to go back home because there was an invisible angel waiting further down to kill Balaam, because Balaam was paid off by Israelâs enemies to curse Israelâ¦even when God has said âDon't do it, Balaamâ. But God STILL had grace on balaam by opening the assâs mouth to tell him âLook! You about to die fool [Eddy Murphy's voice (lol)]! Stop this greedy quest!â

      25th â This plunder was from the same enemies who were told by God to leave Israel alone (see 24th)â¦the same who paid Balaam to curse them (after their own warning); the same who â even after all of these warnings â devised a plan to send their own women to Israelâs camps to seduce Israelâs men and corrupt them. So they were all killed and the rest of their women were made slaves. Justice is balance.

      26th â NO! Not âsearch and destroyâ. Deut 2:27, Moses asked to simply allow Israel to pass through the land and to buy some foodâ¦but King Sihon refused and sent an army to utterly destroy every one of them (deut 2:30 & 32)â¦so, Israel's enemies were utterly destroyed instead. [Againâ¦Do you see how God works? You get what you give.]

      27th â All nations were given commands from God to followâ¦those who didnât follow them were completely removed from the land and completely destroyed as a nation. Israel was no different when they broke the agreements. God is the same for everyone.

      28th â Youâre missing the primary word that explains this passage: âWITHâ. All were to celebrate in the presence of God. People with inheritance were to celebrate WITH the Levites, WITH the slaves, WITH sons and daughters. Celebration Day was a day of sharing.

      29th â It was a mark of allegiance. Like a tattoo can be or like a wedding ring is today.

      <<â¦you knowâ¦a lot of this âbizarrenessâ would be avoided if these books were actually "read for understanding" instead of cherry-picked for verses that sound strange.>>

      30th â Againâ¦Israel was supposed to be a nation of holy priests. NOTHING corrupt or imperfect was allowed because the priest represented God's presence to the world.

      31st â â¦How is Deut 23:13 bizarre?

      32nd â Ok, this oneâs bizarre in relation to our culture (LOL).

      33rd â Itâs the seeds, man! God owns the seeds! You wouldnât believe how holy & prophetic man and womanâs bodies are.

      34th â Deut 28:1-14 Provisions for Israel honoring the contractâ¦Deut 28:15-68 are Curses for Israel for breaking the contract. The contract was spelled out for them.

      35th â (see 34th)

      36th â (see 34th)

      37th â Saul was a terrible person.

      38th â What can I say? Donât mess with a prophet of God.

      39th â "Elohim" = Mighty Ones = (translated as) âgodsâ. We have our definition of "god" from Greek-based culture, but a âgodâ as far as scripture is concerned is anyone who has *authority* over another.

      Parents are (supposed to be) gods over their children. Husbands are (supposed to be) gods over their wives. Kings & governors are âgodsâ over the people. Angels are âgodsâ ministering over man. And God is âthe Most Highâ (i.e. the âgodâ of most authority). A "god" is to govern under the established law with balance, fairness, mercy.

      40th â Ezekiel 23:19-20 is a description of Israel from Godâs perspective. Remember I said Israel signed a contractâ¦well the contract was a âmarriageâ contract she signed. She got married, and then started to sleep around.

    • Milo5000 profile image
      Author

      Milo 5 years ago from New York

      @anonymous: Bob, Just saying it is out of context is easy. I challenge you to provide the context that would explain any one of these quotes.That would be a much more interesting conversation,

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Yes, out of context I can make even Obama (the god of today's America) sound foolish.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: If you were to be a tool, you'd be the trowel I'd use to bury my shit with.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Mokkary is spelt mockery. As in Nero used christians as human candles to make a mockery of them or it's so easy to mock the uneducated because they can't spell. Not mokk.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      This is much appreciated. As a former Christian (that is, I was raised to be one) I get peace of mind from opening the bible and doing something that most Christians (I think) don't do: I read it. When I do it isn't long before I'm met with powerful evidence that this was not a book written by the creator of the universe, but by very strange, strange men (to be polite). This collection of verses are hilarious, and the headings are just as good.

      May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with His noodley appendage.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: So even if you read you are not allowed to think about the texts yourself? Leave the thinking to the people who have studied ( or say so). Interesting... Well I can't help using my brain and can see the truth behind the bible. It is just a collection of myths used to enslave people.

      Wake up Hadassa and start using your brain for the first time in you life.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      The bible was made by man........... O and why does all of this stuff happen now like see a big light in our eyes and be blind, or sacrifice lambs. Maybe because the bible is a fake.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      I didn't read all the way through. It didn't "offend me" I just disagree because most of what I read was taken out of context. You can't just take one verse and expect it to make sense. The slave verses are very strange though.. I'd like to look into that more.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Lol...you make a 'mockery' out of being able to spell and thinking rationally...

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      No part, sentence word or book in the Bible is for private interpetation, you make a mokkary of The Word of God. Let the Bible explain the Bible, be afraid very afraid of what comes out of your mouth. Only through dilligent study the Bible will unlock the Bible for you. I suggest you google Mark Woodman DVD's you will sing another story. And so by the way do you know what the word Bible means - "Basic Instructions Before Leaving The Earth" . Regards Hadassa

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: I agree with this comment completely. Some of these verses make cute bible jokes (ie. the one sandaled man) while others are merely offensive. There IS a lot of immoral stories in the bible- and those stories were to leave examples for us to follow. I suppose the main problem with non believers that ridicule and pass the bible off as contradictory and unjust but rely on only one verse to make up their minds. In order to see the loving message and understand each verse completely, you have to read the entire chapter, and sometimes the entire book. Christianity isn't as hypocritical as some make it out to be. A lot of different denominations riddle the words to suit their own purposes, and for a lot of our New Testament Christians- the entire message was lost on them. But anyway, some of these were cute- might even share the one sandaled man verse at bible study. Thank you for a few laughs, and I always like to be tested to read the word of God and fortify my beliefs. And to all of the people leaving negative comments, Christian or non believing- you lost the argument. They say you can always tell who is winning by who is the calmest. God bless, everyone! :)

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      The old testament can be messed up sometimes. Somehwere in timothy it says the right to speak is reserved for men

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      great quotes, and good pictures and captions too. here's one you've got to include: ezekiel 4:12-15

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Lmfao

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Lmfao

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Whoops, I thought I was adding a comment to hamshi5433s the one above was mine :)

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @hamshi5433: Haha funny Jesus freak

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @hamshi5433: If you could explain every verse, you would have done it. But you can`t, since many of them are so clear that there are nothing to explain.

      "Love your enemies? and bless those who curse you?" can`t you see how sick this stuff is? I can not understand how you can defend an disgusting book like this.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @hamshi5433: Just lettinge you know, men and women have exactly the same amount of ribs. So, how the frick did that work? Did God take one rib from Adam and then he was left with 23? Did eve have a rib more, just kinda transplanted in there? where would it go? Where did god put Adams rib in eve's body? And also men and women (unless there are some genetic mutations) have EXACTLY the same amount of ribs 24, so God took a rib from adam, but did not change his genetic make-up, made eve from this rib, but matching her genetic make.up to Adam concerning the ribs. I don't mean to sound rude and I hope you won't feel the need to pray for me, that would honestly be wasted, I think. So well, please explain the whole rib situation :)

    • top101 profile image

      top101 5 years ago

      haha I love these!

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      I'm a Christian and I STILL found some of these hilarious. I know the Bible can be really messed up sometimes.

      Personal favorite is Deut. 25:11-12. Keep those wives in their place. They shouldn't be grabbing your junk to stop a fight, they should be in the kitchen making your dinner!! Its so irrelivant and hilarious... Thank you so much for reminding me not to take everything so damn seriously...

    • SquidooPower profile image

      SquidooPower 5 years ago

      This is my favorite biblical thing since the leggo bible!

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @hamshi5433: Hamshi, what about the verses that say a woman is at fault of her own raping if she doesn't cry out loud enough? How about when a rape victim must marry her attacker? A talking donkey? And, let's talk about god himself; he creates an immensely vast universe and only uses one speck of dust to harbor life? Wasteful. He created a race of beings to love him and only him. Narcissistic. Allows his own son to be killed while having the power to prevent the death. Manslaughter.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      What was that king going to do with 100 foreskins?

    • Milo5000 profile image
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      Milo 5 years ago from New York

      @hamshi5433: @Hamshi. Thank you for your prayers. I do find Genesis 2:20 humorous. As told, it implies that Adam kept rejecting cows and chickens as potential mates until God finally figured out how to make Eve. You are correct that I deliberately selected verses (the most absurd ones) to suit my topic. But I did not edit them. "Sons of the Gods" is from the Revised English Bible, which is considered one of the more reliable translations. I have added an entry above on the many references to multiple gods in Psalms.

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      hamshi5433 5 years ago

      "Genesis 2: 20

      The man gave names to all the cattle, to the birds of the air and to every wild animal, but for the man himself, no suitable partner was found." What is so picky about it??

      You just copied random verses and edited them to suit your topic. I can sit here and explain each verse you`ve written but you will learn things yourself one day.

      Thank you so much for making fun out of the holy bible and Christianity.

      "Love your enemies"

      "bless those who curse you"

      "if the world hated you, ye remember it hated me first"

      God bless you sir. I will pray for you.

      The next line says Adam was alone so God made him sleep and created Eve to be the perfect partner for him. Animals didn't look like Adam, God created Adam in his own image hence he wanted some one equally perfect to be Adam`s partner. And So the woman Eve was created from Adam`s ribs.

      You did not copy and paste the verses properly or you edited them to suit your intelligence. But Genesis 6:4 does not say gods! it says `GOD`:

      "There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown."

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Reassuring to know that not only did the good lord condone stoning; he recommended it...

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Not totally so, The HOLY Bible is FULL of not only weird but IMMORAL teachings!!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: If you are a christian no part of the bible is irrelevant. That's the problem with you, you use the bible as a buffet table, pick and choose which bible verses suit you and those that don't you say are irrelevant. Seriously since you believe in god, what are you going to do on your judgement day look at god and say well I didn't sin that part of the bible which you wrote is irrelevant to me. Since when do you know better than god? It says in the bible those who disobey me and know me are more damned than those who don't know me. you claim to be a christian and disobey his word, and why because it's irrelevant to you. That's one of the funniest and at the same time dumbest argument ever gave by a christian.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: well, yeah. That's the cool part. :-)

    • Milo5000 profile image
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      Milo 6 years ago from New York

      @anonymous: Thanks for the comments.

      My first thought is that the Old Testament is still relevant to the Jews. It is their Bible. So the idea that it no longer has authority does not apply to all believers.

      To dismiss the Old Testament implies that God wrote bad law and then sent Jesus to amend those laws. An infallible God would get it right the first time.

      Yes, my headings mock the human writers whose words you attribute to God. I picked the most absurd passages specifically to question their legitimacy.

      I am sorry you are offended but hope that reading these verses made you think.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @Milo5000: Most of these passages are Old Testament law which were for the the Israelites before Jesus' coming and are now irrelevant to New Testament Christians. They are not to be taken literally. They are to show us how we would need to live our lives if we didn't have a Savior and would need to be held responsible for our Sins. The Israelites in the Old Testament didn't even follow these rules as they should which resulted in their many captivities (i.e. Egyptian, Babylonian, etc.) and punishments. Most of the other verses are just examples of the sins of the Israelites, many of which are similar to the sins of modern day people.

      Furthermore, though you do provide the references for further reading, you're headings quite frankly mock God's holy inspired Word.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      Yeah, I smiled. I know these, of course, and some others not really there like "Where is baseball mention in the Bible?" Why, in Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning (in the big inning). LOL. Ten things you might not know: http://www.squidoo.com/ten-things-you-might-not-kn...

    • Milo5000 profile image
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      Milo 6 years ago from New York

      @anonymous: @ Seriously.The context is provided via the chapter and verse citations that appear with each entry. All you have to do is open your Bible and look them up. (The page intro above recommends independent reading.) This is not an online Bible; it is a collection of verses.The book itself is widely published so the full context is available to anyone willing to do the work.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      These are all taken out of contexted. All book passages would seem strange if only a small segment was taken out of context!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      The bible is supposedly the literal word of God.... if it isn't then its just the imagination of some authors and that defeats its entire purpose. Saying that things like this were "back in the old days" is completely wrong, God (supposedly) said these things and a true christian would follow them to the letter. I honestly doubt the sanity of a person who can read these and the first thought that hits them isn't WTF! or something of a similar fashion.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      after Lott's wife is turned 2 stoned while fleeing S & G. Lott and his 2 daughters flee to a cave, where the girls (daughters) decide, "LET US PLY OUR FATHER WITH WINE AND LIE WITH HIM." 1 daughter the 1st night, the other the next!!!!!! WOW !!!!!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: People's hypocrisy nor verses that require cultural consideration do not invalidate the veracity of scripture. The book stands. Many of the verses quoted here have amazing teachings to be grasped once one is open to listen.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: I totally agree with you there, Billy. I've got people in my family who don't even attend church, curse like sailors, and steal from others, yet they so believe in the Bible!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      The Bible is full of these idiotic verses, and still people believe that this book is for real. CRAZY!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      Nice collection you have here - some of this is just absurd and if you believe that your God sanctions this kind of stuff and make apologies for it then you are indeed lost. You either believe the Bible is the divinely inspired, never changing and prefect word of God or admit it isn't inerrant - it's rather pointless. The New Testament is no more exempt from weird stuff.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      Well, I think some of the Bible is history, some is prophecy, some is commentary and some is direct commandments. You have to know what you are looking at. Also, God is pretty big on subservience in general. It is difficult for the rich to enter heaven and we all must come like innocent children. The man never did sacrifice his own son and if they had killed off that race the crusades and all the terrorism in the world might not be going on now. Not that I believe in genocide as a principle but if I certainly heard God and I knew I wasn't schizo I would hopefully get the job done. They didn't and they have been bullied around the middle east and displaced for all of recent history. The new testament Jesus is sort of telling folks they missed the point. We were all incapable of perfection and so a different plan was made. Jesus personally stopped a stoning for example because a strict martial law would be okay if everyone obeyed but it was selective justice. The spirit of the law was to protect God's people. A lot of the bad things he tellls them are coming is a warning. God's punishment is like a parents punishment to prevent something worse later. I have personally experienced the love of Jesus Christ and I choose to believe because of the way God has dynamically moved in my life. Perhaps it was blind faith at first but now there is a history of prayer and answers, and faith and realiztion.

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: Tried your idea and it didn't work. I read the whole chapters to see the context and unfortunately they do not provide a rationale for the ridiculous statements made in Leviticus. Pretty hard to imagine a context in which it would be okay to own and beat slaves, offer your virgin daughters to strangers, reject people from your church because they have a disability, refuse to enter into peace treaties, sell your daughter into slavery, etc. Tell me again how the Bible is a guide for how to live your life?

    • Milo5000 profile image
      Author

      Milo 6 years ago from New York

      @anonymous: "That's Old Testament" is a common excuse. There are two obvious rebuttals to that:

      1. It is not the "old" testament to the Jews.

      2. Would a perfect God create bad law then wait 1,000s of years to correct it?

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      I asked my devout Baptist friend about the whole slavery thing, and he said that was Old Testament and Jesus' New Covenant 'deemed it invalid.' So I said, "What about the whole homosexuality thing? That's Old Testament." He had no answer.

      :D YAY HYPOCRISY!

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      @anonymous: Hello Kevin. I followed your suggestion and read some the quotes in its context. You should do that yourself. Except for the one titled "Make up your mind", I didn't find any quote that would really change its meaning when reading it in context.

    • JamesPittman LM profile image

      JamesPittman LM 6 years ago

      Interesting.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      I'm curious as to what the context is where god promotes slavery....he's kind of a dick, huh?

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      @anonymous: Peter wrote of personal interpretation- not God. So it's still entirely possible that Peter was playing a version of the grade school game "grapevine". It seems kind of silly to assume that human men could know the mind of God well enough to not misconstrue anything.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      @anonymous: this is so true no matter what we are reading or studying in the bible we always need to read the whole chapter in some cases we are able to go a vers or two back or firward to understand also, i see by this number you live in evensville in, my husbands from there we i lived there like 10 years sorry i know that si so off topic i just noticed it that's all lol

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      @anonymous: Kevin (et al.) The context is available through the citations. The title of this page says it is a list of verses - not an online Bible. The intro urges everyone to look up these verses and read them from your own Bible. Each entry intentionally points you to the specific chapter and verse. By all means, go back and try to figure out what it all means. Even Biblical scholars puzzle over it. Open your Bible. You have access to the context; you just have to work for it.

      Thank you for participating in this project. I hope it inspires you to continue to study the Bible.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      Nice to quote the bible, but in all of these quotes you have to read the whole chapter and text to see why God said what he said......let me add one more....."BE NOT DECEIVED FOR GOD IS NOT MOCKED........WHATOSEVER A MAN SOWETH THEREFORE SHALL HE ALSO REAP."

    • Milo5000 profile image
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      Milo 7 years ago from New York

      Wow. Thanks for the responses! I'm glad somebody is reading. For the record, I am by no means unbiased. The chapters and verses are cited so the reader may look up the context. When the human brain processes any information it becomes personal interpretation. Cannibalism is mentioned in the Bible in the context of being a vile punishment for the wicked. I consider myself and all of the commentators here to be intelligent. I do not blame God for anything.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      "Know this first of all, that there is no prophecy of scripture that is a matter of personal interpretation" (2 Peter 20-21 NAB)

      In other words, for all the people that try to explain the bible "out of context" or "understanding the time period", or whatever, don't.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      If you study the bible you CAN understand these quotes. God never said "eat your children". Anyway, thanks for your attempt at being unbiased.

      If you blame the state of the world or yours on God, you are sorely mistaken.

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      You have to read them in context with how they were written- not just pulled at random! Also, consider the time period and culture. As intelligent persons, we all know better than to take one thing without investigating it. At, least, that's what intelligient people do Squidoo. ;)

    • Milo5000 profile image
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      Milo 7 years ago from New York

      Ashley, I agree. That's why I read the Pentateuch in order, start to finish, before pulling these quotes. I am aware of the full context. Unfortunately, it is not possible to provide full context in this format. 1) If I summarized the context, that would be editorializing on my part. 2) If I transcribed entire chapters, it would defeat the purpose of identifying specific quotes. The best I could do it cite the chapter and verse for each quote, in hopes that the reader will look it up and get the full context that way.

      In fairness, church pastors do exactly the same thing. They read a specific quote out loud. They don't read full chapters out loud. They even flip back and forth from Old and New Testament as they pull out quotes, which jumbles up the context even worse. The explanations they provide are opinions because each pastor has a slightly different understanding of the meaning, especially on difficult passages.

      Saying a quote is out of context is a very common way for Christians to make excuses for absurd Bible verses that even they don't understand. Fact of the matter is most believers do not read the Bible cover to cover, as a book should be read. Which means Christianity by and large is always out of context.

      I hope this explanation and defense of my approach sounds half-way intelligent to you. : )

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      anonymous 7 years ago

      You have to read them in context with how they were written- not just pulled at random! Also, consider the time period and culture. As intelligent persons, we all know better than to take one thing without investigating it. At, least, that's what intelligient people do Squidoo. ;)

    • Kylyssa profile image

      Kylyssa Shay 7 years ago from Overlooking a meadow near Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA

      Those really are some pretty weird Bible quotes. How can anyone make heads or tails of that book, anyway?