Weird Bible Quotes
Read some of the strangest passages in the Bible
The Bible is full of oddities. Some of the following Bible verses will make you chuckle; others will curl your hair. If you are a nonbeliever, I hope you get a kick out of reading this. If you are a believer, may it challenge or strengthen your faith.
My selection of verses is subjective and the subheads are irreverent. However, the passages themselves are straight out of the Good Book. I used the Revised English Bible. So check these verses against your favorite version of the Bible.
Feel free to recommend your favorite bizarre Bible verses or to cuss me out for being a heathen. Have a blessed day.
Picky, Picky, Picky
Genesis 2: 20
The man gave names to all the cattle, to the birds of the air and to every wild animal, but for the man himself, no suitable partner was found.
Only One God?
Genesis 6: 4
In those days as well as later when the sons of the gods had intercourse with the daughters of mortals and children were born to them, the Nephilim were on the earth; they were the heroes of old, people of renown.
Make Up Your Mind
Genesis 1: 31 / Genesis 6: 6-7 / Genesis 8: 21
And God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Evening came, and morning came, the sixth day.
He bitterly regretted that he had made mankind on earth. He said, "I'll wipe off the face of the earth this human race I have created - yes, man and beast, creeping things and birds, I regret that I ever made them."
When he smelled the soothing odor, he said, "Never again shall I put the earth under curse because of mankind, however evil their inclination may be, from their youth upward, nor shall I kill all living creatures as I have just done."
Abraham the Open Minded
Genesis 12: 18-19
Pharaoh summoned Abram. "Why have you treated me like this?" he said. "Why did you not tell me she was your wife? Why did you say she was your sister, so that I took her as a wife? Here she is. Take her and go."
And Don't Forget the Pigeon
Genesis 15: 9
The Lord answered, "Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove and a young pigeon."
Yes Mistress, Thank You Mistress
Geneses 16: 8-9
And he said "Hagar, Sarai's slave girl, where have you come from and where are you going?" She answered, "I'm running away from Sarai, my mistress." The angel of the Lord said to her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to ill treatment at her hands."
Take my Daughters, Please
Genesis 19: 8
"Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof."
Eh, She Deserved It
Genesis 19: 26
But Lot's wife looked back and she turned into a pillar of salt.
Once a Pimp, Always a Pimp
Genesis 20: 2-3
He said of Sarah that she was his sister, and King Abimelech of Gerar had her brought to him. But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night and said, "You shall die because of this woman you have taken. She is a married woman."
Are You Out of Your Freaking Mind?
Genesis 22: 2
God said, "Take your son, your one and only son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him as a sacrifice on one of the heights I will show you."
Like Father, Like Son
Genesis 26: 6-7
Isaac settled in Gerar, and when the men of the place asked questions about his wife, he told them she was his sister, for he was afraid they would murder him because of her; for she was very beautiful.
Quick Thinking Zippy
Exodus 4: 24-26
On the journey, while they were encamped for the night, the Lord met Moses and would have killed him. But Zipporah picked up a sharp flint, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' privates with it, saying, "You are my bridegroom." So the Lord let Moses alone. It was on that occasion she said, "Blood bridegroom by circumcision!"
Who Can't Do That?
Exodus 7: 10-11
When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them. Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent. At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.
Women's Rights 6,000 B.C.
Exodus 21: 7
When a man sells his daughter into slavery, she is not to go free as male slaves may.
Crime and Punishment
Exodus 21: 20-21
When a man strikes his slave or slave girl with a stick and the slave dies on the spot, he must be punished. But he is not to be punished if the slave survives for one day or two, because the slave is his property.
Salem Had it Right
Exodus 22: 18
You must not allow a witch to live.
God Drives a Hard Bargain
Exodus 22: 29
You must not hold back the first of your harvest, whether grain or wine. You must give me your first-born sons.
A Merciful God
Exodus 32: 27
He said to them, "The Lord God of Israel has said: Arm yourselves each of you with his sword. Go through the camp from gate to gate and back again. Each of you kill brother, friend, neighbor."
If Biblical Literalists Had Their Way
Leviticus 20: 13
If a man has intercourse with a man as with a woman both commit an abomination. They must be put to death. Their blood is on their own heads.
Before the Americans with Disabilities Act
Leviticus 21: 18-20
No man with a defect is to come, whether a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, or with misshapen brows, or film over his eyes, or discharge from it, a man who has a scab, or eruption, or has had a testicle ruptured.
Leviticus 24: 16
Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. The whole community must stone him whether alien or native. If he utters the name, he must be put to death.
As Long as They're From Canada, It's OK
Leviticus 25: 44
Such slaves you have, male or female, should come from the nations around you. From them you may buy slaves.
Human Sacrifice: No Ifs, Ands or Buts
Leviticus 27: 28-29
Nothing, however, which anyone devotes to the Lord irredeemable from his own property, whether a human being, animal or ancestral land, my be sold or redeemed. Everything so devoted is most holy to the Lord. No human being thus devoted may be redeemed. He must be put to death.
Everybody Must Get Stoned
Numbers 15: 35-36
The Lord said to Moses, "The man must be put to death. He must be stoned by the whole community outside the camp." So the whole community took him outside the camp, where he was stoned to death as the Lord had commanded Moses.
Snakes, OK. Calves? Not Cool
Numbers 21: 9
So Moses made a bronze serpent and erected it as a standard in order that anyone bitten by a snake could look at the bronze serpent and recover.
Don't Make an Ass Out of Me
Numbers 22: 28-29
The Lord made the donkey speak and she said to Balaam, "What have you done? This is the third time you have beaten me." Balaam answered, "You have been making a fool of me. I should have killed you on the spot."
The Biggest Booty Ever
Numbers 31: 32
These were the spoils which remained of the plunder taken by the fighting men: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and as for persons, 32,000 young women who had had no intercourse with a man.
Search and Destroy
Deut. 2: 34
We captured all his towns at that time and put to death under solemn ban everyone in them, men, women, and dependents. We left no survivors.
Peace Treaty, What's That?
Deut. 7: 2
And when the Lord your God delivers them into your power for you to defeat, you must exterminate them. You must not make alliance with them or spare them.
Ah, to be Rich and Free
Deut. 12: 12
You will rejoice in the presence of the Lord with your sons and daughters, your male and female slaves, and the Levites who live in your settlements because they have no holdings, no ancestral portion among you.
That'll Keep 'em Still
Deut. 15: 16-17
If, however, a slave is content to be with you and says, "I shall not leave you, I love you and your family," then take an awl and pierce it through his ear to the door and he will be your slave for life. Treat a slave girl in the same way.
No Peace for the Dickless
Deut. 23: 1
No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of God.
More Divine Wisdom
Deut. 23: 13
As part of your equipment, you are to have a trowel, and when you squat outside, you are to scrape a hole with it and then turn and cover your excrement.
The Unsandalled Man
Deut. 25: 8-10
At this, the elders of the town should summon him and reason with him. If he still stands his ground and says I refuse to take her, his brother's widow must go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare, "Thus we requite the man who will not build up his brother's family. His family will be known in Israel as the house of the unsandalled man."
Deut. 25: 11-12
When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.
Have a Blessed Day
Deut. 28: 22
May the Lord afflict you with a wasting disease and recurrent fever, ague, and eruptions with drought and black blight and red and may these plague you until you perish.
Same to You
Deut. 28: 27
May the Lord strike you with Egyptian boils and with tumors, scabs and itch for which you will find no cure.
Holy Cannibalism, Batman!
Then because of the dire straights to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.
The King TakesTips
1 Samuel 18:25-27
Then Saul said, "Thus shall you say to David, 'The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king's enemies.'"
I'm a Clown? I Amuse You?
2 Kings 2:23-24
He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.
So, How Many Gods Are There, Anyway?
The Psalms (English Standard Version)
God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)
I said, "You are gods, sons of the Most High, all of you; nevertheless, like men you shall die, and fall like any prince." (82:6-7)
For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. (96:4)
Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.
I welcome comments from any viewpoint. If you believe these quotes are "out of context" please offer a context that would make sense out of any one of these. The Chapter and Verse citations are provided above to help you find the context. Comments that use the words "out of context" without offering an explanation will be deleted. Comments that stimulate conversation by discussing the proper meaning will remain.