Burial Rituals to Die For

I went to a viewing last night. They really should warn you that there might be a dead person in the room when you walk in. It’s pretty awkward if you’re not expecting it.

I don’t really understand the rituals we have in America when loved ones die. I don’t understand people chatting it up around a person who is obviously not listening. It’s not a place for a narcissist to go for sure.

I can see it now, “you just don’t seem to be hearing what I’m saying. This is hard for me, I would think you would understand that.”

Body, ~silence~.

Narcissist, “You were always this way. I’ll bet you’re just loving this!” (Huffs off)

I decided to look into other cultures and how they deal with burying their loved ones, and much to my surprise, I found out that Americans are completely sane next to some of these crazies!

In India, the grieving widow lies down on a pile of sticks next to her husband, and then they’re both set on fire. This is not a good day for the children; or the wife, who apparently gets help from bystanders to make sure she burns completely. If she changes her minds, and says, “Hey, lets just chat it up around the body instead,” she is immediately shoved back on the bonfire by whatever means necessary. I’m pretty sure if my husband died in India, I would grab the nearest camel and make a break for it. Or taxi. A taxi would probably be better.

According to cracked.com the British put a stop to this practice around the early 1800’s, only to have to ban it again in 1956, and in 1981. This makes all kinds of sense. What person wouldn’t want to be burned alive for no reason what so ever?

I read further on the following website, which made me stop reading and regret heavily the 3 donuts I just ate while researching. My job is hard. People are insane and gross. If you haven't just eaten, and would like to see more regarding creepy death rituals, please click on the following link: http://www.cracked.com/article_16502_the-5-creepiest-death-rituals-from-around-world.html#ixzz13ksKSysO

Getting back to my research, now that my donuts have settled, I find that according to www.matadornetwork.com , the Vikings used to burn the guy who died, then pass the wife around for some consolation nookie and then strangle her when they felt consoled enough.

This must be why we don’t see many women Vikings in history, and the ones we do are complete bad-asses. She would have had to be to fight off all the grieving friends who need consoling if her husband died. Talk about a good reason not to get married!

I’m beginning to see a trend here.

In China, (see: http://dying.lovetoknow.com/Sacrificial_Burial_China) if a guy in your village happens to die, and you happen to be a virgin, the best thing you can do is GET OUT! The families like to bury a virgin bride woman with their son (in the month of April) so he’s not lonely in the afterlife. What the virgin bride woman thinks of this is not known since no one asked her if she wanted to play Scrabble with some guy in the afterlife, they just kill her and then hold her in storage until April. If the death of the son is in May, she may be waiting for a while. Does anyone care if she’s lonely, if she even likes Scrabble, or if, maybe, just maybe, she wanted to date around first? No.

My advice to virgins in China is “don’t be a virgin in China.” Oh, and make sure no one thinks you are either. Slut it up real good .

I definitely see a trend here. It’s good to be a woman. When men die, everyone comes after you and wants you. They want you to be hot, and console them, and play Scrabble with them. How awesome is that? You just can’t beat it. Really. I’ve heard there are those who have tried.

I like the way my husband’s family does the whole “death” thing. They have a designated joke guy who shows up at each and every viewing/wake/funeral in the family. He gets people laughing so hard they blow Kool-Aid out their noses and forget they’re not at a comedy club. There is a lot of laughing and snorting and hooting. I’ve got to say, in all the years they’ve done this, the person who has passed on has never once complained.

No one is quite sure what they’re going to do when the designated joke guy passes on. I think they’ve recorded all the viewing/wake/funerals he’s been at. I’m fairly certain when his time comes they’ll just turn on the tape recorder and do a “best of” show.

I guess, all in all, our customs aren’t as strange as I might have thought. We don’t revere women as much as other cultures, for sure, but we do allow them to show up at the funerals, say their piece, and leave in one piece. It’s not as exciting as some other cultures, but it seems this is what we have for now, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.