Deep Inside Me

Another Hub Editor asked the question, what is the most single important thing to teach a child? My reply was, about Jesus Christ; and I couldn't believe that so quickly in response to my answer I already received a few thumbs down. I sometimes forget how people can be so critically rude when it comes to this matter. I am not an everyday righteous Christian but, after seeing the thumbs down I received it inspired me to write a little about my faith in thy Heavenly Father and in the holy spirit, Jesus Christ!

First of all, I am not trying to change anyones' views or beliefs; I am just expressing my thoughts and feelings from within, I guess you can say I am witnessing to you how I came to know the Lord....

I remember way back when I was a little girl my mom, sometimes my dad, and I would wake up Sunday Mornings (sometimes in a grumpy mood) to get ready for church! At times I wanted to just sleep in but, no no no we had to get up and get ready for church but, once I had one of my pretty ruffle dresses on (that I only wore on special occasions or for church) then I was okay. I loved my sunday school teacher Ms. Irma she was the nicest loving lady ever. Anyway I grew up going to church on Sunday mornings and learned about Jesus and how he died on the cross for our sins and that he was Gods only son, I learned the names of the different books in the Bible, to pray, and a lot of kid christian songs; oh and I also was in some plays. Meanwhile at home no one knew except for me and my grandpa that I was having some very bad problems at home. To make a long story short I finally thought my bad problems were over when my grandpa (my paternal grandpa) had a stroke and eventually died a year later (when I was about 10 years old). One day my aunt (moms youngest sister) and I were watching the news before we went to bed and there was a story about a toddler and how she died because her moms boyfriend raped her and caused so much trauma to her little insides that it killed her. For some reason I thought I could confide in her and tell her about the bad problems only me and my grandpa knew about and she told me things that happen to her by her dad which was my moms dad, as well (luckily he died when I was 3 years old says my mom or else we could never go to grandmas house if he were alive). Well for some strange reason my aunt twisted up everything I told her and told her husband which was a sheriff at the time (my mom says maybe this was a way to get her husband back around to feel sorry for her or what not because he was going to leave her for some reason) and told him that I said my dad did bad things to me and told her story about her and her dad; and oh my this became a big drama thing in my family which got me taken away from my and dad and all my moms sisters turned their back on her and me so, I eventually ended up in foster homes! Mind you through all of this pain and sadness I went through as a little girl I kept my faith in the LORD and I believe this is what got me through the lonely nights of not being able to have my mom, dad, sister, or nephew by my side. No matter what I said my prayers every night and I learned I don't remember how but I learned that when I woke up every morning, to thank Jesus for me being alive and for dying on the cross for me. At this time there is so much going on at home that I never even knew about at the time and so much damage was done to my family, I went through a lot. Well 2 years later I finally can go back with my mom, but my dad can't live with us yet. Therefore my mom, dad, and I have to go to family therapy every week and I had to go to group therapy, one on one therapy, and so much more I was like when will this ever end. Of course I am still keeping my faith in the Lord and I have this relationship with thy holy spirit that I learned how to develop on my own with everything that I learned while going to church as a little girl and I guess by just feeling so alone (with no actual person on my side, so it felt). So, I finally open up to our therapist because I guess he can see that there is something just something wrong I told him my dad didn't do anything to me and he somewhat believed me but he just knew there was something that I wasn't telling him well I didn't tell anyone (except for my aunt but, I didn't ever give her the details she just made up her own story or whatever).

Okay so by this time I am around 13 years old, I live back with my mom, my sister and brother don't like me because of everything I put my mom through and none of my moms sisters or mother talk to her and everyone thinks I am the reason and everything is my fault. I am a little resentful towards everyone but I try to cope with everything I must say therapy did help a lot and of course keeping my faith and my relationship with the Lord. I lashed out a lot at my one on one therapist especially because he kept trying to get what was in my head everyday of my life out on the table so we can deal with it! Also he would remind me every visit the sooner we deal with it the sooner we can live together again like a little happy family (my poor dad after all this he still loved me and was there for me, he even apologized to me all the time for something he didn't do). Finally I said to Dr. Delgado the therapist, "Do you want to really know what the fuck happen to me what I think about from time to time almost everyday? Okay well my dads dad my grandfather from as young as I can remember maybe 4 or 5 years old he tried to fuck me almost everyday till the day he had that God sent stroke! I gave Dr. Delgado all the details and told him everything that when I was done he actually was all teary and his mouth was wide open and when I was done he says, "Wow (i'm thinking wow what the f@#$) I would of never of thought that Delilah! Oh my gosh how did you get through it? Did you push it in the back of your mind? How did you cope with all that I mean because girls that have been through what you have usually end up very scared of society that they become Nuns or the complete opposite become prostitutes or end up becoming hard core drug addicts, e.t.c."! (i'm thinking like sure whatever weirdo) I guess he kind of knew what I was I thinking because that's his job so he also says, "I am serious, you are a very strong young lady for having to go through all this alone and remembering all that you went through with that horrible man". I replied, "What? Alone I didn't go through this alone pssh I have had Jesus in my heart and by my side the whole time and that is what got me through all of it! My faith, hope, and belief (trust) in thy holy spirit Jesus Christ"!

Furthermore Dr. Delgado says, "you know you should tell your mom and dad what you just told me, right"? I say, your crazy no way do you know how broken hearted my daddy would be as it is he apologizes to me all the time for something he didn't even do! I can't I wont I don't want to. He convinces me to tell my mom and dad and boy did that take like a whole hour for me to do, it seemed like forever in a day. I told them my mom was like oh my gosh I should of known the signs were all there now it makes sense why you did this and that and my dad was crying, yelling that he was going to go dig up his dad from his grave and kill the mother fudger.

Six months or so later my mom and I go to our therapy session with Dr. Delgado and he asks, where's your dad and I reply with, "His Dead, my daddy died! To make another long story short my sister blames me for my dad's death and I go through hard times again but, this is my teenage years and you can imagine what I put my mom through and oh my I believe that the Lord got us my mom and I through this chapter in our lives and it was a struggle but we made it and now I am writing about this to let you know why I believe that teaching a child about God is one of the most single important lessons that they can be taught, but this is just my opinion!

Overall I believe with my heart that there is a God in the heavens above and holy spirit. I don't understand why people have to be so rude and cruel when it comes to my beliefs especially when it got me through very bad times in my life and was there whether good or bad. Moreover I don't know why people have to hate on something so great that it brings out the good and love out from most; it also does a lot more good than bad so why not? Why not just let it be if many don't want a part of it that is their choice but if others do then why be against it why? If it's my choice and my way of doing things and it's doing good for me and helping me become a better person or whatever then and it's my opinion why do you care to protest it, just let it be and don't judge me for it I wont judge you for your choices or opinions I may not agree but that's your life and we all have the freedom to speak what we feel from where i'm from! One more thing this was just one of my examples of my many of how and why I keep my faith!

DON'T BE HATEFUL AND DON'T BE MEAN! THAT'S SO OLDSCHOOL!