Excuse Me, What Level of Hell is This? |Which Hell is This?|The Nine Levels of Hell

Do not get me wrong, life can be very good. Furthermore, I have the following things, among many, to be grateful for: my wife, son, an old dog, a precocious kitten, a roof over my head, and a new, to me, car; however, sometimes life just kicks the hell out of you. I mean life just grabs a baseball bat and swings for the fences. After crying while rocking oneself in a fetal position for a day or two, one looks around and wonders, "Did I die and go to hell?” Moreover, one may wonder what level of hell one currently inhabits. I know that some of you do not believe that there is a hell, but I know that at least one time in your life, you have asked yourself, "Am I in Hell?" The answer is...how would I know? I suggest that you grab a cold beverage and ponder the following points to determine if one is indeed in some level or plane of hell.

1. Unemployment Hell. This hell or level of hell has always been pure torture; however, this level of hell has become infinitely more hellish since the economy has gone bad. The good news is there are ways to escape this hell. The bad news is that most of the avenues of escape lead you to other sublevels of evil. These sublevels of hell are called Underemployed Hell and Your Pay Cut in Half Hell.

2. Living Paycheck to Paycheck Hell. You might be in this level of hell if have not gone on a real vacation for years or your pantry is filled with low cost meals (Hamburger Helper anyone?). This hell can cause you to enter What If (?) Hell. What if hell has you ponder possible catastrophic event like,” What if I blow a tire?” or “What if the car breaks down?” or “What if someone in the family gets sick?”. To someone who does not inhabit this level of hell these question seem trivial. To those who inhabit this hell, these questions are truly terrifying.

3. Where Did the Time and My Dreams Go Hell? In this hell, you look around and realize that a large amount of time has gone by in a blink of an eye (younger people do not yet believe in this hell). You have been so busy surviving, raising children, and living paycheck to paycheck that your dreams are now on life-support. Fortunately, this hell can be escaped from (possibly with the help of Hubpages.com).

4. My Baby Has turned Into a Teenager Hell. That child who you tried so hard to have and have given all your love to, and sacrificed for, repeatedly, is now a teenager. In their eyes, you are now a drooling idiot that can barely feed and clothe yourself. In addition, if a teenager does anything like pick up their own dirty dish and put it in the sink, they have done the amount of work equivalent of building the Great Pyramid in ancient times. In fact, that dish should be bronzed so they can physically bring it out, as much as they verbally remind you, to demonstrate their contribution to the well being of the family, as well as testament to the brutish suffering you made them endure (set their people free!).

5. Old Age or Chronic Sickness hell. This hell has to do with your body not functioning as it should. This hell has demons by the names of arthritis, gout, and diabetes. Unfortunately, all of us will end up in Old Age Hell.

6. Sparkling Vampire Hell. Vampires use to be cool, scary, and sexy; however, this level or plane of hell has vampires that are effeminate, have weird haircuts, and sparkle in sunshine. Stoker, himself, made vampires less scary then they were in the ancient legends (they were evil incarnate and smelled of blood), but they did not twinkle in the sun like fairies. This hell is also filled with a lot of teenage angst and horny teenagers.

7. Dieting Hell. I have never, ever been on a diet where I was not hungry or miserable. Most of the demons on this level claim that you just have to make a "lifestyle change”. What the demons do not tell you is that the lifestyle change is about as appealing as a heterosexual adopting a homosexual lifestyle and vice versa. Let us see, you have to give up or consume in tiny amounts pizza, ice cream, steak, and browniesin exchnage for large amounts of wheat grass, twigs, tree bark, and tofu? Yummy!!!

8. Lecturing Hell. Lecturing hell can be amusing at first, but it soon turns, well, into a hellish experience. Lecturing hell has people lecturing you on various topics while they stand on a soapboxes. What is, at first, amusing is that you can clearly see that the person doing the lecturing has no business doing so. He/she does not realize that you know them, and all of their dirty secrets, and that they should never, ever even be slightly tempted to lecture you (or anyone). They also miss the fact that your jaw has dropped to the floor and that you are looking at them with complete disbelief; however, your amusement soon disappears as you listen to their hypocritical and droning voice…for eternity.

9. Dating and Married Hell. This plane of hell is, somehow, located very close to heaven. In marriage, one might visit this hell and heaven in the very same day. What is also very funny is that hell has two sides. Many of those in the dating hell are trying to get to married hell, and those in married hell are trying to go to dating hell. If you are lucky, like I was, you will be rescued from the dating hell by an angel and only visit marriage hell once in a great while.

In closing, I hope you are now able to determine if you are in any of the new planes or levels of hell. If you are in any of these hells, I wish you luck in escaping it.