Has God Abandoned Us?

I was an Atheist for most of my life.

I'd been raised within a Christian household. But, I had never been forced to believe in it. I abstained, I believed in nothing higher than humanity.

A year and a half ago everything just started going wrong in my life.

And I just could not deal with it on my own. And so I did something I had never done before. I turned to God. I went to my local University church.

And I felt at peace there. Lighter.

It was a strange sensation, to go from being stressed out of your mind to feeling... somewhat okay. I still remember it. There was only one person there aside from myself, a very talented pianist. He played "God Save Ye Merry Gentlemen."

It was beautiful.

After a while of more regular attending Churches, I started praying, then I attended a Bible Study group.

And things started making sense. I'm utterly certain you know what I'm talking about. We've all had those moments with God, haven't we? When things started feeling right. Like we were on the right path.

I'll admit, my knowledge of Christianity is limited. I don't consider myself Christian, as there is a lot within that denomination that I vehemently disagree with.

I don't consider myself anything.

But I do believe in God.

But that belief is being tested harshly.

Things started feeling right, and so I followed that path. I kept following it even when things started going wrong, because I believed that it was right. That it was what God had planned. And that, even if this fiasco was hurting me, it was right because so much happened that made it appear like it was what God wanted.

Maybe I was wrong.

Completely, utterly, incorrect.

Perhaps the path I was walking down was not what God wanted. I should know within the next few months, at the very least.

But, I believed. I trusted, and I kept having faith.

And all that's happened is things get worse.

One of my best friends says that God is testing my faith. That he is seeing if I can remain steadfast in my belief to him, despite everything.

But, I do not know. And if that is it. What damned right does God have to turn my life to shit merely to test me?

That's what I've never understood about some faithful. This ironclad belief that all the Good is God's work, and all the Bad is Satan's.

It strikes me as hilarious. Because Lucifer was an Angel, created by God, and God allowed him to Fall, and allowed him dominion over Hell.

People starve in Africa because we don't care enough to try feed them. Some do, but it isn't enough. People die every day due to the horror that is our world. Cruelty and corruption. Death and disorder. Chaos and carnage.

It is all rampant within our world.

And yet people still tell me that God is Good.

Where is the Good in that? In my life? Because I'm not homeless or starving or being gunned-down in a war-torn country?

I have questions, I have doubts, and I have points that I am angry about. At God. At the world. At everything.

Because I do not understand how so much bad can happen in the world, and yet still people can claim that God is good, and just and merciful.

Where is the mercy for those who go through pain every day? Where is the good and justice in making peoples' lives Hell as a test of their faith?

I am tired and I am angry. For a year I followed God's path, and I kept trying. Kept believing. Kept having faith. And everything has just gotten worse.

I wonder if it's time I forget about God and forge my own path completely separate of any religious influence in my life.

Abandon God, as he has abandoned me. And so many others.

There have been no signs, no obvious callings. Nothing that could resemble God having a hand in my life recently. Maybe I was incorrect and God merely is not True. I do not know. I wish I did.

It is possible that I was so wrong about it all. God could not exist. It's a possibility.

But, I'm willing to keep trying. At least for a little longer. My faith is not ironclad. It is not without its doubts and my own grievances. But it is there, even now. Despite all the wrong that there is.

So I will keep moving forward, and I will figure out what I can. And if it turns out I was wrong, I will accept it and move in whatever way I wish.

And if I was right. If God is True and real and exists, then I'll stay with that too.

What I'm after is the Truth, whatever that ends up being.