How to Read Minds of People

"The secret of mind-reading is first and foremost to understand how the brain functions on a biological level and once you have done that you can go and have lunch."

--William the Conqueror

To be accurate we must first make a distinction between the 'brain ' and the 'mind '. In spite of what you may have read in Reader's Digest , they are not the same thing. For one, they are spelled differently. For another, the brain is a physical organ, like a gall-bladder or a pair of tonsils, whereas the 'mind' is ethereal and without mass, having no atomic-structure or existential component, however it can whistle a tune when pressed to do so.

Again, the brain can be scanned and examined in a laboratory, on a dissecting table, but personally I'd rather not be there while they do it. The mind on the other hand, is the stuff of dreams, and is intangible, untouchable and invisible , not unlike my last earnings-statement from Google Adsense .

In the process of mind-reading we are accessing both , neither and none of the above (take your pick) in an effort to peer into the mystery of human thought itself and unlock the code that lurks there like a cat-burglar in the shadows--the kind of cat-burglars that wear those black, skin-tight outfits in James Bond movies . Those are the thoughts we are on the hunt for and when we find them, we shall expose them to the light and examine them, catalogue them, and then sell them on eBay for a tidy profit.

So, first we must thoroughly comprehend the workings of the brain.

Brains are made up of 8 basic parts:

1. the brain stem (holds the brain together during earthquakes)

2. the hypothalmus (found beneath the cranial-cavity where it spends all day eating nachos )

3.the hypocampus (responsible for muscle-control when it is not out shopping for handbags)

4.the frontal lobe (likes to raise chickens in it's spare-time)

5.the pre -frontal lobe (has been known to switch places with the frontal-lobe as a prank)

6. the post - frontal lobe (does not approve of anyone who wears elevator-shoes.)

7. the pituitary gland (thought by some neurologists to contain mayonnaise)

8.miscellaneous ( those nodes, neurons,sparks, electrical outlets and loose wires which science has yet to categorize.)

Brain waves, or as we experts like to call them, 'psychic-emanations' are similar to television signals but without the commercials. Brain waves are the very fabric of our thoughts as they are created and then broadcast into the ether where they eventually find their way on to Facebook and all your friends can see what you think of Usher's latest scandal and why you don't like to watch Zombie movies when you are eating spaghetti and meatballs and other utterly meaningless fluff.

For those of you still following along, the coming-to-be of a brain-wave is as follows:

• a synapse synapses (see my book How to Synapse Synapses and Other Appetizers;Edible Publications, 1996)

• which spawns a tsunami-event in the brain leading to the

• churning up of the mental-waters

• at which point a thought is born and

• congratulations-- you are the proud parent of a brain-wave! ^{(_{Note: It is impossible to read the mind of a person from anywhere in the Scottish Isles or Edmonton, Alberta. Science has yet to understand why this is, but it is about as futile as running for a seat as a Democratic Congressman in the next election.}}

Occasionally you will find your subject is unwilling to cooperate with your attempts to peer into their 'grey-matter'. I usually find that twisting their arm behind their back works wonders. Some people will try to throw-up great mental-barriers and gaining access to their thoughts will be similar to laying siege to a castle--replete with a mote, drawbridge and archers firing arrows at you from the parapet. You may need to wear a suit of armor for protection against their psychic-onslaught and a medieval catapult.

1. Seat yourself in a straight-back chair, and place your 'subject' (the person who's mind you are attempting to read) in a chair across from you, close enough that your knees almost touch.
2. If the person is not readily available you may wish to use a photograph of them.
3. Looking deep into their eyes (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) focus on their pupils. Imagine you are travelling into their eyes...into their brains...
4. At this point you should have reached the frontal-lobe mentioned above. There may be a sign 'Welcome to Brain Town'.
5. Walk around the streets. These are the neural-pathways of the brain. Notice any people. These are the brain-neurons. You may wish to approach a friendly-looking pedestrian and politely ask some questions--the answers are the thoughts of your subject!
6. If you see a bookstore, enter it. The books on the shelves are the archives of the subject's memory. Take a book at random and scan a page. You are now reading deeply into the mind of the subject.
7. If Brain Town has a Public Library you can visit and browse the mind of the subject. It may be organized around The Dewey Decimal System, so you will have no trouble finding information.

Should you have no success with the above method,there is an alternate method of reading the mind of a person, known as Just Ask Just Tell.

Simply ask the person what they are thinking and listen to the answer. I have used this method to read people's minds on numerous occasions to great effect. It's remarkable what most people are willing to reveal about their thoughts and are just waiting for someone to ask them!