Entry #1: I Am Capable of Bettering Myself
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want things to be different.
And after months - years - of this energy sucking black hole of patterned thoughts, I am beginning to recognize that my endless feelings of exhaustion and want for development are ever-present in the very essence of life itself. Awakening to this discovery, I am no longer hopeless or helpless against these feelings, but will remain modest in the midst of them.
I can speak and act thoughtfully and with purpose. All my efforts could be a step forward on a virtuous path that will lead me to truth derived from wisdom - no longer derived from emotion. Yes, things could be this way. So today I make a conscious and firm decision to step onto the higher path. I will improve myself each and every day.
I see now how exhaustion and want for development are two extremes along the same line, but for the past year or two my want of development has been exhausting...as well as undefined. I desire change, but if this change is not a formed idea, do I desire something invisible, unattainable, unimportant? Why does this desire for nothing affect me so greatly?
I Am Capable of Building a Foundation
Is the desire for change and want of development one and the same? Change can be achieved, through slight variation or great happenings, but development is built from foundation. I have been exhausted because my want for development applies to nothing concrete, and so these two are one in the same.
My previous foundations, built of goods and relations, have been destroyed. I now desire a foundation based in virtue, wisdom, and truth - to endure far longer than me. A foundation based on understandings that won't forsake me. A protection and a promise to never have to endure this level of pain and confusion again.
Development Based on Foundation
This is what education could be good for I suppose. Devoting one's life to a discipline supplies the liver a solid foundation from which to set life in motion, direct action. The efforts are worthy to the individual because they are a part of something longer lasting than this life.
As a perfectionist, my foundation must be perfect for me to feel it worthy of action, even worthy of existence. it must be the ultimate foundation, not a fleeting theory or popular idea.
And as I've already run the formal education gamut and found myself less than satisfied with the results, I think this next round of schooling will have to be self-administered.
My new foundation will be built around the enduring concepts of virtue, truth, and wisdom. What is the relation between truth and virtue? Is virtue entirely up to me, or can it be derived from truth?
Political theorist and author Thomas Paine says it's all on me.
Taking Stock in my Efforts
Are my ideas valid? Does it matter?
If I am to start anywhere, I might as well start with my own understandings. Even if all do not agree.
"Although one perceives non-existant reality, who can believe in its non-existance?"
If it is real to me, I can assume it is real. If it can be perceived by me, it holds potential?
Pondering this further won't create the change I desire, for as Mr. Paine pointed out it is endeavor which begets knowledge. It's time to begin.