"I Will Fear No Evil...."
"Let me tell you about the day I met Satan..."
A REAL Man Really DON'T Die!!!!
Back in 2001 I was just healing physically and I was feeling pretty good- Invincible actually. I felt that Death had tried to take me and failed, that God wouldn’t LET me die. So, of course I tested it out. I went skydiving and even fed Crunch and Munch to an intoxicated wild bear. (he was bigger than he looks- in the 300 lb. range)
And I was fine! Unfortunately, this was the beginning of literal Mania, brought on by the brain injury. In the ensuing days I had homicidal thoughts and became alarmingly suicidal. By the Grace of God I checked myself into a psych hospital which successfully diagnosed and treated the problems. This was a top of the line facility with the best doctors but people just don’t admit themselves. 99% of the time the patients are either admitted by a spouse or legal guardian, or the U.S. Legal system is required to give “violators” the chance to be treated for mental illnesses- before being punished. This was a TERRIFYING experience!! I was scared and confused as Hell! Once a person is admitted there is no way out until the patient is back under control and not a danger to themselves or others. No sharp objects, no shoestrings, no electronic devices with cords, Plexiglas windows, and “Roommates” from all walks of life, with every type of Mental Illness. Scary. But it got REALLY frightening when The Devil himself threatened me with a slow, painful death! (later some folks reasoned that he must have been a Paranoid Schizophrenic who thought he was Satan, but they don’t know. I would ask, “if that wasn’t pure Evil, then what does it look like?”) To make matters worse, his room was right next to mine. There was only a painted cinder block wall separating us and I was supposed to sleep at night! (I wrote this raw poem that night):
The Devil is real, nothing that someone conceived
On Earth He has power, His victory seems near
He wants to torture those that He hasn’t deceived
Until yesterday, I had really never felt fear
That such terror exists, I would not have believed
But now I know its real…… because the Devil is here!
The air I now breathe is so heavy and thick
My blood boils hot, my heart races fast
I feel like Hell, I think I’m gonna be sick
I’d best savor this breath, ‘cause it could be my last
Life I could probably survive….. except the Devil is here!
The Devil is Don; Don is the Devil
My safe fortress of paper He’s sure to level
“You fucked up, fell through the thin ice that you tread
You have a whole nation of people who all want you dead
The Beast is hungry, soon by your blood I’ll be fed
I'm the ‘Prince of Darkness’, I'll ‘Harvest your Sorrow
Better live for today, because there aint no tomorrow"
Now I’m locked up in this prison and I have no way out
I can’t sleep at all- Satan’s bed’s next to mine
“Dear God, please take me Home” I just shout
‘Cause the Devil wants me to suffer- slowly rip out my spine
And this will all happen soon…….because the Devil is here!
When your world is a blur and you’re completely confused, this is kind of scary! In the depths of despair, I turned to the only thing I had left…..God. My Bible was one of the only things I brought with me, but I’d already read the whole thing and didn’t even know where to start. So I simply laid it upright and let it fall open to a “random” page. Amazingly, I was looking down at Psalm 23 and when I read it, I literally wept. There’s no way that ANYTHING could have meant more to me than these words:
A Psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Right then, I literally heard the voice of The Holy Spirit within me say "don't fear, I'm with you!" “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death….” I was there, but now I knew that GOD had my back!!!
© 2009 Daniel Austhof