"In two faces of death I learned to accept and let go"

The 1st face of death:

On July 16 1984, my father passed way at the age 59 years old. It wasn't a total shock, but it was unreal to me. My father suffered from heart disease, and over a period of years, I saw his health deteriorate and him get weaker; every year after he was 45 years old. He was a good sportsman when it came down to fishing and hunting, these were his favorite things to do when he had time. He also like to go to see wrestling and watch boxing on television. He was a father that loved his children, even if he had six daughters and only one son.

We knew that we were his world, by all the attention he always gave to us. He didn't have an education so therefore he worked at anything that help make end meet. I know for a fact that my brother occupied a chunk of his heart, only because he was his only son. We all know how men are about their sons, don't we. I moved to California, so I only saw my dad at vacation times, but I was kept updated of his declining health and each hospital visits. The hospital roller coaster ride got more frequent and debilitating to my father. Every time he got deathly sick, I would pray and cry my eyes out, because my dad was the only man that I knew loved me without a doubt. I cried so much over the years until I just plainly cried out. I got a phone call to come home becaus dad was low sick. My sister and I packed up our kids and headed home. we made it home July 5th andj dad was home from the hospital until the 13th and then he was back in the hospital.

we visited him every day, but the church Anniversary was Sunday, so we told dad we would be there early Monday morning, which was the morning of his death. We got a call from the hospital early Monday that my dad died laughing. I had thanked God that now he had no more heartache or pain. I couldn't cry because I was all cried out from the years before but part of me was kind of relieved for my dad because he didn't have to suffer anymore. Since I'm the eldest of the children, I had to be strong for everyone else, including my dear mom. When you lose a loved one that's so close to you, that loved one takes part of you with them.

In my grief I remember someone saying that dad died laughing and I told mom that he would have a smile on is face. We all prepared for my dad's home going, and some of the relatives that went to the wake; came back and told my mom that dad had a smile on his face. The smile on his face was kind of a comforting revelation for us. None of us went to the wake because we didn't want to see him that way but once, because it was to painful for us to endure.

My dad died nine days before his 60th birthday and he was buried exactly two day before his birthday, . It was kind of odd, but my mom made the statement that he was born in July and died in July. All this knowledge was so painful and sorrowful to us, but my eyes refuse to cry tears of sorrow. When I saw my dad lying there, looking so handsome and peaceful with his beautiful snow white hair it made me thank God that he was no longer suffering in that fragile and diseased body. I envision my dad's immortal spirit set free to roam the universe. when you love someone as much as I loved my dad, you have to except the inevitable and release them because you love them.

2nd face of death:

On may 11 2005, my one and only brother passed away at 49 years old he would have had a birthday June 4th but he didn't make it to see it. I loved my brother dearly, he was the only son my mom and dad had together. My brother at one time lived with me in Ohio, he finished high school and went to the service for three years. He had hypertention and didn't know it, and it caused him to lose the use of his kidneys. For 14 years before his death he did dialysis every three days. That wasn't a good quality of life for my brother, he was married a while and was blessed with five children and 13 grand children.

He would always say, I'm not going to live long, I really didn't want to hear this coming from someone that I loved. Many times I tried to dismiss the thought of losing my brother, but the thought never completely went away. My brother lived his life in and out of the hospital, which really just broke my heart because there wasn't anything I could do but I continued to keep him in my prayers. He was plague with hypoglycemia and other problems because of poor circulations in his legs. My brother contracted ganeous green in his leg and had to get an amputation, he was already in so much pain and once he got his leg remove the pain was really unbearable.

To stand by and witness a loved one suffering with so much pain, it's like a continual piercing in your heart. Your hands are tied and you can't do anything but continue to pray for God to lift the pain. All the medication that my brother was taking obliterated his liver and he died, but no one had signed a do not recesitate form, so the doctors brought him back into a body that was bleeding out in every opening of his body. My heart was hurting so bad for him that I couldn't do anything, and I could stay and watch my brother literally bleeding to death; so I took the coward way out, I left the hospital.

I told my brother how much I love him and left because, if I had stayed I would have brought everyone else down into the hell that I was going through. My brother struggle to stay alive five more days before he went to join my dad, I had already prepare his obituary, it was a very hard task but I did it because I didn't want my mom or sibling to have to do it. Yet again, I have looked death in the face for a second time. Things had calmed down, I thanked God and prayed for everyone that was still hurting badly. On the day of my brother ceremony the armed forces were there to carry out a military ceremony, it was a beautiful service. We were thankful to God that our brother was no longer in pain, even though he wasn't with us anymore, but that was okay.

When it came time for me to see my brothers body for the last time, I stood there and looked at him and I was amazed at how death had erased all the hurt, pain and misery he suffer from.His face he looked at least 20 years younger, just as he did 20 years ago. It was if his body had become purified by the touch of death and he was so handsome and beautiful to look at, in fact my brother didn't look dead at all, he just looked as though he was in a peaceful sleep. After looking into the face of death twice, I have excepted the outcome and let go of my loved ones. I'm okay with knowing that they are free from pain and both my dad and my brother are joined with the breath of our almigty God of the universe.

Benny Faye Douglass