My path to Holiness

For as long as I can remember, as far back as I can remember, there has been shame in my life. I didn't create it at first. It came from the sins of others. But later in life, I created enough of my own shame to last a thousand life times. People in my past did horrible things. I did horrible things. But that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing to give someone out there hope. To tell someone that our innocence can be restored. Our shame can be healed. And our life made new and we can even partake in the holiness of Jesus, and therefore ourselves be holy, because of the Lord. I can't begin to tell someone who doesn't know, How heart wrenching it is to be haunted by a life of shame. Mary Magdalene knew it well. And so did I. It's the feeling that you are never clean, the feeling that you have this cloud over you raining disgusting filthiness on you daily. You wash and you wash, and it just won't leave. You do your very best to pretend that your okay. To pretend that your like everyone else, to pretend that your fine with how you look and how you act and how you talk and how you eat. But inside, inside I was dying. Inside I felt ugly and fat and disgusting. Inside I felt like pure trash. I was the farthest thing from holy. People in the apostolic churches, women that is, wear dresses all the time. I thought it was silly, I thought it was ridiculous. I was angry about it to be quite honest. I didn't understand how it made any difference what I was wearing. It wasn't like I was dressing to flash people or show myself off. If anything, for me, it was exactly the opposite. I made myself as unattractive as possible. I made myself in many ways manly. Even thought I wasn't a lesbian, in many ways I wanted to be a man. I thought men wouldn't get hurt like a women would. Like a child would. Like I got hurt. I was tough and I knew I could handle anything anyone threw at me. But inside the smallest things brought tremendous pain. If a guy stared at me instead of batting my eyes, I would angrily ask what he was looking at. I was not, and still am not comfortable with a man looking at me. I don't like it. I'm getting better about it, but I don't like it. No, I did not want a mans attention. Yet in many ways I sought love through other very unhealthy spiritual killing things. Which caused more and more horrible shame. I lived my life hiding from who I really was. I lived my life with no identity. I lived my life alone and hurting. It took 10 years for the Lord, with the help of my wonderful church and amazing pastor, to get me to the point that I could wear a dress at an apostolic church and not feel like a total sell out. It took them all that many years to make me realize that I needed to Praise the Lord. It took the Lord pushing me to the point that I would end up either in the psych ward, prison, or dead from self inflicted wounds, to make me realize that it was time to stop hiding. It was time to climb out of the shell. I had been watching another apostolic church on the internet for a couple of months. I finally decided I would put on a dress and go. And you know what, I liked it. I went to mcdonalds after church and these guys were fighting over who was going to loan me a cigarette. Ok, I know that's horrible and I feel horrible even writing it. I am convicted, trust me. But, it was amazing to me that guys had actually been interested in me. I was like, wow. Now, let me tell you I am not looking for a man. That is the farthest thing from my mind at this point. I need to focus on Jesus. I need to focus on praising and worshiping the Lord. I do not want nor do I need a man in my life at this point. That is not my purpose as of now. My purpose as of now is to continue getting right with God. Ok, so, point is, I felt like a woman. And you know what? I liked it. I went to the church again wednesday night, and I got seriously touched by the Lord. I felt like my shame just melted away. I felt like all that garbage from my past was gone. I felt clean. I felt innocent. I felt, dare I say it? Holy. I felt Holy. I have never in my entire life felt holy, up until that point. And I have to say, now that I feel Holy, I really really like wearing dresses. I like looking like a woman. I like feeling like a woman. I like feeling just a tad bit vulnerable. It's the most amazing feeling if you have never allowed yourself to feel truly vulnerable, to feel that way. I just can't describe how it makes you feel. Last night I got touched by the Lord again. I am amazed. I went to work today, in my right mind, and I really worked hard. I really gave it 100 %. I can honestly say I haven't done that since around 2003. I am so thankful to Jesus. Sorrow may last for the night. But joy comes in the morning. He has taken my shame. I am so thankful.