Julie Be Still

It has been a minute since my last words were typed out here on Hubpages. Things sure change rapidly when the moment is taken to stop. Observe. Look back. Wonder the what if's. Really have not the time for that these days. Time has approached to where the past needs to be over. Something is looming in front of me. Trying to reach it. I am not there yet. Perhaps if I spoke it out in words, maybe what is believed is happening, will engulf me. Heaven knows a change needs to happen.

With that said, through my years, it has been pushed not only upon me but me upon it, to fake it until I made it. Trust me, that nonsense has no place or space in anyone's life. As faking it, is nothing shy of a lie. Why live in a lie in hopes you will find eternal anything? Rather it is with a cup of coffee, cookie, or God Himself. That line is a true testament of how to lie to yourself. Proof of it is the one typing as you read this.

There has ALWAYS been something missing from my life. Yes, awareness of what it is is not in question. All I have ever wanted was to be fully loved without abusive pain. Someplace in my life, someone has always stabbed me. Took advantage of me. Ran me over. Took me away to a horrible place of torture. Grossly played on my emotions. Bullied me. And in return, I learn to give it right back when it was brought forth as my only way of knowing how to defend myself. There was no being born this way. It was taught to me. Yet all I ever wanted from a young age into today was untainted love.

Life is not always that simple. But why can it not be if you dream it into existence?

Half the problems that are stepped into like a huge pile of unseen dog poop, is from not being still. From moving to fast to get to the happy center of the lollipop we call life. Like, everyone else is happy, right? No. Not fully. That is a wishful expectation for me. Therefore, when all the happy, smiling people walk by, immediately my dream of what I want, that untainted love, is further out of reach. Once again, I reach into someone else's barrel and run on their personality desires.

My Sister has this belief that there is a group of people on earth who are incapable of having their own personalities. They have to borrow from others to find a shred of happiness. There is no doubt in this old writer's brain, she is and has been onto something. But is that me? To some degree, yes. To another degree, absolutely not.

You see, the ex-husband met me when I was 15 years old. He was 21. (Hush now! I know right from wrong!) From the very beginning, he knew what was wanted in a girl. Which is all I was. A little girl, with a little girl's mindset. Whereas he was already in the Navy. Thinking for himself. Making decisions. I was still in a home where the adults decided what was best for me. What I needed to be doing, how to dress, how to speak, and the list is forever. The point, I was a little girl. Adult supervision was still needed but not from a boyfriend. Who quickly taught to think as he wanted. With his dreams. Then one day, I grew up. It took a long time and when my wants were different than his, madness grew in the home. As did learning how to walk on eggshells to avoid his wrath for being different, who was always blamed on someone I may have been talking to, instead of seeing that I was my own individual. And trust me, the day I used those words, when I was a mere 19 years old with 3 babies, he used it against me the entire marriage. ("Why you want to do that for? Because you are an individual?") Doing it his way, created fewer issues on me. Then at 45, I walked out. It was not the first time. Actually, it was the fifth and last. I had finally found my backbone. It was a disaster getting away but freedom came. Sadly, at a cost.

Yes, there is a reason all that was brought up. Not to bash the ex, but to show a child's mind is always a child's mind. "Find them young and sculpt them" will forever ring in my ears, as he was right. The purpose of this is to show how brainwashing someone can truly take place. Even if they fight against it. Now the day came where being on my own showed up. The grass was immediately greener for me but the decision making was nothing but hell on earth. Breaking free of that one mental abuse, still riddles me to this day. Making a decision and sticking to it, is easy for someone who has not been through the mess I have in a 31-year relationship.

This is not new news for some. What is going to be new news, is that I am going to finally reach out to what is seen in front. A road. Paved with all that my heart has desired but sadly, I follow someone else's personality track, then change my course, and find me unhappy again. Worse, making decisions that are not mine. All because it was taught others happiness was always before mine.

Now here I am. Time to let go of that old way. Learn me someone new methods. Yet, how does one go about this?!!

After leaving the marriage, the ex began to see someone else. We were actually, for the first time ever, beginning to have decent conversations. I was truly happy for him and that he was moving on to be with someone other than me. Even after I found out who it was. But then, the way I was taught to behave, in ugliness, reared up. Backlashing and bullying became my tactic. For the first time, I expected him to think as me. Same with her. It's all that was known. What it truly was, was abuse from me. No finger-pointing, except back to yours truly.

Like him, he apologized for what we did to one another. My apologies will fall on deaf ears but that is fine, as some truths have been washed over as Julie lies. Why this has road me this long, is beyond me. It is time this is resolved within me. It is not that I have not moved on. Trust me on this one, if nothing else is known, I may miss things that were good when the times were right, but on my own growing up is where I should have been a long time ago. This does not mean there was no love. It means there was too much toxic neither of us were aware of. This is why black-mailing with proof of what was happening between us during and after the break up, was my goal. Evil doings.

How can I remotely make a decision if I am still looking at how I was brought up? Which is sadly how the marriage was: Raising me. It can not happen until this move is made. The move where Julie Be Still has to come into action.

Being still before deciding, undeciding, leaning on someone, or falling short of my own self-expectations, is how I want my forever to be. I want to find me in the rubble that has covered me up an entire lifetime. Am not looking for anyone but God to help me uncover myself. Not looking for advice except what can be found in inspirational books. With writing always being my outlet, it is also time where things in my life are narrowed down to only a few things. Time to throw out some plates.

Time for Julie Be Still ...