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Lulawissie: Secrets Unearthed?

Updated on August 24, 2010
Mugs available for purchase. Contact banks.del@gmail.com
Mugs available for purchase. Contact banks.del@gmail.com

Secrets Unearthed in Lulawissie

On the way to work this morning I was admiring the full moon hanging low over the lake and I watched it as I drove, peeking in and out of the pine trees. I felt that it deserved a mention in my articles, as I was spending the time contemplating my next entry as I travelled to work.

I received a comment today on my writings here in Lulawissie, that my articles had become boring, as not much has been happening with the characters. Well, I have an obligation to my townsfolk peers that I would use discretion in telling the media about what really goes on in this town. It has become apparent that there is a lot of drinking going on here, and the members of the “Benevolent Society” spend a considerable amount of time at that club just outside the city limits. One could only imagine what goes on out there, and without giving out too much information perhaps it could be likened to ZZ Top’s “La Grange”. Enough said.

It seems that every town has its share of gossips and rumor spreaders, and Lulawissie is no different. On our Main Street we have several small businesses which include Murphy’s Hardware, The Rexall Drug Store, a couple of clothing stores, a toy store and Fahy’s Pub. Apparently one day close to Christmas time last year, the toy store was having a big sale, as were the clothing stores. Murphy’s Hardware was no different, and the street was consequently packed. There were few parking spaces available. When Peter Murphy arrived back to his store from a delivery early one morning, he had no choice but to park his pickup in front of Fahy’s Pub across the street and down a ways. Pete left his truck there all day until the close of business. After work, he went into Fahy’s and had a quick beer before going home. Upon leaving the pub, Pete tripped over a roller skate that belonged to one of Patrick Fahy’s kids.

Now we all know that Vernie Bacon can talk, and she is 10 years divorced because of that fact. She will debate you on anything, and will be the first to spread any juicy gossip, whether she heard it or just made it up. When she noticed after several trips down Main Street that Pete Murphy’s truck had been in front of the bar all day, she automatically assumed that he was a raging alcoholic and quickly spread the word around town, especially since she saw him leave the bar at about 6:15 pm, “stumbling drunk”. Soon Pete was the target of the Ladies Temperance Guild, and was subject to regular visitations by the Reverend Gault, even though he was a Catholic.

When Peter got wind of the source of the rumor, he was incensed, but Pete has always been known for being level headed and calm in a tense situation. The following Friday night after he closed the hardware store, he drove to Vernie Bacon’s house, and parked his truck in front of her house and walked home. The truck remained there the rest of the night, until he picked it up the next morning. The gossip stopped soon afterwards.

Now it has come to light that Pat Fahy’s barmaid and manager bore a striking resemblance to the Reverend Mother Veronica from out at the Abbey. It was speculated long ago that she was moonlighting at Fahy’s, when in reality, she only dressed in regular civilian clothes to wait for Father Mike to finish drinking so she could drive him back to the rectory. Her position as a bartender came about quite suddenly when Pat Fahy was in a pinch with a large group of out of towners that came in for the Table Tennis Tournament a few years back. His regular bartender slipped on some ice and suffered a concussion, and Mother Veronica, not wanting to see Patrick lose business, offered to help. She grabbed a Fahy’s Pub tee-shirt and stepped behind the bar and began mixing drinks like she had been doing it all her life. Fahy looked at her in disbelief and her only response was “don’t ask!” She earned nearly $500 in tips that night, partially due to her buxom figure and the undersized Fahy tee-shirt that she had on. Squirting herself in the chest with seltzer a couple of times probably helped a little. Fahy was equally surprised to learn that nuns don’t wear bras. The success that Mother Veronica had working in the bar was too much to pass up, and when someone asked her about it, she was really “Ronnie”, Veronica’s twin sister from Paducah. Nobody ever really recalls seeing Ronnie and Veronica together, except Vernie Bacon. She had lunch with them.

But the plot thickens; according to a resident novice named Monica, Veronica and Father Mike never made it back to the rectory on one of the trips back to the Abbey, until very early one morning, about sun up. The Reverend Mother was still dressed as Ronnie from the bar, but was disheveled looking with her hair down and unkempt. The novice swears on the Apocrypha that she could see panties hanging out of Veronica’s handbag, and that Father Mike was smoking a cigar. She also confided to one of the nuns that she had seen The Reverend Mother making late night trips to the rectory almost every night since then.

No one knows what has become of the young novice. Some say that she has been in silent seclusion for quite a while, while others claim that she quit the Abbey and returned home to Virginia to work as an intern in Washington D.C. We’ll never know.

Discretion be damned!

Well, that’s enough. I am tempted to go down to Fahy’s and have a drink, talk a little treason with my buddies and see if Ronnie will let me play with the seltzer bottle.

Have a great evening. I have a feeling I will.

The entire contents of this writing, and all writings previous to this one, including the name “Lulawissie”, is the original work of Delbert Banks and are protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America. © 2010 By Delbert Banks.

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    • badegg profile imageAUTHOR

      Del Banks 

      6 years ago from Southern Appalachians

      Thank you, KT. I am really glad that you are enjoying my work.

    • KT Banks profile image

      KT Banks 

      6 years ago from Texas

      Well, that certainly was interesting, and funny - voted UP too. and you obviously have a gift for writing and story telling. I look forward to reading more, as time permits. I've already given away my day today, to my Mom and sister, so I better go get ready. It's hard to walk away from the keyboard when I'm in the mood to write, and when I've found some good reading material. : )

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