No Magic Circle

Gosh I am tired of being tired! Have you ever said or thought that? I am tired of “feeling” purposeless. I am tired of “feeling” like what I am doing actually has no value or purpose. Here is the question that haunts me. Am I really doing what God wants – or – am I doing what “I” want? Is it You Lord that really wants me to spend all my time writing, drawing, and reading? Or…is it just me?

It seems, sometimes, all I do has no purpose. That it is really never going to go anywhere. I can feel the “this is useless” feeling coming on. Why am I doing what I am doing? Am I doing it for the value it gives me, the credibility? Am I doing it so people will look at me – Ulrike Grace – and “I” will finally feel I have some worth?  

I know that sometimes I do feel this way and then…boy do I feel “guilty” for being selfish. Because I “know” my worth should come from Jesus. He died for me! Not just for the world, not just for everyone else but for me – and for my daughter, son and husband!

So…do I truly believe in this worth? Do I truly believe that Jesus died specifically for us? I know I “should” feel value from this and some days I do. So as I was ruminating on these thoughts this is the journey I took with the Holy Spirit into a deeper understanding of God’s value in me. I invite you to come along.

This is not a new thought. Observe the deaths of all the boys’ two year olds and under when Jesus was around two years old. They had done nothing wrong. Bad things happen to decent people and it still does! What is more is God knows about it. Jesus still died for those babies – for those innocents – for those caught in the intrigues of men’s devious plans! This ugly truth flies in the face of the ‘pie in the sky’ religion. Sin Happens! And worse, people who don’t deserve it get caught in the middle.

Here is a thought that stopped me in my tracks. God does not have a magic circle around His children! However…He does promise to live in my heart and soul. He promises to be with me through the hard things. He will go through the mud with me! He does not hold Himself aloof because He is too holy to be associated with the mud that has been flung at me.

No magic circle but He does promise a Holy infilling!

Okay, that truly lifts my heart. Everyone, including myself, goes through stuff. What happens is I tend to gauge ‘stuff.’ I start thinking “oh that does not count as trouble because it is not this or that” but that is not real. Everybody’s trouble hurts. Just because I did not lose a two year old boy to the sword of a ruthless soldier does not make my particular pain any less! Everyone has pain and everyone has joy. God is in it all with me. He will strengthen and encourage me through it – if I will let Him!

There is the kicker. He is there – regardless of my thought or belief because He is not ruled by my feeling or belief. He is moved by who He is and what He has promised. He said – I will never leave you nor forsake you (Matthew 28:20; Joshua 1:5)then He will never leave me nor forsake me. He has been with me in spite of me! He has not left me in “that” moment of faithlessness because… opps…she doesn’t believe right now! Her faith, her belief has slipped below the acceptable level! God is always there. And yes, sadly, at times He is grieved by both my behaviour and the behaviour of others towards me. But God has never left me. He has moved on my behalf, even when I was completely unaware of His workings.

God has ALWAYS felt and known my value, or He would have never created me! From the very moment I was created – from the very moment my daughter, my son, my husband, my grandchildren were created – His eye was on us. His presence is us whether we are aware of it or not. God is not with us as some sort of police – a KGB type thing – but as a loving Father out for our good. He intends and purposes to do us good (Jeremiah 32: 40-41) not to “catch” us at evil. He knows we have sin in our souls – yet He loves us. I don’t have to hide my sin. I don’t have to try and prove my worth for His attention.

Just the fact that God created me gives me worth. If God – creator of the universe– deemed it necessary that I be created then it was just that, necessary. It was not because some sperm, by chance, managed to invade an egg! God decides when and where and to whom.

God has purpose and His purpose is eternal. Nothing about God is temporary. He is eternal. In fact eternity is in Him. God always was and He always will be. I may not understand but that does not invalidate the truth. The truth is still the truth regardless of my understanding of it. Just because I do not understand the purpose God has in the now of my life or in the now of other people’s lives – does not invalidate or take away the purpose God has! His purpose will be accomplished.

God’s purpose is not dependent on “man” because He knows the weakness of our souls and hearts (John 2:25). So…God depends on Himself alone and He pours out that assurance on me.

My value is in His assurance.

My value is in His purpose for me.

My value is in the fact that He did create me.

My value is in the fact that He has drawn me to Him.

My value is in the fact that He has purpose for me or I would not be here!

God does not do wasted things. God is a purposeful God. Therefore my value is not in my purpose…but in that God created me.

God created my daughter – I did not.

God created my son – I did not.

I am not the product of my parents making!

We are all a product of God’s making and infinitely valuable.

Upon fully realizing this important aspect of my existence I should not be so quick to want to change another to suit myself. The person I am looking to change IS also a product of God’s making. I need to think twice before I “meddle” in God’s creation.

Think of it this way. If I were painting a picture I would not appreciate it if someone else came along and decided to change it because it did not suit them! If I protect the product of my creation – how much more does God.

I am God’s creation.

God is and has always been with me.

He chose to reveal Himself to me.

He opened my understanding and my heart so that He could come and abide within me – knowing full well the mess that is my heart. God is not surprised nor put off or intimidated by the mess, still He revealed His desire to live with Him. His presence alone changed my heart. My mess was all there when He fully moved in. He didn’t just move into the company acceptable parlour – He moved into the whole house because God does not do anything halfway. God completes every work He starts. He knows what is behind every door, under every bed.  He knows my sin and He still said, “Yes… I want to abide with you – please invite me.” God see’s the value in me beyond my mess.