Nonetheless, I became "Nun the less."
I'm pretty sure that if you're a devoted RC, you will disagree. Remember, I was once a nun and I was the one who saw my life's transition.
When I was in high school, my teachers and classmates found out how behaved I was because I don't talk much that's why I received the 'most behave' reward in our class twice.
I don't make friends, I don't care about my grades, I don't care if my classmates were receiving medals and having fun studying. I just wanted to go home and be weird because I thought it was the real me though It really confused me.
I recall, when a teacher in literature class asked me about my ambition and goals in life; I just couldn't answer her right away because I felt too empty to say anything.
In February 1999, there were group of nuns from different congregations who came before our graduation with their posters. I was convinced after checking it out without any doubt so I ran back home and begged my mom to let me go with them. I knew she felt sad when I decided to leave them without thinking going to college first and even my older brother discouraged me not to go but I was really excited to see myself in a nun outfit.
My mom actually tried to serve a Dominican Congregation when she was in high school and she also desired to follow the nun she befriended with but she left for a new journey. When I heard it from her, I felt more rapt that made me wrote the congregation to fetch me anyway then I immediately packed my things.
While traveling with the nuns and with this girl of my age from other city who were also fetched that day, we had a surprise serenade from a group of young crew boys when we reached our own cabin. This guy who was holding a guitar came close to where I stood and asked me why I decided to become a nun? I replied, "why the question sir?" and said that he actually liked me and it was like love at first sight. I laughed and told him to go away because no one can stop me.
At last we arrived. I saw my foot stepped out the passenger ship with my bag and I was expecting a feeling of joy yet my shoulder suddenly dropped and I didn't knew why.
It was a huge congregation, mostly beautiful faces, nice place, nice beds, clean clothes and good food but I still felt heavy like there was two huge stones placed above my shoulders that made me so unwell though I was not homesick or feeling lonely. The nuns asked what happened because they knew I was really excited to be there.
My joy really left me. I wondered why.
Again, I woke up early in the morning with other young novitiate candidates to pray with the nuns who has been there for a long time. (I don't want to give more details about this congregation)
I didn't feel giving up at all. I only felt something inside me that I couldn't explain and I'm getting weaker everyday and getting lazy in following their rules. I looked for a Bible to seek comfort yet I can't find any just some prayer booklets and at night the older nuns kept on scaring us about a ghost who lives upstairs that made me question their faith. I said, " I thought God lives here with us."
I'm a very observant person. I noticed that when they prayed with the beads, they fell asleep on their seats. Some yawned 'cause of boredom and some just wanted to finish the long prayer as soon as possible through standing to get something then never returned.
All of a sudden, there was these white flashes happened right in front of my eyes like a prompter. I saw my parents and sibling's faces one by one. I screamed so loud because it was too unusual to believe and understand.
They all asked me what happened yet I had no other word but 'home' that's why the congregation made a final decision.
Since I can't find a bible, I just closed my eyes and talk to God though my mind and tongue couldn't focus in Jesus because His name was only mentioned once and it was all Mary that is full of grace; seemed Jesus was not really there.
While everyone in the room were quietly sleeping, I begged God for mercy to show me the right path and to show me the light then something happened the next day.
It was December and I marked the calendar. I asked the nuns to release me before Christmas because I don't wanted to stay longer there and because I felt so sick but they only teased me---telling me that I only missed my family or longed to have a boyfriend.
Of course not but I really waited for their serious answer. A day called 'Confession' came yet still waiting. All of us in the congregation will have to confess our hidden sins to a priest who were prepared to meet us inside a close room. I found it really awkward yet I grabbed the chance and asked help instead of confessing my sins. I said, "Father... my confession is this, I want to leave this place! please help me get my ticket." Well, no help as expected.
I ran to the washroom crying and threw everyone's clothes on the floor, their bath soaps, shampoo bottles and towels. I screamed there like a prisoner. The older nun (local mother superior) got mad at me and even called me a 'ipokrita' or a hypocritical and to tell you the truth? honestly, I googled it just now: The other word for this is a decoy or a pretender. She was right, because the true God placed me there to observe and see the truth.
Because of what happened, the Italian mother superior came down to see me and gave me a one way ticket. I was so happy because I felt like someone was waiting for me out there but I don't have a boyfriend and my family were not the first reason why I wanted to come back though I also wanted to see them again.
The day before I was finally home, I've met a young preacher. He told me about salvation and God's purpose in my life. Sadly, I could not remember because I was still on process and I believed that day was the first day of my walk with Jesus. He definitely answered my prayer because He saw my desire to find Him in my life.
My Journey continues on my next Hub. Thank you