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Overwhelmed By Hate
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to love, and a time to hate- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
To hate means to detest, abhor, execrate, abominate, loathe, scorn, despise, to have an aversion toward, dislike intensely, shudder at, not care for, sicken at, have enough of or be repelled by. For most of us humans who have suffered some kind of injustice, grave hurt or betrayal, this emotion is more than to dislike or be unhappy about someone or something.
I know hate, as it knows me. It is a very vicious adversary that has robbed me of precious personal peace and joy. That's what it does well and believe me, i wish it on no one. Which is why i pray never to cause those i love unnecessary hurt, and that i walk this earth as God's instrument of peace, wherever life takes me. But, hate is like a determined enemy. It lives right where you are, waiting for that moment of weakness, to take over your being, ready to kill, steal and destroy. I was feeling very confident, thinking it had walked out of my life. But that was so naive.
Almost everyday, he taunted me to tears. He said horrible things to put me down and make me insecure about myself. I kept a diary and i remember writing the words "I hate him! I hate him! I wish he were dead!". I was distraught and felt so helpless. At that young age, i didn't know how to process my emotions. I couldn't fathom why i was being hated. I begun hating my hater, which made matters worse, rather than better. I tried to share my pain with those i thought could help me, but it was in vain. I was so unhappy, and for a long time i struggled with insecurity and self doubt. I tried distancing myself from my tormentor and learned to be 'deaf' in his presence. Eventually, like a miracle of an answered prayer, we would be separated to my relief. Time knows how to heal, and i would find mine with the help of Godsent friends and mentors. Through them, I gained self confidence, as they loved on me, and recognized my value and giftings. I came out of my shell to discover my true worth, and my nightmare would fade, to be a thing of the past.
When my daughter was betrayed by the man she loved and trusted, i was not just hurt nor angry. Seeing the child you bore and nurture into a beautiful person be trampled by 'strangers' who masqueraded as good people, made me see murder. If i had a weapon at that time, i knew i would have used it. For the life of me, i just could not comprehend that our family had become victims of a person we thought we knew and embraced. To make matters worst, blame was placed on us to cover up the truth about our offenders true character. Hatred had overtaken my soul so badly, i didn't think i would ever recover. I watched my child fall apart and almost self destruct. There was more hate coming from where i knew not. We drew from our faith, and asked for greater grace to abound. With the help of Godly counsel, and with family love surrounding us, we would rise from the ashes. I knew love had to walk into our hearts if we were to recover. In time, we would come to understand who our real enemy was, find forgiveness and unconditional compassion for those who knew not what they do. Isn't that what the Lord had to do?
I have had more than my share of angst in this life to already wisen and to act like the mature woman that i am. I take great pride in my disciplines, of being able to guard my feelings. I thought i was doing quite well. I'm this cool lady who smiles a lot and hardly shows her displeasure. That is, till recently when i lost it, and had an unexpected meltdown. Over a quiet meal with a handful for company, i had a surprise. Out of nowhere, feelings of hatred for the people who have been unkind to me re-emerged. Hate! Hate! Hate! That horrible tenacious beast that takes over your very being got me again! You see, it has been years since i lost everything. I had been widowed and instead of getting sympathy, i was cast out like a useless piece of rag by the very people i thought cared. I was lied to, and left to grieve on my own. No one bothered to find out how i was, and as if it weren't enough, i would be maligned and gossipped about all over town. The mere mention of a name, a word said, had triggered a deluge of strong feelings that welled like a tsunami from deep inside my soul. I angrily, spewed hateful words to my audience's freak. It was sad, to rave and rant like a maniac. I felt like the devil myself. Thanks to my sensitive and understanding husband, i would find calm, But, why? Why do i succumb still? Am i so weak?
I am determined to walk in love and humility, which is the blessed path. I know what God's word says, that we "need to love our enemies, bless those that curse us, do good to them that hate us, and pray for them who despitefully use us, and persecute us"- Matthew 5:43-4. He didn't say it was going to be easy, and really, it isn't. Neither did He say, it was going to be impossible. But, it seems like that many times. And there's more. "But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked". Luke 6:35
"Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law"-Romans 13:10
Oh God! Let me have victory in this area of my life. let me be like You, who hate sin, but not the sinner.