Redeemed & Restored: A Work Only God Can Do
It was positive. I was pregnant ... the emotions that went along with knowing I was pregnant were unfathomable. I wasn't ready to be a mother and the father ... Well, let's just say ...neither was he. The pregnancy was a result of what some would call a date rape. Sadly, my self-esteem was so low I didn't see it as an assault although I did say "No." I guess my "No." meant "Yes" to him. Strange, isn't it?
I was terrified. Who could I go to for help? I couldn't tell my parents. I didn't know the Lord at that time so I found no comfort there. I only told one person aside from the father. The friend I told didn't know how to help me but she didn't judge me when I told her my decision to abort.
I walked into the clinic alone. I was nineteen years old and having an abortion. . There were others there ...some of them with the men who were aborting along with them and others who were alone like me. We were young and old, thin and overweight, we were all very much alike and yet very different. We all believed that we were making the right choice although our reasons varied. One couple said, "We don't want any more children." Another woman, "I can't afford a baby I'm in school." and yet another said, "My parents would kill me if they found out I was pregnant." As I said, we all had our reasons.
Once we were checked in, they took us into a room separate from the lobby area and told us about the procedure. It was a lot of information some of which I couldn't begin to understand but the end result would be I would no longer be pregnant. I shut myself down emotionally and convinced myself that after-all it wasn't a baby ... it was a fetus. I was almost ten weeks along.
I watched as they led woman after woman to the back. Each one coming back looking pale and sick. It didn't change my resolve to do what I had come to do.
My turn came, I walked into the room ... they laid me on a cold chair, like you would see in a gynecologists office, and covered my lower half with a sheet. The procedure took less than 30 minutes. I was no longer pregnant. The physical discomfort I felt would pass and this experience would soon fade in my memory. I was free and I thought I had done the right thing. Yet, you and I know that the word says in Psalm 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death." Something died that day ... not just my baby but a part of me as well.
As time passed, I married and came into a relationship with the Lord. I was attending church and one day, someone showed me a picture of an aborted baby which was part of a promotional campaign against abortion. I took one look at that picture and burst into tears. Revelation hit me like a tidal wave, I had murdered my baby.
The painful repercussions of my choice manifested in my life in ways I couldn't have begun to fathom ... Every emotion possible hit me all at the same time ... I felt a sense of loss, guilt, remorse, fear, hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment and it was directed at not only myself but the abortionist, the father, my parents,.. you guessed it ... the entire world was at fault.
I did the only thing I could do ... I cried out to the Living God to help and heal me. I cried out in repentance and asked Him to forgive me for the decision that I made that day. I asked Him to help me forgive myself and everyone that I held captive with my hurt. I released and I forgave. It took some time but He did the work that only He can do and healed my wounded heart. I forgave and I was forgiven.
As a part of my healing process, I wrote a letter to my child. My love for the child that I never had grew and my heart ached for that which I had thrown away. The letter helped me to express all that I was feeling. It helped me to heal and move forward.
It was during the summer of 1995, my father was dying of AIDs and I had been called home to say goodbye. The next morning after my arrival, we got a call that my grandmother had died unexpectedly. It wasn't but a few days later that we were burying my father. Two funerals in less than a week. As you can imagine, I wasn't feeling very well but I thought it was just the emotional upheaval ... it wasn't. I was pregnant.
We had been praying and believing God for a baby for almost 5 years. We were overjoyed. But, I was very sick and about the 15th week started to spot. It was more than I could handle and so I turned to my God to soothe my heart and body.
On the day I lost my baby boy I had chosen to stay home from work to spend time with the Lord. I drew near to Him in prayer and I heard a still small voice whisper, "Be still and know that I am God." A peace that surpasses all understanding encompassed me as I listened to His voice and as I listened, my baby left my womb ...He was with me.
The paramedics arrived and rushed me to the hospital. I was hemorrhaging and the bleeding wouldn't stop. As I lay there, a nurse came over and held my hand. She whispered that all would be well and as I looked into her eyes.. mine filled with tears and we both cried. I never saw her again but I know in my heart that God sent her to me.
I heard the words, "We are going to have to remove her uterus." I cried out to God. God's people were interceding on my behalf and He would answer us. God intervened. My mother-in-law was working for a nationally renowned women's specialist and as they rolled me into surgery to remove my only hope of having another child, this man called and told them to stop. They were not to remove my uterus unless I was dying. He ordered them to save my hope. Only God could have moved on my behalf in such a way. I lived and continued to believe God.
Two years later, during a prayer/praise session, the Lord spoke that I was like Hannah and that God had opened my womb. I would know that I was pregnant when a spirit of laughter came upon me. A few days later as I prayed with a few friends for the barren women of the church a spirit of laughter fell upon me and all those that I touched. Laughter and tears of joy overflowed as God manifested His presence. As I rose up, God said, "That is it." The next day I found I was pregnant again. God had given us our heart's desire!
God ordered my steps and made my crooked paths straight so that I could see a specialist, but not just any specialist, Dr. Joseph Randall was a born again, spirit-filled Believer who before salvation aborted babies. He was the one Doctor for me and my unborn child. He would be God's instrument of salvation for us all.
It was during my 21st week of pregnancy that they found something wrong. Dr. Randall insisted I go immediately to a specialist that he recommended. The specialist asked about my history and I told him about my miscarriage and abortion. He said, "Well, that explains it ... when you had your abortion they butchered your cervix, you have an incompetent cervix. It is one reason you miscarried and you could lose this child as well. Go home and for the next six months you are to stay in bed."
Once again I was in a place of repercussion, a place that I had created from my choice to abort. I had to forgive myself all over again. In my solitude He spoke, "You are forgiven and have no right to hold yourself hostage. I have forgiven you and cast your sins as far as the east is from the west. You have been washed in the blood and cleansed. Now walk in the freedom for which I have paid."
As I lay in the bed, I cried and prayed. I asked God to keep my baby girl... Moriah. Moriah means "God is my teacher and He will provide." It was during my time of devotion that I read Psalms 147 and He spoke to me through verse 13 which reads "He hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; He hath blessed thy children within thee." As I read this, He said "Moriah will not come before her time for I have strengthened the bars of your gates and I have blessed her within you." I knew then that Moriah would be born healthy, strong and that all of her needs would be met.
My daughter was born on September 16, 1997 ... she is my only child. She has never lacked for anything, she has always been healthy and strong because as He promised me that day ... she was blessed from the womb. She is His and He is hers. She loves the Lord. She has a personal and intimate relationship with Him, hearkening to His still small voice. She is my greatest gift from God.
Her scripture verse, Jeremiah 1:5 Amplified Bible (AMP) - 5"Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." God has blessed her with the gift of wisdom, knowledge. and prophecy. I must be cautious as her mother to not despise her because of her youth but receive the Word of the Lord through her when He speaks.
Our foundational scripture verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.." I have watched this manifest in our lives.
I have four children that I will rejoice to see in Heaven but God has blessed me with my precious daughter here on earth. I rejoice in the Lord because He has redeemed me from the pain of loss. He has forgiven me much and placed in me a heart of compassion for those who have chosen a path of death and lost much.
I praise Him because Psalm 30 has manifested in my life.
A Psalm; a Song at the Dedication of the Temple. [A Psalm] of David.
1 I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me.
3 O Lord, You have brought my life up from Sheol (the place of the dead); You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit (the grave).
4 Sing to the Lord, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
5 For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
6 As for me, in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
7 By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain; You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
8 I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication.
9 What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit (the grave)? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth and faithfulness to men?
10 Hear, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper!
11 You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
12 To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
It is my prayer and heart's cry that if you have suffered the pain of abortion that you would experience the redeeming power of God ... He is a healer of wounded hearts. He is a restorer of that which has been taken. I stand here today as a witness to His Great Love and Mercy. God is not a man that He should lie nor the Son of Man that He should repent. If He says it He will do it!
Truly, our Redeemer Lives!