Sealed and Delivered
Four years ago I was led to give my life to the Lord. It had been dark days prior to this day. My life had gotten to a point where I felt it had no meaning. Little did I know it was fear that had built up inside. It had taken root deep inside me.
For 8 years I had suffered from Anxiety attacks and if you have ever experienced this before you will know that it’s not pleasant. The anxiety was triggered by Fear. Fear of so many different things. In my case I had endured physical and emotional abuse. Although the physical scars had healed all those words took root inside me and I had started believing them. I feared I was unworthy, ugly, never going to amount to anything, no one loved me or ever would, I was a bad mother and that if I died no one would even care. Those were things that people had fed me over the years. Every time I looked into the mirror I hated what I saw. Fear had grown at an alarming rate. Anxiety was the symptom of the fear. I needed to be delivered from it and have that fear cast out.
Let me give you an idea of what my 8 years were like living with anxiety. In the beginning I wasn’t very sure how to handle what was going on as I didn’t even understand it. It felt like it had happened overnight but in all honesty it had been building over a period of time. I had developed fear of going outside my own house. Fear to drive to the supermarket.Then it got so bad that I couldn’t even walk my daughter to school which was across the road, later I didn’t even have the strength to walk to the mailbox to collect the mail. I didn’t want to see people nor have people see me. Every time I got anxious I would feel the urge to throw up.It happened every time I walked out the house or even thought about leaving the house. I eventually just felt it was easier to stay home and avoid the world outside. Then later I was having attacks at home for no reason and even woke up during the night because of an anxiety attack. I even struggled to talk to people on the phone for longer than a minute. Everything that was normal for everyone else was such a mission for me. Everything I did was in a rush as it was always to prevent the anxiety coming on. I spoke fast, walked fast. Whatever I needed to do I did fast. My life was a huge rush.It had gotten to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. My life was about making sure I didn’t throw up so how was that worth living for?
I had become so irritable, agitated, angry and resentful towards everyone. I couldn’t understand why this was all happening to me. I was jealous of everyone as they got to go out and have fun and do normal things, which wasn’t a mission at all for them. I tried in my own strength to fix myself but with no surprise I failed. I went to see my doctor who pointed out immediately that I was suffering from anxiety and mild depression and referred me to a Psychologist who I went to see. She prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication to help which I took a few times. I knew that the issue was a deep rooted issue and not a medical one therefore medication wouldn’t fix it. That’s the problem people have today, too reliant on medication than actually facing the root issue. I needed to get to the root of the problem. I had never been someone who believed in medication anyway.
In this process of trying to manage the anxiety I just got angrier and more resentful of people around me. Even my own daughter experienced this. I wanted to be normal again. Spent days crying and asking Why me? What have I done? Am I such a bad person that I had to be punished like this? Then I would sit there trying to work out what I did that was so bad that would result in such punishment. I eventually just came to terms with the fact that this was now my life. In this process the angrier I was the better I felt. The anxiety was more controlled when I was snapping at people or shouting or drinking or whatever it was that masked how I truly felt inside especially causing others pain. No one wanted to be around me because I couldn’t do the things anymore that we had all enjoyed doing together.They didn’t understand how I felt and didn’t have the time or patience to even be there. This made me even angrier. They didn’t realise I was confused and hurting inside.
I didn’t realise that over this time I had built a wall around myself to protect me from feeling pain or the rejection from others. I was always on the defence. It felt like everyone was always attacking me. When I did go out somewhere I had to plan it well in advance when I got anxious I always needed to throw up. I had to make sure I knew where I was going, who would be there and where the bathrooms where so that I could escape quickly in case of an attack.
This wasn’t the way to live a life, full of lies, anger, deception and fear. I can tell you that it’s all the devils work that. The devil is so subtle you don’t even see what he is doing when he is doing it especially if you aren’t born again as you don’t have the Holy Spirit dwelling in you which helps to discern.
I crossed paths with an old friend from school and we got chatting. He had grown into a mighty man of God and over the next year he had taken his time to Minister to me the Love of God. Of cause I had no idea Gods word was taking root inside of me. His Word was going to work. I was being taught and shown in God’s Word His love for me, and learning about who I am in Gods eyes and how I was good enough and how He had this specific plan and purpose for my life. I had a new appreciation and understanding for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and everyone else.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
What was happening while I was being ministered to daily on the Love of God? Exactly what is written in1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in LOVE; but perfect LOVE casts out all fear because fear has torment” Taking into account that GOD IS LOVE 1 John 4:16. God’s perfect love for me was busy casting out the fear that had taken root inside of me.
I gave my life to the Lord because I wanted to be part of this glorious Kingdom family and I wanted to take part in this that Jesus had done. He had given His life for me so that I could live. That’s how deep His love goes. That He would give His life for mine. That day I had my sins forgiven and I made Jesus Lord of my Life and I invited the Holy Spirit to dwell in me. The Holy Spirit went to work immediately. Romans 5:5 “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us”. God’s Word that had been planted in me over time had reaped a harvest and the fruit I bared was deliverance from Anxiety.
The Word holds the power to do everything and anything we need. Whether it be salvation, deliverance, forgiveness, love, patience, healing, prosperity. Whatever it is that you need Gods Word has it. All you need to do is feed on God’s Word daily as I did. Make it a priority to get it in your eyes and your ears. Proverbs 4:20-22 says it best “My son , attend to my words, incline thine ear unto my sayings Let them not depart from thine eyes keep them in the midst of thine heart, for they are life unto those that find them and health to all their flesh.”
If you are battling fear then meditating on God’s perfect love for you will cast out that fear. Study His love for you and get to the point where you KNOW it as truth. Nothing can ever convince you otherwise. KNOW the LOVE, BELIEVE the LOVE and RECEIVE it.
Take your eyes off your problems and put them on Jesus.
It doesn’t matter what others think of you it only matters what God thinks of you and He calls you His Child. 1 John 3:1 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.” God planned you before the creation of the earth. He had every single day of your life planned out for you.Psalm 139:16 The Message “The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one” We are never out of His sight. Psalm 139:3 The Message. We love God because HE first loved us. 1 John 4:19
Jesus paid the ultimate price for our salvation. He loves us so much. God’s love for us is proved all over the Bible.
I refuse to waste another day dwelling on the past and on the devils lies. I choose Gods Word over anything and everything. If it wasn’t for God’s love I wouldn’t be here today. If you find yourself going through the same or similar know that you will find deliverance in Jesus. You will find Deliverance in His Word. Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things (Salvation, Deliverance, healing, prosperity etc) will be added to you. Matthew 6:33
May the Love of God provide all you might ever need