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Sexy Religion,| Scientology VS Kaballah

Updated on October 12, 2009

Sexy struggles with Aliens...

or ancient wisdom in spandex...

Everybody knows that Religion is sexy. There's nothing like a man in a cassock, or some nice orange robes, or maybe even a funny hat to get me in the mood, I tell you what. Hollywood has its own set of sexy religions, and if you are experiencing a bit of a spiritual crisis, choosing a religion based on the sexiness of its members is as good a way as any to start on the path to spiritual greatness.

The two greatest Hollyreligions at the moment are Scientology and Kaballah. You should probably join one of them, or maybe both. I'll let you make your own decision, but if you're stuck, just email me and ask which religion you should join. For a small Paypal donation, I'll be happy to kick start your mindless obedience to people who tell you what to think.

Kaballah has its roots in ancient Jewish tradition. It also has the material girl as its celebrity figurehead, as well as her wife, Guy Ritchie. Kaballah comes with a bunch of cute accessories, like little red strings and things, which makes it both a spiritual and material sort of endeavor. It's followers include Demi Moore, Ashton Kucher, Britney Spears, Roseanne Barr (now THERE is a ringing endorsement huh) David and Victoria Beckham, and Elizabeth Taylor. Because it has its roots in the Torah, it would be in incredibly bad taste to mock Kaballah, and people might start to infer anti semitic leanings, and that never works out well. So lets just back gently away from Kaballah, with respectful expressions on our faces.

Scientology is the domain of Tom Cruise, and his sexy MILF wife, Katie Holmes. Other followers include Kristie Alley, Jenna Elfman, Lisa Marie Presley, Priscilla Presley, and Kelly Preston. Scientology was created by science fiction author L Ron Hubbard, and surprisingly enough is heavily influenced by the theory that Aliens are among us, or rule us, or something. I've tried paying attention to Scientology and its doctrines but I generally end up laughing so hard that I can't manage to ever grasp the whole thing at once.

The Analysis

If we're going to isolate the sexiness, we have Madonna, Demi, Britney and Roseanne versus Katie Holmes, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, and the Presley women. It's pretty obvious that there is no real contest here. Scientology is overtly fictitious, ostensibly crazy, and tends to suck people's money better than an Olympic pool full of leeches. Kabbalah on the other hand is based on thousands of years of wisdom and enlightenment, and people taking things very seriously.

At the end of the day though, Xenu gets all the chicks. Hail Xenu.

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