Spiritually Dead
"For by grace are ye saved, not by works, lest any man should boast."
I know it's good to be a Catholic and to have guidelines to follow. I have been a firm believer since a very young age; it has gotten me thru my toughest trials in life; I would not be here writing before you if it weren't for that; I would not have lived thru it.
The pain of being depressed and sad and anxious and paranoid and feeling psychotic and moody and irritable and manic, all these things felt like an emotional crucifixion to me. It was all I could do to make it thru some nights. I would feel so desperate and so miserable, wishing God would take me, begging for relief, and would prostrate myself face first on the floor, many times in the privacy of my room, praying until I felt better.
I sought consolation and I received it. But it wasn't until December 26, 2009 that I finally felt that peace. I suddenly felt an indescribable peace that washed over me like a warm ray of sunshine. I immediately wanted to be outside, in God's creation, walking around in the evening, looking up at the sky, on my cell phone with my sister telling her how wonderful I felt, how I felt like an alien on this planet, that I belonged to God in Heaven, and that I was his vessel on earth to help others and though I'd like to be with him in heaven, I was here pray and help in whichever way God planned or wanted me to.
People often wonder "What is this feeling Christians have?" or "What is this new found strength they get from believing." "Isn't what I'm doing fine? Why do I need to do this to be saved? I mean, who knows if God is real?"
It's only through suffering that I became close to God. I would never have knelt down so many times. I think many people are too strong headed or "bull headed" or haven't tasted suffering to understand that it is necessary to humble yourself and ask for help. There is no other way.
Well, whatever led me to finally accept Christ the right way, by doing it with the intention that I could not earn it, that it is a free gift.....I couldn't move ahead spiritually. I was dead in sin, I couldn't overcome, I didn't have the strength or the Holy Spirit working within me. I was stuck and stagnant and couldn't do what I wanted to do.
After I was saved, the following months, I felt an energy like never before. No, I had not changed my medicine I took in any way. And this was really unusual because I had been irritable as heck for years. I began to be motivated, and finally found a congregation, a place to fellowship, with other believers who welcomed me with open arms.
Since then, it's been over 2 years. My life has changed in such a dramatic way, that never happened at all in the 18 previous years I suffered from bipolar. Slowly everything became clearer. I began taking a medicine that cleared my mind and made me feel more alive. My confidence improved, my anxiety went way down, I began to feel free again. What else? I've overcome many personal faults. I've tackled things I never tackled before in relationships and being single and fighting codependency. I've succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. And still I'm seeking to learn and improve everyday.
Now I'm off Lithium which I was on for 18 yrs. How did it happen? How was my body suddenly not needing it? One day, I was walking in the snow for over an hour, praying to God I felt healthier and I wanted to be even more healthy.
Two hours later, I got a call from my doctor's secretary telling me to stop taking Lithium, she said my blood levels were too high for the dose I was on. How did this happen? How did my body suddenly not tolerate Lithium? About a month or two later I was off Lithium for good. It's been about a month now, I feel born again in a different way. I no longer feel anesthitzed or numbed by this horrible drug. My mind is clear! I feel motivated! I applied to a job within days! Wow! I feel like I came out of a coma!
I have faith even thought it's often tested. I believe in a lot of things and I know I'm going to get better and better. I know I'm becoming more successful everyday. I know my life has a purpose, and always has. I've been helping people with my own experiences for 2 yrs now on hubpages.
I could sense a certain person in my life was dead spiritually. I could feel it. All I can do is pray for him. We're not together anymore but I feel compelled to pray for him. I believe he will be saved because all good people, who are morally good, will be in my belief sooner or later. Hope is a very powerful thing and faith.
Some people may not even believe in God but know the power of positive thinking. It works!
So, this is my story. Yes, I'm hoping for a lot of things, and I'm no longer afraid to ask and I believe they will happen. Belief is the first step to making something happen, making your dreams come true. So start today, if you're depressed to take a moment and say a prayer or think a positive thought and I hope it changes your life like it did mine.
