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Televangelist Superstar

Updated on February 2, 2010

Televangelist Superstar

I watch the Televangelist on Sunday morning. If I want to contribute a Love Gift to his ministry, I can call a toll free number. Major credit cards, checks, and money orders are accepted. He calls me 'Friend' and I can even put my hand on the screen for a healing and forgiveness from Jesus Himself! He works for Jesus and in return, Jesus works through him. He also gets a great salary. Great job!

He has the most beautiful teeth I've ever seen on any mortal. If I were a dentist, I could only pray that he would come to me regularly for a cleaning, a filling, or a denture alignment. I would have a good salary too! We could even barter. I could get a blessing for a cleaning, a healing for a filling, and eternal life in exchange for a lifetime of soul winning smiles. I wonder who his tailor is. I'll bet next month's tithe that he doesn't own a suit like that. Maybe he can barter his services for some stuff from Jesus, a button for a blessing; I'd like to have that job.
HEEEEAAAALLLLLl!! Satan! Come out! He slaps the woman with the not so great teeth on the forehead; she falls back only to be caught by his impeccably dressed Deacons (another nice job) and is laid gently on the floor to sleep off her miracle. Did she receive the Holy Spirit, or did he knock her out? She wakes up refreshed. She's been cured of her insomnia, but she could still use a dentist.
Thanking Jesus, she jumps up and down like a game show contestant who has just won a cruise to the Virgin Islands. I wonder how much she got paid. Enough to see the dentist for a cleaning?
Cool! I'm going bald. Maybe if I put my hand on the screen and call in my bank card number, my aging follicles will re-generate and I'll wake up tomorrow morning just in time for work sporting an Afro! I called the toll free number to see if I could get a prayer. Someone answered immediately. "Jesus Loves You!" It’s nice to know that some Palestinian who died 2,000 years ago, rose from the dead, and who is still somewhere in my heart, loves me.
I was given another number to call. The prayer line had an area code in another state and I'd have to pay for the call. That’s okay, it’s cheaper than Monoxodil. After confessing that I was a sinner whose righteousness was not worth a pile of filthy rags, and after accepting that great big God into my little unworthy heart; I received my prayer. I could just begin to feel my bald spot tingling when I was asked if I would like to become a member of the Trinity Prayer Family. "What is that?" I asked.
"The Bible says that when two or more are present in The Lord's name, He is present and prayers are answered. The Trinity Prayer Family is a worldwide congregation of millions of the faithful who pray all day for the Lord to answer your prayers. You’ll receive a quarterly newsletter that contains testimonials from the saved who have received their miracle in the last ninety days, Praise the Lord, a T-shirt, the Reverend's new book, and a TGI Friday's gift certificate for two. You will also receive a 10% discount on airfare in the Reverend's private plane and accommodations in The Prayer Family Hotel during our annual Family Field Trip to the Holy Land. If you will allow us to debit $100.00 a month from your checking account, you can be a part of the God loving family of our Heavenly Father. You will also receive a gift certificate that you can use to buy Holy Water from the Jordan River, Prayer Cloths, and other souvenirs from the hotel's gift shop."
Man! What a deal! I told the girl on the phone that I would talk it over with my wife since she is the one who makes the decisions about how large our family should be and how much we spend on airfare and hotels. I thanked her and Jesus, and I went to the bathroom to shave my head.


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