ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Televangelist Superstar

Updated on February 2, 2010

Televangelist Superstar

I watch the Televangelist on Sunday morning. If I want to contribute a Love Gift to his ministry, I can call a toll free number. Major credit cards, checks, and money orders are accepted. He calls me 'Friend' and I can even put my hand on the screen for a healing and forgiveness from Jesus Himself! He works for Jesus and in return, Jesus works through him. He also gets a great salary. Great job!

He has the most beautiful teeth I've ever seen on any mortal. If I were a dentist, I could only pray that he would come to me regularly for a cleaning, a filling, or a denture alignment. I would have a good salary too! We could even barter. I could get a blessing for a cleaning, a healing for a filling, and eternal life in exchange for a lifetime of soul winning smiles. I wonder who his tailor is. I'll bet next month's tithe that he doesn't own a suit like that. Maybe he can barter his services for some stuff from Jesus, a button for a blessing; I'd like to have that job.
HEEEEAAAALLLLLl!! Satan! Come out! He slaps the woman with the not so great teeth on the forehead; she falls back only to be caught by his impeccably dressed Deacons (another nice job) and is laid gently on the floor to sleep off her miracle. Did she receive the Holy Spirit, or did he knock her out? She wakes up refreshed. She's been cured of her insomnia, but she could still use a dentist.
Thanking Jesus, she jumps up and down like a game show contestant who has just won a cruise to the Virgin Islands. I wonder how much she got paid. Enough to see the dentist for a cleaning?
Cool! I'm going bald. Maybe if I put my hand on the screen and call in my bank card number, my aging follicles will re-generate and I'll wake up tomorrow morning just in time for work sporting an Afro! I called the toll free number to see if I could get a prayer. Someone answered immediately. "Jesus Loves You!" It’s nice to know that some Palestinian who died 2,000 years ago, rose from the dead, and who is still somewhere in my heart, loves me.
I was given another number to call. The prayer line had an area code in another state and I'd have to pay for the call. That’s okay, it’s cheaper than Monoxodil. After confessing that I was a sinner whose righteousness was not worth a pile of filthy rags, and after accepting that great big God into my little unworthy heart; I received my prayer. I could just begin to feel my bald spot tingling when I was asked if I would like to become a member of the Trinity Prayer Family. "What is that?" I asked.
"The Bible says that when two or more are present in The Lord's name, He is present and prayers are answered. The Trinity Prayer Family is a worldwide congregation of millions of the faithful who pray all day for the Lord to answer your prayers. You’ll receive a quarterly newsletter that contains testimonials from the saved who have received their miracle in the last ninety days, Praise the Lord, a T-shirt, the Reverend's new book, and a TGI Friday's gift certificate for two. You will also receive a 10% discount on airfare in the Reverend's private plane and accommodations in The Prayer Family Hotel during our annual Family Field Trip to the Holy Land. If you will allow us to debit $100.00 a month from your checking account, you can be a part of the God loving family of our Heavenly Father. You will also receive a gift certificate that you can use to buy Holy Water from the Jordan River, Prayer Cloths, and other souvenirs from the hotel's gift shop."
Man! What a deal! I told the girl on the phone that I would talk it over with my wife since she is the one who makes the decisions about how large our family should be and how much we spend on airfare and hotels. I thanked her and Jesus, and I went to the bathroom to shave my head.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)