Why I Choose To Worship Satan

First off, I'm not telling you who to worship. I don't care who you worship. In fact, I encourage you to worship someone OTHER than Satan. Competition is good for the consumer. If everyone worshiped the same deity, then there would be no competition and that deity could walk all over us. That wouldn't be any fun for anyone.

You should worship whomever makes you happy. Does God give you everything you want in life? Yes, I see that you are driving that super nice car that you always wanted. Your significant other is everything you ever asked for. All of your kids get straight A's. Good, it looks like God is providing for you.

In my case, it's Satan.

I dated 3 models in the last 5 years. Three. The last one is a lingerie model, and I married her. I'm fat and balding, but Satan provides for me. I mean sure there's a possibility I'll burn for eternity in the depths of a fiery afterlife, but MY WIFE IS SMOKIN' HOT. Who cares. It's awesome. My life is the best.

Do you see that picture of the Porsche? That's me and her! In my car! MY CAR IS A PORSCHE.

I do live in a small house though. But that's because I want to. I like my small house and I don't want kids. Kids are annoying. They smell terrible. They don't even pay taxes. Everyone has to pay taxes, even me. I do still pay taxes. But I make so much money that my taxes are inconsequential. Do you think I afford a Porsche writing for Hubpages? No. Hubpages is not a way to make money. I mean seriously does anyone even pay their rent around here? It's all about worshiping a God who provides for you, be it Satan or the Earth Mother.

I like to have carnal relationships with women (my wife, now). I did before I was married and I do after my marriage. Is that cool? I think so. Don't you? Do you like to do the horizontal boogey? It feels great. You should try it some time. Some Gods (not pointing any specific fingers) like to prevent you from doing that. Or they say something like "hey you can do it after you're married BUT ONLY IN ONE POSITION". That's no fun. No fun at all. I want to try all of the positions! I've done positions I didn't think were possible. Maybe they weren't possible. I've been known to bend time and space for some of that azz naw mean?

Good God/Satan/Buddha do I like to eat. I love food. I love all food. Good for me food, and bad for me food. I think vegetables are great, but I also love steak and bacon. I freaking love me a thick juicy slice of bacon in the morning. I want my bacon to look like a slab of prime rib steak it's so thick and juicy. Eating like I do is expensive and unhealthy but because of the deity I choose to worship, I can do what I want and my doctor says I'm the healthiest overweight patient he's got! Put that on a T-shirt and sell it!

So again, I'm not trying to convince you to worship Satan. You should worship whoever makes you happy.

But seriously I drive a Porsche and my wife is a lingerie model WAYYYYY out of my league.