Why I Love the Bible (Top 10 Reasons)

10. Nudity. You have Adam and Eve streaking in the Garden of Eden. Bathsheba bathing. Isaiah preaching naked for three years (Isaiah 20:3). I’m surprised modern day female preachers don’t try this technique in order to build mega-churches and a worldwide television congregation. A puzzling verse is John 21:7 where Peter is fishing naked. I don’t know why, unless he was trying to catch a mermaid.

Okay, the word “nudity” does not actually appear in the Bible, King James Version, but the word “nakedness” does many times. Read Leviticus 18. There is a whole lot of “Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of . . .” being undressed, ‘er I mean being addressed.

I wonder why Adam and Eve have belly buttons, at least according to those famous artists of old.

(Pictures are courtesy of www.public-domain-images.blogspot.com unless otherwise noted.)

9. The Ten Commandments. That was a terrific movie. In the Bible, quite frequently there is somebody breaking the commandments. It is the consequences of breaking a commandment that fascinates me. Of course most everyone knows the consequences of King David’s adultery with Bathsheba.

What happened to Jezebel? She had many Jewish prophets killed, she conspired to have Naboth murdered so her husband King Ahab could take his land, and she persuaded Ahab to worship false gods. After Ahab died, she got all dolled up to seduce King Jehu and went to the top of the wall of the city. The eunuchs tossed her off, she got trampled by horses, and dogs ate her. In today’s vernacular a “jezebel” is a woman who uses her sexuality for evil. Now that would include at least the entire female population between the ages of thirteen and seventy.

And then you have that one person in the Bible who broke all the commandments at the very same time. Right, Moses.

8. Proof that addicts can be rehabilitated. Just look at Nebuchadnezzar. If he doesn’t look like one strung-out junkie, I don’t know who does. Neb was on grass for seven years (Daniel 4:33). He must have been smoking some good stuff. Look at all the hallucinations (dreams) he had. When Neb got off the grass, he praised and honored God Daniel 4:34).

Now not all addicts are so lucky. Solomon, what with 700 and 300 concubines, was addicted to sex, much like Tiger Woods. Unfortunately, there apparently were no sex addiction clinics way back then. Strange stuff was Solomon’s downfall in that “For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods” (1Kings 11:4)” and God said unto Solomon “I will surely rend the kingdom from thee” (11:11).

Not that Solomon didn’t achieve do some positive things. Under the influence of his almost infinite wisdom, his ladies invented lesbianism and dildos.

7. The Word of God is not copyrighted. You can quote it all you want, particularly from the King James Version. Some modern translations are copyrighted, but often they offer translations online, and you are permitted to do properly attributed quotes.

Punctuation and proper grammar don’t matter much in the King James Version. Much like the texts I send and receive on my cell phone. So the Bible is in a language most of us should be familiar with, especially teenagers. For example in Leviticus 18:23 we have, “Neither shat thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.” According to The Chicago Manual of Style, 6.64, when a colon introduces two or more sentences the first word following it is capitalized.

Many women insist that the verse cited above pertaining to beasts is referring to men. Not so. It is about making out with horses and gorillas and such.

6. There is plenty of sex in the Bible. There is plenty of sex in just one book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon. Such erotic language in that book! Take for example chapter 4, verse 5, “Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.” I’m sure that is more of a turn on to young ladies than some dude screaming “Great hooters!”

But the sex in the Bible that intrigues me the most you will find in Genesis 6 where fallen angels copulated with human women. Of course, that also makes it the most controversial sex in the Bible. Would human women have sex with angels, given the opportunity? If the fallen angel looked like the one portrayed by Cabanel, I think they might be persuaded, especially once they have been informed by the angels in question that angels are not subject to MRP (Male Refractory Period). That means they don’t suffer from down time after ejaculation.

5. Date rape is not tolerated in the Bible. Every time a young man comes to the house to pick up my teenage daughter for a date, I point this out.

I start with Genesis 34:2 Dinah went out for a walk in the park and Shechem “saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.” So what happened to Shechem and his buddies who egged him on? First, they were circumcised, and then Simeon and Levi cut off their big heads.

We have more than one Tamar in the Bible. The first Tamar played the harlot with Judah. Perhaps she raped him? Another Tamar, the daughter of King David, we find in 2 Samuel 13. She was raped by Amnon, the son of King David (half-brother to Tamar). Two years later her full brother, Absalom, had Amnon killed at a feast.

King David happened to spy upon Bathsheba taking a bath. I happen to believe that what happened after that was not exactly consensual.

4. All the sports in the Bible. Right from the very beginning. “In the beginning (big inning) . . .”

Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, the prodigal son came home, and the Angels and Giants were rained out.

Wrestling seems to be a favorite sport of our biblical heroes. Samson, barehanded, put a can of whoop arse on the lion in Judges 14:5-6. The most controversial wrestling takes place in Genesis 32:24-29. Much speculation surrounds who exactly it was that Jacob wrestled. Some say Jesus. Some say an archangel, either Michael or Gabriel. The Midrash claims the unidentified combatant was the guardian spirit of Esau. What did Rembrandt say? That sure looks like a chick to me.

3. The plot and conflict contain the ultimate bad guy, Satan. What was it again that he did to Eve? I have heard stories ranging from that he merely lied to her to that he uncovered her nakedness (again, the favorite language of Leviticus 18). But wasn’t she already naked?

In Luke 22:3 we have “Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve.” I don’t think we are talking about Leviticus 18:22 here. You know, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.” We all know what Judas did after Satan entered him.

The list of Satan’s dastardly deeds goes on and on, but perhaps a picture is worth a thousand words. “Satan, Sin, and Death.”

2. God wrote it. No, not Lady Godiva. The feminine may be divine, but not in the Bible. He, He, He. God is a he. We know He (God) wrote the ten commandments. If you dictate a book to your secretary, you are still the author, right?

1. God did author it, in terms of the divine inspiration behind it. Yeah, like who is smarter than God? Correct, nobody. This is so important that it is number 1 and 2.

CONCLUSION: Believers will read the Bible anyway. But now you atheists have some good reasons to get with the Jesus program.