Oh God, Please forgive me - I am sorry
Honest Reflections as the Year Draws to an End
The first time I heard the mantra "God - I am sorry - Please forgive me - I Love YOU, Thank YOU" was from Joe Vitalie on one of his online sessions. He advised that when this mantra is repeated, all troubles that may have befell you, get slowly and gradually lifted -- or at least that's how I understood it.
Now, I find repeating mantras, .... well quite artificial and somehow robotic. Same with certain prayers. To me, any form of talking to God needs to come from the heart and in the language and words that is "you".
My mother likes the elegance of the formal prayers and mantras. She has always advised me to repeatedly say: "I am sorry God. I wasn’t obedient. Please forgive me."
Why would I apologize for something I don't feel I committed?
I don’t feel I am disobedient. I am a perfectly fine person. I have good intentions. I work hard. I am loyal and faithful. Why do I say something I don’t really mean?
So I didn't. I continued to be grateful in my own way for all the good things in my life.
Last week, during a quite reflection time with myself, I decided that as I end this year and start a new one, I will do a small confession about my setbacks last year. I want to start by the confessions because I mastered the courage to look at myself in the mirror like an artist who has the tools to make the portrait as pretty as he/she desires.
So I started off by writing in my journal --- Dear God, Please Forgive Me – I am Sorry, then I began to recall the one thing I may have not been totally good at. So my pen cooperated and I found myself writing...
"1- I rushed into judging and labeling people as:
and more colorful descriptions, for you know I am an artist at heart. On several occasions, it was proven to me that I was mistaken. I am really sorry. Please forgive me."
I put the pen down but it wanted to jump up again and on the paper, I wrote...
"2- I talked not nicely about some people behind their backs. This isn’t a good quality at all. I am really sorry. Please forgive me."
Needless to say that every time I laid down my pen, it somehow picked something my mind whispered and off I went...
"3- I gave myself the illusion power that I know the real intentions of others – usually not good intentions as YOU probably know. This was wrong. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
4- I tried hard this year to stick to my decision “Not to Gossip”. I know it may have been dressed as “Venting My Frustrations”, but at the end, I know I did some “Gossiping”. This isn’t an appealing quality at all. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
5- Sometimes I lied. Yes, I lied for all those perfectly logical reasons that kept my conscious at ease. This is wrong. I am really sorry. Please help me become a braver person. Brave people don’t lie. Please forgive me.
6- Sometimes I acted in a rude manner or in an insensitive way. I never meant it but I let my anger and frustration at the moment get hold of me and control me like a rag doll. I am really sorry. Please help me become stronger at heart. A strong heart though still full of emotions can’t be manipulated by anger and frustration. Please forgive me.
7- I know that I rushed, felt disappointed, acted like “Please God, make me patient but hurry up”, immersed in frustration, and doubted YOUR love for me, YOUR consideration to my prayers, and YOUR desire to help me. This is so wrong. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
8- I tried so hard this year to become a better person. Sometimes I demonstrated lack of compassion and other times I demonstrated a cynical attitude. I do hate myself when I catch it doing that. I need YOUR help. Please stay by my side helping me to become a more compassionate person and a no-cynical or bitter person no matter how crazy people seem or how hopeless situations may seem. For what I did was wrong. I am really sorry. Please forgive me and continue to help me become a better person.
9- I had an intention to become LOVE rather than a person in need for LOVE. Yes, I was able to LOVE more and I am truly grateful. Thank You. But I also admit that despite the fact that I was able to see how a lot of people are desperate for LOVE, I sometimes chose to look the other way, especially when I perceived those people as annoying. I know I ignored their need deliberately but this was in fear I may be negatively affected by their bitterness and negativity. For this one here God, I am not sure yet. For there sure are some emotional vampires out there who would such the energy effortlessly from anyone within their radius of DOOM & GLOOM. Well, I am still working on developing this new LOVE quality in me and maybe what I did wasn’t entirely wrong. But in all fairness and because I am being courageous here… I know that I need to develop more faith in YOUR ability to guard me and support me to stay on my LOVE path despite all the influences. Thank YOU God. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Please strengthen my faith.
10- Sometimes I overlooked all the precious gifts that YOU have given me and bathed myself in my lacks. This isn’t very smart and indeed wrong. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
11- Sometimes people were good to me and I failed to react in the same or better level of goodness. This is so bad. I feel so little when I do that. I am really sorry. Please forgive me. Please make me a bigger and more generous person who communicates kindly and nicely. Please help me tame and redirect my natural gifts, which are sarcasm and humor, in a way that doesn’t hurt others. Thank YOU God. Oh, how many people are gifted and instead of using their gifts constructively, they poke others with it and cause a lot of damage. How S&S are we – human beings (S&S is Sad & Stupid)?
12- Sometimes I perceived YOUR blessings as troubles that I need to be patient through rather than grateful for. See? I have grown so much since I decided to become a better person. Excuse my ignorance please. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
13- Sometimes I felt envious or jealous of others. Again every time I felt that, I just saw myself really small and so ugly inside. Please help me being content, patient and doubtless that all my hard work will pay off. I am truly grateful for the unique person that you created me as. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
14- Sometimes I failed to see my poor judgments or un-wise acts and inwardly I blamed the unfavorable results on others. I know that I decided to quit “Blaming” and I did. But sometimes it takes off inwardly, in my head or behind my ribs. I am now able to catch it though. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
15- Sometimes I failed to understand the tough feelings that others are having and just complained about their negative outlook on life. I judged them as wimps for not taking any action to correct their misfortunes. In my attempt not to absorb their whining and negativity, I may have diluted what they were going through. This is not nice. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
16- Sometimes I relied on the fact that I mean well and I attacked people – thinking that I am doing them a favor and giving them the sour truth in a cup labeled “Sincere Advice”. It didn’t turn out to be an effective strategy. It damaged some of my relationships. It hurt others. It made me talk from a level of superiority. All wrong. Please forgive me. I am really sorry.
17- Sometimes when people upset me or act in a way that contradicts with my values or defies my expectations, I view them as “Devilish Fools”. Wow, I am Super Judgmental. Please forgive me. I am really sorry."
Why am I sharing this with you here?
Because I felt something wonderful after I did this exercise. I felt both a sense of relief with somehow an inner cleansed soul and I also felt courageous and proud of myself. The most and really wonderful feeling that topped it all was "Feeling Loved". And who doesn't want to feel loved.
We are human beings and we react to what pleases us and what upsets us - oftentimes automatically based on our cultural standards, our upbringing, or personal inclinations. We are bound to slip and not react the way that makes us look in the mirror and feel at peace with ourselves and somehow proud that despite it all we stayed the gem that we want to be.
Whenever you have the desire and the courage, I invite you to do the same exercise for yourself and see if you'll feel the relief, the courage, and the love - even if you are not a religious person. There is a difference between a religious person and a spiritual person.
"Thank YOU God for not giving up on me. Thank YOU God for purifying my heart. Thank YOU God for guiding me through my desire and soul intention to become a better ME. Please do continue to help me become a better ME. Please help me to develop the capacity to help and love others rather than to be just focused on my personal development and myself. Please God, continue to LOVE me."
© 2015 Amel Abouelhassan