Does Christian Forgiveness Mean Accepting Mistreatment?

Years ago, I heard a TV evangelist preach about being patient and enduring through trials. He used the example of a woman who was verbally abused by her husband. The preacher praised the woman’s ability to be patient, longsuffering, and endure the pain.

Unfortunately, some in Christian circles believe that continuing in abusive relationships is a virtue. For example, some church leaders advise and guilt victims of domestic violence to stay in abusive relationships. Others tell women to submit to their husbands as if mistreatment was the women’s fault. Women are told that if they get dinner on time and are submissive, they will not be abused.

As a former victim of verbal and physical abuse, I feel angry when I hear about situations like this. So it is a virtue to choose to endure degradation, hurtful words, and other types of mistreatment?

No. Abuse of any kind, exploitation, theft, and other harmful behaviors are morally wrong and criminal. No one has the right to manipulate and hurt us. Perpetrators must be held accountable for what they say and do. Forgiveness does not absolve them from responsibility for their actions. Mistreatment is a sin and always has consequences.

Forgiveness and accountability are two different things. Forgiveness is for us, and accountability deals with others. Forgiveness is ultimately a way to release ourselves from hatred, anger, and a desire for revenge. After pardoning others, we begin the accountability process, which determines what we do next.

We have several choices after pardoning others:

• Wait to see if offenders are truly repentant and, in some cases, willing to make amends before making decisions about accountability.
• Show mercy and let them off the hook (Romans 12:19).
• Confront them and set boundaries with consequences if they offend again.
• End harmful relationships and avoid the offenders.
• Report harmful or criminal behavior to authorities.
• Follow through with charges in the criminal justice system.

Part of this process is letting go of revenge. Sin has consequences no matter what we decide. Offenses destroy trust and relationships. God says that He will avenge us (Romans 12:19).

Look at the Fruits of Their Actions

Some offenders are master manipulators who try to convince us that we deserve their mistreatment. When things go wrong, they blame us. However, we must be wise and discern what is really going on (Proverbs 16:21).
While enduring abuse may build some patience, the fruits are extremely harmful such as:

• Low-esteem
• Poor body image
• Fear
• Anger
• Being physically hurt
• A desire for vengeance
• Resentment against God and His church

Some offenders try to convince us that we do not have the right to be angry, demand accountability, and seek justice. They may threaten to fire, disfellowship, or disgrace us. However, whatever happens, God will be with us as we deal with bad fruit. Some people, especially those who have been through similar experiences, can be supportive as we mitigate the damage.

Ensure our Safety

Evildoers can become dangerous when they realize that they no longer have control over us and that we will not follow their agenda. They will lash out verbally and, at times, physically. We may find ourselves in situations that are difficult to leave. We should seek counsel on how to exit dangerous situations safely and seek support in making escape plans.

Discern Whether Offenders Truly Want to Change

We must observe offenders to affirm whether or not they are truly repentant and willing to change. Some people are weak and do not realize that they are hurting others. God gives us wisdom and discernment when we ask for understanding during prayer.

We have the right to hold perpetrators at arm’s length and not trust them until they prove themselves to us. If they continue to do evil, we should avoid them (1 Corinthians 5:11).

Deal Wisely With Pushback

If we choose to hold perpetrators accountable, they will push back. Many will use lying, threats, blame-shifting, and denial to escape responsibility for their actions.
Offenders may say:

“If you would stop nagging, I wouldn’t do these things.”
“It is your fault I am the way I am.”
“I thought you were a Christian who was supposed to forgive.”
"The Bible says you should forgive not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:21-23)."
“The Bible says wives should submit to their husbands.”
“If you go against me, you will regret it.”
“Do you want the whole world to know about our problems?”
“I will apply for custody of the children if you leave me, and I have the money and power to do it.”
“I can’t go on living if you leave me.”

Offenders live in fear of punishment and will do just about anything to escape justice being done. Some may claim to be Christians but misuse scripture to get what they want. They will even encourage us to rebel against God (Proverbs 17:11).

The people around us may also push back. Author Susannah Griffith, Ph.D., experienced pressure from her church’s leaders to forgive her abusive husband and stay in the marriage. In her book Forgiveness after Trauma, Dr. Griffith describes years of being blamed and punished for her marriage troubles by others, including Christian leaders.

When an offender is a well-respected Christian leader, church members are reluctant to believe that someone they revere is actually abusive. It is easier for members to blame the victim for problems than to face that they were wrong in the assessment of the leader’s character.

End Relationships With Perpetrators

We must not enable offenders to continue their abusive behavior toward us. They are sinning against God and, in some cases, against the laws of the land. If we hold them accountable, they may realize they are harming others and repent. If not, the toxicity they cause will continue to harm us.

If we associate with people who repeatedly offend us, we put ourselves at risk of harm either emotionally or in other ways. Evildoers hang out with other evildoers. We could be pulled into their criminal behavior as innocent bystanders and be accused of their crimes.

There may be situations where perpetrators change and stop their abusive behavior. Sometimes, their efforts are too little too late. The history of pain and trauma may be too difficult to overcome. If we feel this way, we should not feel guilt and shame for deciding to end the relationship. Doing so may also give the person who hurt us a chance to start fresh elsewhere.

Remember That You Are a Child of God

We can call God “Abba” (Father, Daddy) as his beloved children. No father wants his children to be hurt by others. He wants us to prosper, be in health, and lead a peaceful life (3 John 1:2).

We must be wise and see manipulation, lies, and abuse for what they truly are. Evildoers do not understand what is right, but those who seek God do (Proverbs 28:5).

In the end, we should not be anxious or fret about evildoers. They have no hope for the future, and “the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out” (Proverbs 24:19-20).
Perpetrators will be caught because of their sinful talk, but innocent people escape trouble (Proverbs 12:13). We have the right to live our lives in peace with others and be safe from harm.

The Holy Bible, New International Version