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struggling within the Kingdom
Seek ye first
We all have demons. Mine mostly lived in my past, however I seemed to eagerly drag them into the present so I could allow them to control me still. That doesn't make sense, yet so many of us live that way.
We all have a past, some worse than others, some more hurtful than others, But we all have one. We can spend our whole lives fighting yesterday, and eluding the battles of today that will lead us into tomorrow or we can make a choice. We cannot escape our past, but we can choose to come to terms with it.
I had many excuses to run from the Lord. I blamed my past. I could list you ever single reason I had to not turn to Him. I could tell you how people in church had wounded me, very badly. I could tell you how I never had a good father. I could tell you that no one understood me. I could tell you all of those. It's all true, but, it still is just a long list of excuses.
I hid from Jesus. I was supposed to be seeking His face, and I was, when it was convenient. I read my bible, I praised, and I prayed, when I wanted to. The truth is I didn't want to pray very much, and when I did, it was mainly just the typical Lord touch my family and friends, forgive me of my sins, thank you for all you've done for me. Is there anything wrong with those prayers? No, of course not. However I avoided going deeper most of the time, except when my past was absolutely swallowing me and threatening my very survival. Even then, I hid my worst fears and my deepest pains from Him.
The Lord can see our pain, He even sees what we can't see. He knows the hard questions we have for Him. He knows what we are running from. He knows the deepest darkest corners of our soul, where we neatly tuck away our most heart wrenching despairs, and leave them there until something disturbs them. Then suddenly our worlds cave in on us, and we sit there wondering why.
Over the last few weeks I have had a couple of counseling sessions, and I have gotten some negative voices out of my life. I don't allow people to control me anymore, I allow the Lord room to work in me. I ask HIS advice. In eliminating one of the most negative and controlling voices in my life, I have found a great freedom. Not that I hadn't eliminated it before, but it was always out of anger and bitterness, and attached with a load of guilt. This time is different. I forgave that person, and in order to keep my forgiveness in tact, I have chosen to contact them rarely. Just occasionally a small gesture towards them. I have no reason to let my life be ruined by one person who wants to take over my life. People can push you away from God, even if you don't realize it's happening.
I decided after church one sunday night to get real with Jesus. I opened up to Him. I point blank told Him, quite emotionally, that I didn't feel like He had protected me. That I felt like He had let me down. I prayed a real prayer, a hurtful and somewhat angry heartfelt prayer. That night I woke up to a dark shadowy figure of a man directly outside my window. Which terrified me. I spent 4 days unable to fall asleep, and sleeping fitfully when I did. Then I prayed again, and I asked why He let so many bad things happen when I was a child. I prayed for probably an hour. And then it hit me, The man outside my window, that Jesus had PROTECTED me from. Then I started going through my life, and really looked at all the times He had protected me, in huge ways. Then I had to come to terms with the idea that if He let those things happen, but protected me from other things, there had to be a reason that He let it happen. A reason that my fragile and limited earthly mind could never grasp. And I realized I had to trust Him with that.
Sometimes there are no answers, and I have to trust Him and love Him in spite of what I don't understand. If I didn't trust Him, ever little fear would completely overwhelm me. I went to sleep and slept like a baby.
I have prayed many real, get down in your soul prayers over the last few weeks like that first one. And it is amazing the things God is doing to answer those prayers. He is showing me things in life, and teaching me awesome lessons. He is showing me in ways that completely surprise me just how awesome He really is, and how I CAN TRUST Him.
I've never been more thrilled to pray in my life. I talk to the Lord for an hour like it's just a minute. It's so invigorating to pray to the God of the universe and have Him do things that blow your mind just to show you He's listening.
I don't know why I have fought God for most of my life, but talking to Him is one of the most fulfilling, relieving, and yes even fun things, that I have ever done. He is more than just love, He is also intelligence and creativeness. He's an amazing teacher and a wonderful listener. He shows me how things can really make sense.
I am so blessed to have seen Jesus with my spiritual eyes much more clearly. I love talking to Him. It's an adventure, it's exhilarating, it's fun. Did I just say praying is fun? yes, I did! And it's so much more than that. Jesus is a wonderful conversationalist! If you stop and listen to Him. If you stop and notice what He is showing you in life. It's truly the most fulfilled you will ever be, to let Him in, and seek first the Kingdom.
If your struggling within the Kingdom, you need nothing more than to make friends with the King.