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5 Easy Steps to Coming off as a Real MMA Fighter!

Updated on May 17, 2014

First off, I’m not GSP or an MMA fighter. Do I love martial arts? Yes. Have I been punched in the face? Yes. Have I been thrown so hard my kidneys shook? Yes. Have I been kicked in the liver? Yes. Have I broken bones training? Yes. (It was just a toe, but still man!) So my point is I don’t even claim to be a MMA fighter! - But I do claim to have some experience in martial arts. – So I figured that gives me the right to write on this topic. (Write on! – or – Right on! That was cheesy.)

So remember, if you are an actual MMA fighter, the following obviously doesn’t concern you. – Because you actually train! (But more importantly because you can kick my ass!)

1. Have Zero MMA Training!
Ironically (but still obviously), the first step in appearing to be a MMA fighter is well, you need zero MMA training. – Of ANY sort! Yep, it’s true folks. This point had to be number one because it will directly tie into the other 4 points below.

You see, if you are trying to “appear” as an MMA fighter, you can never have had any type of actual training other than what you have seen on TV. In most cases, your MMA moves are not going to get you anywhere, so you are going to need a trunk full of props. And the other four points are going to get you to a level of deception that Criss Angel couldn’t pull off!

2. Wear MMA Clothing from Top to Bottom!
Wear MMA clothing! Always! At all times! – There are so many damn types of MMA clothing brands that you will have many options these days. So go choose 1, 2 or 3 different brands of your favorite MMA brands. Make sure that crap sounds tough as hell or even has some bling on it!

You’ll get extra points for placing a Tapout sticker on the back of your ride! (Especially if it’s some loud, noisy car that is lowered to the ground and apparently doesn’t have a muffler!)

Again, as you wear your MMA gear, make sure you wear as much as possible. If MMA underwear are available, grab ‘em, - Hat? Check – Shorts? Check? – Socks? Check and so on and so on.

Next, every time you leave the house, dress like you are walking towards the cage. (Don’t wear a robe or anything, that’d just be flat out too over the top.)

3. Educate Yourself on Only the Rear Naked Choke and/or the Arm Bar!
Forget about other moves and types of martial arts…or even self defense. This will be crucial in your appearance of being an MMA fighter and also a great help in your armchair quarterbacking – Err, “armchair MMA fighting”. So when you are watching a UFC fight and want to appear to be a MMA fighter, you do this:

First, one opponent goes to the ground, second, you (MMA faker or maybe mental professional fighter sounds better?) immediately shouts, “Rear naked choke! Arm bar!” – See how it works?

I mean, the appearance of this makes total sense! You are sitting there at Hooters (tough guy place to begin with) wearing a UFC hat (crooked), Tapout shirt (tight) and yelling two very common moves on the ground. Who is going to challenge you on your call? (People won’t be paying attention to you anyway as other fakers, “mental professional fighters”, will be screaming the same thing unable to hear you and real fighters will just be tuning out all of the BS.) Note however; do NOT scream “rare” naked choke or you will be flagged as a faker immediately.

4. Get a Japanese Tattoo
It’s going to have to get serious to move things up a notch. Tattoo time!

You have decided to commit your body to your deceptive craft of being a MMA fighter, err, not really being a MMA fighter. – Okay sorry, - I’m trying to make this into a positive thing, just think of yourself as a “mental ninja” okay? - You deceive and hide from people okay (but without crawling on the ceiling or using smoke and throwing stars)? - Sounds more exciting now huh?

I suggest taking on the Japanese name, “Wonabi” (Yeah I totally made that up!) and working that into your Japanese tat. After the tat, you will be official! You will be connected to Japan - very distantly, but still nonetheless connected to a country that founded so many great styles of martial arts. Wow! Just imagine! You - connected…

Your tattoo may be a dragon, it may be some secret fight symbol, but chances are it is just one character that you can tell everyone means, “Oh great fighter!” – Or some crap like that! Hell, tell them it means “rear naked choke!” However, if you end up branded with a Japanese symbol meaning “Sushi Samurai”, who cares, it’s still a Japanese symbol and nobody will know!

5. Do the Do! (Hair)
Okay, if all else fails and/or you just really want to stand out. I mean, you have your Japanese tattoo, a crooked MMA hat, Bad Boy shirt, Venum shorts but you still can’t throw a punch. – Well it’s time for the final drastic step, you want to either shave your head into a mohawk, dye it or combo the two! This will earn you a solid dojo name of “Wonabi”. (Oh yeah, dojos are where a lot of martial artists train.)

“Gentleman I want a good, clean fight. Listen to my commands at all times, defend yourselves at all times...”

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