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AAA Guerra de Titanes Preview
Hey kids; it’s me! I BET YOU THOUGHT THAT I WAS okay I can’t do the Billy Madison thing. It’s too played out. Never the less I am indeed back from a mini-vacation that featured me doing things like dog sitting, searching for Máscara Sagrada vs. Black Cat, mask vs. mask (SOMEONE FIND THIS FOR ME!) and playing Total Extreme Wrestling in the hope of finally making El Hijo del Santo vs. Atlantis, mask vs. mask happen. The dreams we have. But now it’s back to reality and reality this time includes something we haven’t talked about in awhile; AAA! Or as Kevin Kleinrock calls it, TREEP LAY AH!!! Sounds like the world’s worst Tijuana strip club, with this guy as owner.
But I digress. It’s a new year and even black sheep like AAA deserve a shot, especially when they have a big event like Guerra de Titanes coming up this Friday. And while it’s not going to seem that way by the time you’re done reading this sarcastic and at times very angry preview, this card isn’t bad. It’s certainly not great; just look at the opener, the second match and the main event for proof of that. But there are three matches here to give you hope, a lot of talented dudes who deserve your viewership and one embarrassingly bad clown that deserves your ridicule. And hey, who doesn’t love some jokes at Dorian Roldan’s expense? So let’s not waste time and get this party started. Moses, you know the rest.
Bengala, Big Mami, Dinastía, Pimpinela Escarlata vs. Dave the Clown, Lady Shani, Mamba, Mini Psycho Clown
What to Expect: I look at this match and I realize just how good I have it with the CMLL openers. They’re no walk in the park but even on their worst day they don’t look as hopeless as this match does. I mean people; some dude named Dave the Clown is involved. Dave the gorram Clown! That AAA is now booking a dude named Dave the Clown (for free from what I’ve heard) is embarrassing, never mind the fact that the guy is as good as every M. Night Shyamalan film before Split. In short, you’re probably better off skipping this match or hoping AAA skips showing it when the videos are posted to YouTube. The only reasons to see it is if you’re a really big fan of non Orson Welles Bengala, Dinastía or both and think they can pull a rabbit out of their hat.
Winners: I’d say team Bengala/Dinastía, but this is AAA we’re talking here. Anything could happen; Dorian could walk out dressed as Kevin Kleinrock and pin Dave the Clown while screaming “TREEP LAY AH!!!!” and I wouldn’t be shocked. And because of that I’m going with Dave the Clown to pin Bengala and Dinastía at the same time while the internet burns to the ground. Never fear sports fans; only five more matches to go!
Faby Apache & Mary Apache vs. Averno & Chessman
What to Expect: A significantly better match than the opener, yet a match that’s still significantly flawed. Honestly I’m not sure why this feud was going on. It seems like it’s been a year since this feud started and while long feuds aren’t bad they work best when they actually go somewhere. This feud has gone nowhere; the only things AAA has done for Apaches-whatever the name of Averno and Chessman’s group is bring Gran Apache, Ricky Marvin and El Hijo del Tirantes into the mix for a bunch of overbooked non finishes that haven’t resolved anything. Hey, when you can use a nearly sixty year old part time luchador, The Artist Formerly Known as Fat Bengala and a referee who makes his father look like Earl Hebner, you gotta do it. I’m sure someone out there likes this stuff but to me it’s just a tad repetitive, undeserving of talents like Averno (who amazingly has remained pretty good throughout all of this) and something that should’ve culminated at Triplemania. As such I don’t care for this match, have no expectations beyond it being overbooked into hell yet again and only hope that this is the concluding chapter. Alas it’s probably not, at least for the Apache Sisters.
Winners: Common sense (and the grapevine) tell me that the Apache Sisters should emerge victorious here in order to lead to what appears to be AAA’s endgame with this angle; Faby vs. Hijo del Tirantes at Rey de Reyes. Why this is the endgame?
Now this is AAA so once more you can’t be too sure what they’re going to do. But the one thing I will give the company is that they do seem to be honing in on more long term planning recently; just look at how long this feud as gone and the way AAA is pushing Psycho Clown vs. Dr. Wagner Jr. for Triplemania this summer (more on that later). Some of it may not be the angles fans truly want, but at least AAA is trying something with it, and I think they’ll do so again here. I say the Apache Sisters win after more shenanigans and somehow we get Faby vs. Tirantes out of this. On second thought maybe AAA should go back to booking on the fly.
AAA World Cruiserweight Championship Match
El Hijo del Fantasma (c) vs. Garza Jr.
What to Expect: Truly, this is where the card starts to look up. Granted I’m not sure why this match is happening (it wasn’t too long ago these two were going for the AAA Tag Team Championships together at Triplemania) but who cares when this is easily one of the best matches the card has going? And I say that while still not being too sold on Garza Jr. Sure he has a great look, decent charisma and can work in the ring to some degree, but he’s one of those luchadors that I wouldn’t be devastated to see scooped up by WWE. Luckily for him he’s in the ring here with a man who it would devastate me to see leave in Fantasma. We forget this because he’s been out all of season three of Lucha Underground (thus far) and because he was hurt for a good chunk of 2016 but El Hijo del Fantasma is still the bomb diggity. He excels at every aspect of lucha, always seems to be involved in one of the best matches on the card and other than Aerostar still has the greatest suicide dive in wrestling today. This match is worth watching just because you know he’s going to land at least two of those on poor Garza. I’m not saying this will be the match that changes your life or anything like that but it features two talented luchadors squaring off for a title on a card where all but two other matches have rammed into an iceberg. You owe it to yourself to check this out, even if it’s just to remind yourself how awesome Fantasma is.
Winner: Fantasma. Sure he’s held that title since the first time Alberto El Patron left WWE and sure this is AAA, but…actually now that I think of it I don’t really have a good reason for Fantasma retaining other than “he’s better than Garza Jr. and should be champion instead of Garza Jr.” Regardless I’ll stick with my gut and say Fantasma takes it with a Cuerno Driver.
Six Man Cage Match: Last Two Luchadors Must Compete in a Mask vs. Mask/Hair Match at Rey de Reyes
Aerostar vs. Super Fly vs. Argenis vs. Australian Suicide vs. Angelico vs. Carta Brava Jr.
What to Expect: My only problem with this match; it shouldn’t be in this spot. I don’t know why but it bugs the shit out of me that AAA has placed it in this spot, where the cage could kill the momentum of the show just after it got some. Why not have it before Fantasma-Garza? Or if you wanted to have it be a cool down match, why not have it before the main event? Or hell, why does it have to be a cool down match at all? Have you seen who’s in this match AAA?! You should’ve just dropped the cage and let these six fly around like there’s no tomorrow. Instead poor Aerostar is now trapped in the cage, till the end when he does a ridiculous spot that sends him and Super Fly through the cage and into the stands (it’s Aerostar. He’ll make the physics work). It’s all a shame because this match could be really good under the right circumstances and probably will be the third best match on the card anyway. Hell I'll watch this match regardless because there's only so many times you can enjoy greatness like Angelico. I just hope AAA has several cool things planned for inside the cage or has made it easier to see into the gorram thing; otherwise this is going to Alderan being destroyed bad, with this match as Alderan and Dorian as CGI Gran Moff Tarkin.
The Final Two: In case the header didn’t make it clear, this match is your normal cage match. Hell it’s not even your bizarre CMLL cage match where everyone escapes and then two people fight for their masks/hair. Nope, this one goes until two men are left…and then they must wait to put their masks or hair on the line at Rey de Reyes in March. How very AAA of AAA (though again, it is at least something looking to the future). Who will those final two be? Unless Dorian and co. are really trying to kill us via shock it’s Aerostar and Super Fly. They’re feuding again (Aerostar has been pushing it quite hard on Twitter), the rest of the guys have nothing to do; it’s pretty cut and dry. And hey, I’m fine with that considering Aerostar is out of this world and Super Fly ain’t half bad either. So those two will indeed be the last two, with Argenis barely getting out ahead of them, followed by that crazy stunt I suggested. It’s Aerostar; one crazy stunt is required.
AAA Latin American Championship Match
Johnny Mundo vs. Pentagon Jr.
What to Expect: If this isn’t the best match of the night I will quit writing and wander the earth Kane from Kung Fu style (just kidding. Or am I?). I know; this match was supposed to be one of the best of Triplemania back in August and it ended up being a disappointment. But may I remind you that match was hurt by a) Matt Striker reaching his final form of suck and b) AAA focusing more on Taya joining up with Mundo than the match itself. It may have been a curious move then but it does at least add some extra heat to this match, the first time Pentagon will be facing Mundo one on one since that Triplemania match. You know the man of Cero Miedo wants his title back, you know he wants revenge on Taya for her turning her back on him and Perros del Mal AND you know that Pentagon just likes to beat people up anyway and this is merely another opportunity. Thus as long as Mundo is on his A game I expect this to be a significantly better match than the Triplemania one and overall a really good match any way you look at it. Maybe I’m in for a rude awakening (wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened with AAA) but I can’t see these two failing again. They’re too good. They’re just too good.
Winner: Mundo appears to be heading out of AAA for a bit after this and even if he wasn’t there’s only so much you can do with him as champion anyway. So yes, everyone’s favorite luchador Pentagon Jr. will be taking this one home to become the first ever two time Latin American Champion. The real questions will be how he does it and how the internet reacts to how he does it. One way or another he’ll have the belt and I’m pretty sure people will still be upset anyway. It truly has come to the point that if Pentagon isn’t breaking people’s arms and winning a squash in five minutes that some people won’t be happy with whatever he does. Try not to be that person people.
La Parka, Psycho Clown, Texano Jr. vs. Dr. Wagner Jr., El Mesias, Pagano
What to Expect: Welp, looks like AAA is trying to top Roman Reigns vs. Triple H for worst main event to a big show of all time. I mean I get why they’re doing this bout; the build for Psycho vs. Wagner is in full swing and with how big that match is and what they’re aiming for with it (supposedly they want to try and sell out a stadium) they have to keep the heat at all times. But good Grodd Dorian you couldn’t find a better way than this match? Why not a tag with just Psycho/Texano going against Wagner/Mesias or Wagner/Pagano? Sure Mesias may not be what he is in Lucha Underground and Pagano is, well, Pagano, but that’s at least far more enticing than having to watch an old never was continue to ape one of the best luchadors ever, all while sucking at it. Dorian, Marisela, Joaquin, I know you’re not reading this right now but ENOUGH! Get Imposter La Parka out of the main event, get him out of your company and…just get him out. He adds nothing, he’s going to hurt both this main event and most importantly the build to a match you want to be your centerpiece this year just by being a part of this. I can’t tell you how much I’m not looking forward to this match. The sooner it ends and Psycho, Texano, Wagner, Mesias and Pagano can get away from the great big phony, the better.
Winners: This is where AAA is going to AAA things. I’d personally have Psycho pin Pagano to win this match, then have him get the better of Wagner, Los Psychos Circus and whoever else is running out in Wagner’s favor at the end. Alas what will happen instead is the rudos winning by some sort of interference, Psycho getting beat down afterwards and Dorian and co. continuing to wonder why they aren’t doing better. Oh, and Imposter Parka will also somehow look strong throughout all of this because fuck everything. It may be time to end this column now.
That’s a wrap sports fans! I’ll be back later today to countdown the best matches of Lucha Underground’s second half, while trying not to insult Mark Burnett and co. too much. Till then, hope you enjoyed some TREEP LAY AH!!!