Aztec Warfare III Running Diary
I have only a few rules in life; when in doubt go with the rudos, always have an escape plan, always keep a part of your schedule free in case Yvonne Strahovski finally gets back to you about that date and always have a running diary prepared for historic Lucha Underground episodes. Which brings us to tonight! Allow me to take you through my journey through Aztec Warfare III, which should go down as one of the most talked about LU events ever and the show that made Dave Meltzer’s head explode.
7:47: We are live in Casa de Cult, thirteen minutes away from the big one. Let the record show that I’m 98% excited and 2% scared right now and that it could easily flip flop sometime in the next hour. That’s what makes this night so tense. AZTEC WARFARE BABY!
7:49: Turned on El Rey to see the pre LU movie is Red Dawn. Wolverines! Seriously, who doesn’t enjoy borderline fascists 80s films featuring the Russians and Patrick Swayze as Patrick Swayze.
7:50: “I LOVE YOU EDDIE!” “I KNOW!” When did Star Wars start?
7:51: We cut to an evil Russian guy who can’t remember what it was like to be warm. Meanwhile his fellow Russian is reading a Playboy behind him. Did Donald Trump make this?
7:54: Only the United States of America would create a film where a couple of teenagers wipe out the entire Red Block. How long until Vince McMahon buys the rights to this and remakes it with Roman Reigns defeating the Soviet Union?
7:55: BAH GAWD, SWAYZE’S BEEN SHOT! SWAYZE’S BEEN SHOT! SAD MUSIC EVERYWHERE!!!! Unbelievably he walks it off, picks up pre WINNING Charlie Sheen, is allowed to escape by the Russian who couldn’t remember what it was like to be warm and WHY ON EARTH AM I STILL TYPING ABOUT THIS?!
7:59: The movie ends with Marty McFly’s mother being free (BUT IS SHE?!), Swayze and Sheen being dead and who cares because (Bruce Buffer’s voice) IIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT’S TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get the meme Moses.
7:59: Classical music promo for tonight’s show. Classy LU; classy.
8:00: We’re cutting right to the chase with that scene found on YouTube yesterday. For those who missed it, Johnny Mundo confronts El Jefe, says he’s going to win Aztec Warfare from the #12 spot (all while Taya films him for a documentary) and winds up in the #2 spot because he pissed off Dario. The good news; he’ll get his shot at the LU title next week if he doesn’t win tonight thanks to him cashing in the Gift of the Gods Championship. That’s a man with a plan there folks. Also a man who probably is going to be left lying like Bruce Wayne in the final pages of Knightfall Part One.
8:02: TURN THE CAMERA OFF!
8:03: Usual pre Aztec Warfare festivities are going on here as Striker and Vamp hype the show and break down the rules. Gotta love Vamp rocking that maroon jacket, even if it’s not quite Orange is the New Vamp levels. El Jefe and Matanza are already in the ring by the way.
8:04: Whoa; Dario reveals to Melissa that Sexy Star was supposed to be the #2 entry, but was bumped so Dario could stick it to Mundo. You know what’s coming!
8:06: RING THE BELL!!!!!
8:07: Mundo and Matanza kill it with some great sequences before Son of Havoc comes out at number three. This could get fun REALLY quickly.
8:08: Man, Mundo and Havoc almost got Matanza there twice. Havoc then proceeds to laying into both guys; no double teaming for you Mundo!
8:09: Mundo wants no part of Matanza now.
8:09: Back to the double teams, which have been great thus far. HERE COMES JEREMIAH CRANE!
8:09: SO! MANY! KICKS!
8:10: LOVERS OF IVELISSE COLLIDE! And Mundo breaks it up. We go live to the internet’s reaction of Jeremiah-Havoc being prevented.
8:10: Pentagon in. Let the record show the first five are Matanza, Mundo, Havoc, Jeremiah and Pentagon. That’s damn good first five as we go to commercial. Also; props to El Jefe telling Matanza to hang out on the outside for a bit. That’s why he’s the boss.
8:14: WE’RE BACK!
8:15: Pentagon looks like the greatest thing in the history of the western hemisphere right now. Matanza is back in to fight him.
8:15: P.J. Black is sixth. That’ll make Johnny feel better.
8:16: COAST TO COAST AND A LIONSAULT BY THE DAREWOLF IN RAPID SUCCESSION!
8:16: DIAMOND CUTTER!
8:16: Mariposa is seventh. Matanza and Pentagon are choking each other on the outside.
8:17: Mariposa owning noobs in there…until Jeremiah gets to his feet and destroys her with a Double Underhook Piledriver.
8:17: Crane is out after a German from Matanza, ending yet another great performance from the former Sami Callihan. Striker points out that’s the 10th straight elimination by Matanza in this match going back to last year, which serves to both terrify me and provide the best line Matt Striker would deliver all night.
8:18: Make that eleventh after Matanza chokeslams Mariposa. There was a weird moment between them there, almost like Mariposa was trying to seduce Matanza before he sent her to Kingdom Come. Is it wrong I’m picturing a rom com starring those two now? We’ll call it So I Married a Monster Who’s Possessed By An Evil God. Get on that DeJoseph before I write it myself!
8:18: Rey Mysterio is out next as we go to another commercial. SO MANY COMMERCIALS!
8:22: We return again with Rey and Matanza ready to throw down for the first time since last year. Worldwide Underground pulls him out though and HOT DAMN he owns both of them with a great sequence.
8:22: Pentagon-Rey face off again. These two have been great together. Meanwhile Mundo is crawling under the ring because life is hard.
8:23: My first mark out moment; THE GOOD DOCTOR IS IN AT #9!
8:23: WAGNER AND PENTAGON FACE OFF! AND THEY’RE NOW TEAMING UP TO TAKE ON REY!!!!!!
8:23: CMLL style offense from Rey on Pentagon and Wagner. The Good Doctor quickly takes back control though as Pentagon rolls to the outside.
8:24: Marty is tenth. It’s gonna get CREEPY!
8:24: Marty and Matanza facing off. MARTY SLAPS HIM! THE BALLS OF THE MOTH!
8:25: MARTY DIVE!
8:25: Inexplicably Marty the Moth and Matanza are having a great brawl and I now need to see these two wrestle in a major match later this season.
8:25: OH MY JACK! Everyone but Taya from Worldwide Underground is in this one thus far.
8:26: Havoc is eliminated by Worldwide Underground. I am sad.
8:26: Sexy Star is out. I’m not as sad.
8:26: Sexy jumps Mundo and is pounding on him as we go to break. I need an ice water!
8:29: If Angelico isn’t returning to destroy Worldwide Underground like he hinted at on Twitter, I will flood Rhode Island with all the sobbing I will do. It’ll be like Hard Rain, except with 100% more wrestling and 100% less Christian Slater.
8:30: We return to Sexy getting triple teamed as the crowd boos while Marty and Matanza are still brawling outside! Who do I have to blackmail to make that match happen LU? I’ll do it!
8:31: JACK DIVE!
8:31: Pentagon snuffs out a P.J. dive but Mundo finds his nuts and gets a beauty off himself. Ricky Mandel…yes, that Ricky Mandel, is out as lucky number 13. He quickly meets up with Pentagon again and let’s just say it doesn’t end well…FOR EITHER OF THEM BECAUSE THEM BLOODY NINJAS ARE HERE!
8:32: Black Lotus and her ninjas (who are actually Stardom mega stars Io Shirari, Kairi Hojo and Mayu Iwatani) just laid waste to Pentagon, the most diabolical hater since the so called Beautiful. We are officially through the looking glass people; white is black, black is white and yes I’ll stop quoting JFK now.
8:32: Mundo sneaks in and pins Pentagon while P.J. pins Mandel, still broken from Pentagon handing him his ass. Fans hated Pentagon getting eliminated. Don’t worry folks; he’ll be snapping them ninja arms in no time!
8:33: Here comes Mascarita...and there goes Mascarita, much to the delight of Famous B. Matanza now all alone in the ring while everyone else brawls on the floor.
8:34: HEY, FAMOUS B IS #15! He’s now in the ring with Rey.
8:34: And there goes Famous! Silly thinking he could take on Mysterio. The heard is thinning, with Worldwide Underground, Matanza, Rey, Wagner, Marty and Sexy the only ones that remain by my count.
8:35: Marty has been even better here than he was in WMD. I say that because he’s now done too, rolled up by Mysterio. Long live the Moth!
8:35: BIG WILLIE TIME!
8:36: In a repeat from last year, Mack stuns Marty on his way out. Gotta love that LU tradition.
8:36: Wagner is getting destroyed by Matanza on the outside. Like whoa.
8:36: Here’s Joey Ryan at #17. AND HE’S GOT THE HANDCUFFS AGAIN! This time he handcuffs himself to the rail, which somehow isn’t going to work out much better for our favorite corrupt cop.
8:37: Sexy wisely working with Jack, who is making her look like a million bucks.
8:38: Mil Muertes is eighteen. UH OH!!!!!!!
8:38: RUN JOEY RUN!
8:38: HE RIPPED THE HANDCUFFS OFF OF RYAN! It’s pretty much curtains for the corrupt one from that point forward, as Mil throws Ryan into the ring and eliminates him right as Matanza is eliminating Wagner. HOSS STAREDOWN! HOSS STAREDOWN!
8:39: Kobra Moon is nineteen. Surely that won’t play into anything involving the next entry.
8:40: Everybody is getting tossed into the stands while Kobra just hangs out at the announcer’s table. Jack and Big Willie find their way back in and Jack’s eliminated via stunner.
8:40: POP UP STUNNER! P.J. Black is gone and Johnny Mundo is in a MUNDO of trouble.
8:40: Drago is here. Barring another #21 entry like last year that’s it. Kobra and Drago go at it and Kobra looks a million times better than she did last year. That Drago does wonders I tell you!
8:41: PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR BY MATANZA!
8:41: Kobra is eliminated after Drago gets his roll up. I doubt that’s the last we’ve seen of Kobra…or maybe it is as Drago is quickly disposed of by Matanza. How many eliminations does this man have now?
8:42: Six are left; Matanza, Rey, Sexy Star, Mundo, Big Willie and Mil Muertes. Matanza and Rey are in now.
8:42: Mundo in to hit Matanza with an enzugiri. Mil follows with a spear, Sexy follows with a codebreaker and Big Willie hits yet another stunner. They’re going to try to take him out together.
8:43: Matanza takes all the finishers, leaving him alone with Rey. Rey hits the 619, tries it again but gets caught…BUT REVERSES A POWER MOVE AND ELIMINATES MATANZA WITH A FLUKE SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB! The reign of terror is over.
8:45: That was different than most expected from Matanza’s first defeat. I personally have no problem with it. He was attacked by everyone in the match just minutes before and the pin was presented more as him being caught off guard than Rey just out wrestling him. I can see why people would have an issue (looking at you Matt Mortensen) but it doesn’t bug me.
8:48: We’re back from the final commercial break. Rey, Mack, Sexy, Mil and Mundo are the final five. Matanza immediately gets up and beats up Rey, beats up Rick Knox, brings Rey back into the ring and hits the Wrath of the Gods. Mundo should be in any minute to steal that pin!
8:50: Matanza is hitting everything at ringside with a chair and EVEN THROWS DOWN EL JEFE! The Cueto brothers are exploding here!
8:50: As predicted, Mundo pins Rey. Mundo, Sexy, Mil and Mack are left. Well done Big Willie making it to the final four.
8:51: P.J. Black is back, as is Jack Evans to gang attack Sexy. A stretcher has been brought out for Rey, who looks badly hurt. Fans are booing Worldwide Underground as they go off on Sexy and it’s looking hopeless, until…
8:52: IT’S ANGELICO! AND HE’S JUMPING OFF THE ROOF! AND HE’S TAKEN THEM ALL OUT! YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH ANGELICO!
8:52: With Jack and P.J. down and Mundo knocked silly Sexy is able to easily get the pin while Angelico grins. REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD! Mack, Mil and Sexy remain and I just realized Willie Mack may be Lucha Underground Champion in a few minutes. Holy shit.
8:53: Mack is speared by Mil and then puts him down with the Flatliner. So close and yet so far away. It’s down to Mil or Sexy, which means we’re getting either the first two time LU Champion in history or the first woman to hold the LU Championship in history. I need a minute.
8:54: Sexy swinging at Mil with all she’s got, but he’s unphased and puts her down with several stomps and power moves.
8:54: Mil going for a table. This is a mistake. This is the shit that leads to fluke wins Mil.
8:55: Two tables. SEE MY LAST STATEMENT!
8:55: Mil with a chair now as Vamp is freaking out. Mil went for a chokeslam, but Sexy reversed it with DDT onto the chair. She then takes the chair herself and proceeds to BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM WITH IT!
8:56: Sexy must’ve cracked Mil in the head fifteen times there and still only gets a two. They don’t call him the Immortan for nothing.
8:56: Mil has her set up for a spear through the table…she moves! She gets a roll up…and Mil kicks out. Man if that wasn’t a call back to Ivelisse-Mil then I don’t know what is.
8:57: WHAT A RIGHT HAND!
8:57: More tables. MIL! MIL! NOT GOOD!
8:57: Mil taking her to the top rope…he’s going through the table isn’t he?!
8:58: CALLED IT! Mil is in prone position and Sexy...is going to hit him with a double stomp! One, two…HOLY SHIT!!!
9:03: Ladies and gentlemen, in case my screaming didn’t give it away, Sexy Star defeated Mil Muertes following Mil falling through the table and Sexy hitting a double stomp. It was a little lucky but it counts, and it makes Sexy Star the top dog of one of the most popular wrestling promotions in the world. Read that sentence again. As Roman Reigns would say, this is real life.
That was Aztec Warfare III sports fans. Where to begin? I guess the first thing you can say is that this match was spectacular and probably the second best Aztec Warfare ever, behind the first and ahead of the second (though please note neither the first nor this match featured a sequence as good as Matanza’s ten minutes of destruction). The lack of big names in this also allowed several other people to shine that probably wouldn’t have. Kobra Moon came across well. Marty the Moth looked like a main eventer and his interactions with Matanza were some of the most underrated parts of the match. Matanza himself was great. Worldwide Underground were effective rudos. Big Willie Mack got to go all the way to the final three and looked like a legit contender to win. AND BAH GAWD ANGELICO IS BACK AND DIVING OFF OF ROOF TOPS AGAIN! Does this mean I have to do another column comparing all four of his dives now in a Fatal Four Way situation? Red Skull, help me out here.
That's not what I had in mind there Red Skull. Forget about his disapproval, hell forget about everything else from this match (which again was hot fire); none of that matters in the grand scheme because the talking point from here till the ending of the world will be that Sexy Star became the third women to hold a world title for a non women’s wrestling promotion (Nicole Matthews and Princess Kimber Lee were the first) and the first woman to ever hold a world title for a wrestling show that’s televised. From that standpoint it was a really, REALLY cool moment that many people will remember for a long time. Was it a great moment though? I look at it this way; whether you don’t like Sexy Star and felt she was undeserving of this push or you love her and think this was the greatest moment since the sandstorm scene from Mad Max: Fury Road, I can’t imagine anyone walking away from this thinking the booking for this wasn’t well done.
Sure some will say it reeked of LU giving the title to a woman just to do it, but I think that would’ve felt more the case if Sexy had just mowed down the field ala Roman Reigns. Instead she had to scratch and claw to survive, got a little lucky thanks to Angelico and then took advantage of Mil Muertes’ arrogance/weakened state from last week (don’t under sell how important Grave Consequences III played into this match, even if Matt Striker did) to pull out a win. If Chris DeJoseph and the gang could’ve done any better than that then I’d like to see it. So ultimately, whether Sexy is who you wanted for this moment or not, LU delivered the best possible finish they could and have given us yet another memorable moment. Congrats to them and congrats to Sexy Star; by the grace of Grodd may this open the door for the Ivelisse’s, Kobra’s, Sasha Banks’, Becky Lynch’s, Bayley’s, Charlotte’s, Zeuxis’ and countless other talented female wrestlers out there to have this moment someday soon.
And I’m spent. I’m off to arm myself with a bunch of “All These Flavors and You Choose to Be Salty” memes to send to Rob Viper later tonight. Till we meet again, a look at DUCHOVNY’S reaction to the show tonight.