Butler Moves Conferences Again
'Dogs Not Staying Put
In a stunning turn of events, Butler Athletic Director Horace Crandle announced following Butler's 56-48 victory over Texas that the Bulldogs were switching conferences for the fourth consecutive year.
Butler left the Horizon Conference after 2013 season for the Atlantic Ten, but left that conference only a year later for the greener pastures and more lucrative television contract of the Big East. After just one season in the Big East, Butler is jilting that conference as well.
"We've applied for membership in the Ivy League, and received word yesterday, that we were accepted," Crandle said.This news led to a spate of furrowed brows across the northside Indianapolis campus.
"Like, we'll be playing Harvard and shit?" asked Candy Hetherington, freshman from Avon. "I just learned the teams in the Big East, and now that knowledge does me no good," Ms. Hetherington said, while blowing on her recently-painted fingernails.
"Wtf," said Parker Worthingham, sophomore from Brownsburg majoring in Fitness Hygiene.
"Maybe I can transfer to Princeton or Yale now. Or at least, my degree will be worth more," said Mr. Worthington, who holds a 2.228 GPA.
"The Ivy League - son of a bitch! We did it."
Butler's players seemed unfazed by the news.
"Harvard don't mean shit to me," said junior forward Roosevelt Jones. "Line up those eggnogs and I'll knock them down." [Editor's note - we think he meant "egg heads."]
Butler head coach Chris Holtmann was more circumspect.
"I don't know about this. Ivy League students are really smart, ya know? I don't want to go into some gym and hear the student section chanting in Latin or working out polynomial equations on smart boards. That shit creeps me out."
"Besides," Coach Holtmann said, "I wanted to join the SEC. Mississippi State, Alabama, Arkansas, LSU....we'd have been the smartest school by far," he said with a far-away glint of pride in his eyes.
"Kentucky? They can't even spell 'SAT' there!," he said, laughing. "And holy shit. Cousins can legally fuck in Arkansas, but you know what they can't do? Spell!"
"But seriously, if we're not cerebral enough to cope with the rigors of the Ivy League, we've got a golden parachute. We have an application in the works to enter the NBA as an expansion franchise. And you know we'll do it, too."
