CMLL Tuesday Preview: Caveman vs. The Comet
And so it begins; the great CMLL Tuesday preview of our times. Alright that might be hyperbole of the highest order, but what can I say; I’m in a good mood, the Back to the Future version of "Earth Angel" is playing (because WHY NOT?!) and I’ll do what I want! Like write this aforementioned CMLL Tuesday preview, which is pretty much like every other CMLL Tuesday show except for the Match of the Year contender it has in the semi-main event spot. You gotta love CMLL; just when you think they don’t know what they’re doing at all, they reveal that at least one person back there does actually know what they’re doing. Of course that person is promptly suspended and not heard from again for weeks but hey, what can you do? Enough about the business practices of CMLL though; let’s get on with breaking down this card. Moses, just meme it!
Eléctrico & Fantasy vs. Pequeño Nitro & Pequeño Olímpico
What to Expect: Your standard Mini-Estrellas opener! You know, minus Stukita doing cool shit or Demus 3:16 dropping some dude on their skull cap. Still this match will be okay and it’s all because of Fantasy. The man is always good for at least one Spanish Fly per match, and you can never go wrong with one Spanish Fly per match. Beyond that your best hope is that Eléctrico is having one of his good days.
Winners: The technicos take this one in three falls, with Fantasy sealing the deal with something that isn’t a Spanish Fly. Note to Fantasy; you need to just keep using the Spanish Fly all the time. You do it really well and I’m not sure you do anything else that well!
Magnus, Metatrón, Starman vs. Arkángel de la Muerte, Canelo Casas, Nitro
What to Expect: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in awhile, I give you this!
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the great Magnus is making his grand return to a CMLL streamed show! That’s pretty much where the good news ends considering he’s stuck with two old man technicos and a rudo team so terrible that they make the mid 90’s Hartford Whalers look like the mid 2000’s Detroit Red Wings. It’s not pretty folks. Our best hope for this one is that Magnus just goes crazy and/or every member of the rudo team comes down with something prior to this match and is replaced with Puma, Tiger and a Puma/Tiger hybrid we’ll call…Puger? I didn’t think it through enough! Seeing as that last one isn’t happening we should probably just hope Magnus goes nuts. Magnus, my man, if you’re reading this, save this match for all of us will you?
Winners: One day Magnus will defeat Arkángel, discount Heavy Metal and Nitro in the same match. This will not be that day. The rudos inexplicably win in three falls, with Magnus probably be the one who gets pinned. Truly, everything is evil.
Esfinge, Fuego, Tritón vs. Misterioso Jr., Sagrado, Virus
What to Expect: SALVATION! AT LAST! This has a chance to be a good one sports fans. The rudo team is strong, Fuego is cool, Tritón is in the midst of a streak that has made him one of the best luchadors alive and Esfinge is comfortably in his place as this match’s third wheel. The only question I have is whether Misterioso gives the same effort he gave this past Friday when he really clicked with Soberano or if he mails it in. If we get the latter, this will be okay with at least one great Tritón spot. If it’s the former, this could be really good with at least one great Tritón spot. Either way we’re at least getting a great Tritón spot, so you can’t really go wrong.
Winners: This is the sort of match on Tuesday where the technico team should win and instead always loses. It’ll be no different this time around. I say Misterioso submits Fuego and Sagrado hits Esfinge with the One Winged Angel in the third fall to secure a rudo victory. Would you believe me if I told you that Sagrado has hit the One Winged Angel more times this year than Kenny Omega has? I smell a FantasticaMania 2018 match!
Ángel de Oro, Guerrero Maya Jr., Johnny Idol vs. Olímpico, Sam Adonis, Vangellys
What to Expect: If you took away Olímpico and Vangellys and just let Sam Adonis work this match against all three technicos then it would be great. As it stands, it’ll still be a lot of fun, especially since you know Sam is going to get Arena Mexico red in the face the moment that Donald Trump flag sticks its nose out from behind that curtain. The real question is whether or not CMLL’s going to give Sam someone to feud with here or if he’s only allowed to throw down with Marco Corleone every now and then. I say we give him something else to do and (no disrespect to Johnny Idol) let him tangle with either Ángel de Oro or Maya. Oro is a really good luchador when he’s not filming fruit drink commercials shirtless at the zoo and Maya is one of those covert terrific dudes who doesn’t seem like he has a lot in his arsenal, only to then surprise you with brainbusters to the knee and that insane between the ropes senton that guarantees a trip to the third row of Arena Mexico. Hopefully CMLL starts some issue between Sam and one of those two and watches as the money flows in.
Winners: Sadly I don’t see a feud being set up here. I do however see Uncle Sam (get it?!) and his less talented partners winning this in three falls after Adonis submits Idol with the Mutilacion Americana (it’s been awhile since we’ve seen that). All I ask for is that after it’s over Sam drapes the flag over someone. I’m telling you, that’ll get things hotter than Yvonne Strahovski body pain spread Matt Mortensen loses his mind over every few days.
Mexican National Welterweight Championship Match
Rey Cometa (c) vs. Cavernario
What to Expect: The reason CMLL’s YouTube stats will be up by about 1,500 viewers this Tuesday! I know sports fans; haven’t these guys fought like over 9,000 times by now? Surely this can’t be as good as the previous times. WRONG! Not only do these two seem to top themselves every time they work against each other but both are exceptional workers who always bring it when presented a big match. Hell Cavernario has come so far since that hair vs. hair match he and Cometa had in July of last year, and Cav was already an elite luchador then! Trust me when I say there should be no concerns about this match outside of someone getting injured midway through. Short of that this will be spectacular, with at least five wow moments, the potential of a stage dive and at least three instances where you say to yourself “how the hell is CMLL not pushing Rey Cometa more?” The answer; I don’t get it either. He’s like Volador minus the crowd dives and with more tornillos. It’s can’t miss!
Winner: These titles matches are always so interesting to predict. Cometa hasn’t even held this belt (which he won from Cavernario) for a year; in fact this will be the first time he’s defended it since winning. Normal logic and even CMLL logic suggests he retains. The problem is that everyone and their brother seems to believe Cavernario is winning this match. Why? Beats me, they just do, and considering some of these people are smarter than me it leads me to believe they know something I don’t. In any case, I’ll be picking Cometa, both to be different than the rest and because this is CMLL; just when you think you have the answers, you learn that they haven’t even handed you the right test!
Marco Corleone, Máximo Sexy, Volador Jr. vs. Mr. Niebla, Rey Bucanero, Terrible
What to Expect: The only drama here is how soon can these guys get in and out so they can make their reservation. Let’s be real peeps; even with talented dudes like Máximo, Volador and Terrible involved there’s no way these guys attempt to follow what’s going to be a potential Match of the Year contender happening before it. There’s a better chance of CM Punk and Bryan Danielson headlining the Anniversary Show this year. So look for there to be a lot of comedy from Máximo and Niebla, maybe one dive from Volador and three quick falls to send us packing. That’s fine; we’ll already have gotten our money’s worth in the last match. Of course we’ll also have thrown our money’s worth back into the ring because it’ll be so good but that’s neither here nor there.
Winners: Technicos win in three falls, with Volador hitting Terrible with a Backbreaker and Máximo pinning Niebla after a kiss. Please drive home safe everyone!
Boy wasn’t that fun?! I’ll have at least one more column later today and one may just be about Lucha Underground and Netflix. You’ll have to wait and see! Till we meet again, time for THE MYSTERY MEME! Who can resist its call?