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CMLL Puebla: Clash of the Champions
Another Monday night has retreated into the wilderness and with it is another edition of CMLL Puebla. But hey, for once the Monday show wasn’t a complete bore from top to bottom. Oh it was difficult to get through, especially matches 1 and 2, which I’m pretty sure left me in a state somewhere between half asleep and Adrian Balboa in Rocky II. But after that the show was fun, with the two hyped up title matches delivering the goods, even if they weren’t the greatest things in the world. Then again, what can reach the status of Francis Ford Coppola’s unreleased script Megalopolis, Garbage Time with Katie Nolan and Bad Religion’s “I Want to Conquer the World”? Ponder all that while you read this review. Moses, get your meme on.
Ares & Perverso defeated Centella Roja & Hijo de Centella Roja two falls to one
This match was so lame that I actually started the write up for it before the match was over. Don’t worry; like me, you’re not missing anything from me doing so. Sure this match was hurt a little bit by the distracting Three’s Company remake starring Bray Wyatt, Finn Balor and Bray Wyatt again as his dead sister (somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is giving a stern look) but that’s no excuse for this match being a colossal bore. Let me sum it all up for you; the Centella Roja’s tried for a few moments before going into hibernation. Ares tried hard and failed because, well, the only thing Ares has going for him is that he looks happy to be booked. And Perverso was so nonexistent in this match that I wouldn’t doubt he disappeared to the back at one point to down a hot dog and Tirantes’ Pepsi. There’s not one single solitary thing I’ll take away from this match and the only good thing I could say about it is that it was over before 10:25. Can you imagine if Fuerza Chicana and Guerrero Especial were in it? We’d still be watching them attempt their “classic lucha libre” style while praying for the sweet mercy of Uwe Boll’s next motion picture.
El Malayo & Fuerza Chicana defeated Lestat & Millenium two falls to one
Speaking of Fuerza Chicana, here he was smelling up the bathroom like Craig Paul was in it. That’s right; this match was so bad that I had to use a quote from Limp Bizkit’s shitty “Rollin” remix. I’m almost tempted to break out The Simpsons “at least you tried!” picture for Lestat and Millenium, because they were working their asses off in this match and did break out some cool stuff. Of course their double team offense made me want to stab my eyes out with the ears on my Batman bobblehead doll, so I think the praise gets canceled out for that alone. At least they were trying though. Malayo only had one decent spot in the match (turning a Lestat rana into a submission) before he ran back into the abyss and Fuerza Chicana was so useless I kept expecting him to take off his mask and reveal himself as Arkángel de la Muerte. You know you suck when I’m comparing you to that guy. Making things even worse is that CMLL actually put that team over, because why reward good effort (if not quite crisp work) when you can put over the disappearing man and the lucha libre equivalent of Tim McCarver? I cannot put over how dumb this match was, and the only thing saving it from the despair that was match one was Lestat and Millenium giving a good effort. Well that and me getting to make my “A THOUSAND YEARS IS OVAH!” joke when Millenium came out. Somewhere, Chris Carter is thrilled both that someone remembers that line and the TV show Millennium. Only until I can get my lobotomy scheduled Chris; then I’m wiping that AND the last episode of The X-Files season ten out of my head.
Asturiano, Eléctrico, Stukita defeated Guerrero Especial, Joker, Mercurio two falls to one
I’ll be honest; I’m not sure if this match was honest to Grodd good or if it just seemed that way because the first two matches were like listening to Green Day’s Uno!, Dos! And Tres! in succession. Actually, does it really matter? I would’ve taken Reyna Isis vs. Skadi after those last two matches, so this one being good/passable is A-Okay by me. Plus it allowed me to make the comparison to those three shitty Green Day albums that ruined the group and sent Billie Joe Armstrong to rehab. That wasn’t happening if this match was a third straight disaster; then I’d just be cracking wise about every M. Night Shyamalan movie after Mel Gibson told Joaquin to swing away.
As I was saying, I enjoyed this match! Regardless of the reason it was significantly better than the first two matches from an in ring work perspective and was never not interesting. Sure the best part may have been Stukita’s mask and the fact that Asturiano looked like he had a pulse for the first time in a year. But as Mr. Gibbs once said in the cinematic classic Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, take what you can and give nothing back. Thus I’m taking Asturiano’s resurgence, Stukita’s mask, Stukita’s three moonsaults, Joker’s always consistent work and Eléctrico’s ability to look like a world class luchador one moment and a complete goof the next (seriously, can someone tell him to stop doing the 619?!) and choosing to ignore the rest. One thing that shouldn’t be ignored; Fuerza Chicana’s lackey Guerrero Especial not only didn’t suck in this match but he actually looked like a competent base! I know; I nearly fainted myself. If CMLL doesn’t wise up and realize that this is Guerrero’s rightful place in the world…actually I got nothing. Honestly, are we really going to be shocked by CMLL making a wrong decision? It’s CMLL, the same place that looks at a guy like Star Jr. and says “have him put over Arkángel. Gotta keep that old bastard strong dammit!”
Arena Coliseo Tag Team Championship Match
El Cuatrero & Sansón (c) defeated Esfinge & Stigma two falls to one
For about two falls I was watching this match and thinking about how I was going to rake all four of these guys over the coals. Seriously; it was that boring. Esfinge was looking like he always does (the disappointing third wheel), Stigma was going as hard as he can and Cuatrero and Sansón were both surprisingly disappointing. It had all the makings of a box office bomb; then the technicos hit two suicide dives, followed by the rudos hitting suicide dives of their own. Just like that the switch flipped. It was like going from Parks and Rec season one to Parks and Rec seasons 2-7; suddenly the crowd was into it, the pace was quickening and the guys were working their ass off. I don’t know if it was enough to make this a great match, but it certainly was enough to make this an entertaining watch and one of the better third falls in awhile (Soberano v. Cavernario not withstanding). Big ups to all the guys. It’s very difficult to make a match work to begin with and even more so when you’re working from behind. But these guys stepped up in the third fall to make this an exciting conclusion; it was even fun to watch Esfinge, and that’s not a statement I make lightly! If anything though I think we’ll look back at this as another test passed by the Dinamitas. They’ve proven they can be good with anyone and tonight showed they can be good in any situation.
Carístico, Mistico, Volador Jr. defeated El Terrible, Mephisto, Rey Bucanero two falls to one
If we’re judging this based on building up heat for Carístico-Volador this Friday then this match was a complete success. If not…well it was a nice exhibition at times! I must say that the announced Carístico-Volador match has both guys looking more motivated; they weren’t reinventing the wheel in this match but both guys looked a lot more focused and interested than they usually do on a Monday night. It didn’t hurt that they worked a lot with Terrible, who was doing some of the best basing for arm drags I’ve seen in quite awhile. Other than those moments though (and Mistico doing some cool stuff with Mephisto), this match was basically the guys doing some good stuff in between taking it easy, with Rey Rey Buc doing his best to drag this down to the bottom of the ocean where it could rest right next to Navarro and El Dorado. No wonder the Carístico-Volador build was the best part! Am I the only one starting to think this might end up being CMLL’s match of the year by the way? The guys look focused, the crowd will be seriously energized and the post match beat down after the match from Volador and Mistico seemed quite promising. I’m just saying sports fans; I’m quite optimistic about that one.
CMLL World Heavyweight Championship Match
Marco Corleone (c) defeated Rush two falls to one
Dare I say this was the best performance Rush has had in CMLL since…when was that match he had with Atlantis in Puebla again? April? May? Who cares; this was the best since then, which isn’t saying much considering most of Rush’s recent (CMLL) performances have been like every Bon Jovi concert since the 1980’s ending. And that man says he has the power to turn back time. If that were true Jon, you’d have gone back to prevent us all from hearing the disasterpiece known as “It’s My Life”, a song only good for ironic purposes and inexplicably Aerostar’s entrance music.
Anyways, this match was quite good and a lot of it goes to CMLL’s booking, aka “Things I Never Thought I’d Say” for $500 Alex! It began with a tug of war that somehow made Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns’ tug look even worse, followed by Rush winning the battle and nailing Marco with the belt for a DQ BEFORE THE MATCH EVEN BEGAN! When the hell has that ever happened in CMLL? That immediately got this match points for its unique start and things just kept growing from there; Rush looked like the best version of himself (wide eyed, unpredictable and prepared to hit Marco with a fan if he had to) destroying Marco through the crowd, with Marco fighting back valiantly in fall three after getting his ass kicked throughout fall two. Even Tirantes, the human fuck up machine, wasn’t terrible in this match, primarily because it made sense for him to try and screw over Rush after the rudo tried to end Tirantes several times (much to the delight of everyone in Arena Puebla and watching at home). It all combined to get the crowd super into this match (that and Marco’s intensity in the third fall) and it led to a pretty good match, with Marco defending the title successfully yet again by planting Rush with the Mark of Excellence (somewhere, old Mark Jindrak fan boys were marking out over that). Is it just me or is the Marco Corleone Heavyweight Title reign turning into a resounding success? This is now the fourth or fifth time he’s had a title defense and each time he’s brought the effort, the fire and delivered a pretty good match. See CMLL; this is what happens when you reward loyal, hardworking dudes who deserved things years ago. Note that this is your cue to start pushing dudes like Magnus and Star Jr. more!
And scene. I’m out like Jimmy Jacobs after a selfies sports fans, but I’ll return tomorrow to preview the finale of Ultima Lucha Tres, perhaps review tomorrow’s CMLL Tuesday show and…maybe do other stuff. Depends on my mood. Till we meet again, THIS!