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CMLL Puebla Preview: Fear and Loathing

Updated on November 27, 2016

Let’s get the cat out of the bag right away sports fans; no I have not been taking another hiatus. I know it’s seemed like that considering I’ve been away since my Lucha Underground review dropped early Thursday morning but that’s not the case. I simply took the day off on Thursday because it was Thanksgiving, couldn’t review Friday’s CMLL show because Claro Sports inexplicably made the stream unavailable for myself and numerous others and was given nothing to write about yesterday because it was Saturday and lucha shows on Saturday are either a) not streamed or b) much like Josh Hartnett’s acting ability are nonexistent. So it wasn’t a vacation, it was just circumstances; why I’m explaining this to at most 30 readers beats me but I thought you’d like to know. And with that we can now get back to normal, which sadly involves me previewing a CMLL Puebla show that looks (Immortan Joe voice) MEDIOCRE. Certainly there could be a few good things, but looking at this card I’m filled with two feelings; one of sameness and one of dread because the lone unpredictable part of the card could lead to something so mind numbingly bad that my brain is having trouble functioning as we speak. I may mispel several differint words before this paragraph is ovah…oh bloody hell. You see? Maybe I do need that vacation. But first, let’s get through this. Moses, meme to the wheel.

Black Tiger, Meyer, Vega vs. Ares, Guerrero Espacial, Sombra Diabólika

What to Expect: I look at this match and I feel my time would best be served by listening to Konnan playing the kazoo for the amount of time this match will take up. And yes, it’s the Black Tiger/Ares/Guerrero Espacial trio that gives me no hope. Better then the Centella Roja clan I suppose. Here’s hoping that Meyer and Vega, two luchadors not stuck in slumming Ben Kingsley mode unlike the rest, have something for us and that Sombra Diabólika shows that last week’s debut wasn’t just flashes and is the start of something pretty good. Then again he too is apparently in his late 40’s now, which means he may be going all Kingsley in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, by the five minute mark.

Winners: Black Tiger actually can buy a win for his technico team here or there, but the fact remains I’m still in doubt with this opener and you know what that means. The rudos win in three falls.

Estrellita, Princesa Sugehit, Sanely vs. Amapola, La Seductora, Tiffany

What to Expect: There’s an alternate universe out there where CMLL has wisely booted Tiffany for Zeuxis and this match suddenly has a chance. We sadly don’t live in that world, which means you’re probably better off running from this bout as fast as you can. If you don’t, then like me, you’re probably lost. Although I guess it’s also possible you watching means you’re hoping Sugehit and Sanely have great nights, Tiffany and Seductora get lost on the way to Puebla or Amapola works the entire match herself to make it semi passable. In that case not only are you lost but you may be insane. Excuse me while I go check into my padded cell.

Winners: Estrellita will win it for the technicas. Why? Sum it up for us Vince.

Esfinge, Fuego, Stigma vs. Puma, Skándalo, Tiger

What to Expect: A quick glance at this match makes me want to burst into the chorus of “There’s a Light Over at the Frankenstein Place”…then I see Skándalo’s name and it’s as though you’ve just found out Rocky Horror is being remade by the same people who thought Glee was a good idea. Of course even with the walking log involved this match could still be very good. All it requires is Skándalo doing very little, Puma and Tiger being on their game and the two technicos not named Fuego (who’s fine even when he’s on cruise control) to have one of their better days. Is it possible? Sure. Is it likely? Considering Tiger and Puma are the only ones we know won’t be coasting, Skándalo, the inconsistency of two of the technicos and Skándalo again, I wouldn’t count on it.

Winners: The rudos, and for once they actually deserve to win. Well not Skándalo but the other two at least. They take it in three after a super cool double team from Puma and Tiger.

Diamante Azul, Johnny Idol, Máximo Sexy vs. Kráneo, Ripper, Shocker

What to Expect: Only in CMLL could two matches go from so right to so wrong this quickly. Even with Diamante Azul here, who I will once again stress isn’t nearly as badly as people claim and has the most unfair rep since Eric Bana after Hulk and Troy, the technico team is fairly strong thanks to Máximo Idol. All CMLL would need to do is give them a decent rudo team and we’d be off to the races. Instead we get Kráneo having to slum it with Shocker and the livelier than usual but still mostly lifeless corpse known as Ripper. Come on CMLL; you couldn’t have worked up the guts to call Terrible in to replace one of those guys? It’s like writing the greatest rap song ever and then picking Pitbull to do guest vocals over anyone else with a pulse.

Here’s the even bigger thing to be concerned about sports fans; Diamante and Shocker were both involved in the trios main event from a week ago where they spent a decent amount of time interacting. Combine that with nothing else on this show appears to be leading to next week (not counting the main event, and even that’s a stretch) and it’s very possible this match is being used to set up Diamante vs. Shocker one on one for next week, a match that puts the tize in traumatize. Dear CMLL; please don’t do this. I’m the biggest Diamante defender you can find, but even I know that he needs the right opponent to play to his strengths in singles (and even then it doesn’t always work out; see Rush) and Shocker isn’t that guy. So please, don’t set up this match and instead let Diamante Monkey Flip and toss dudes around while Johnny gets some cool spots in and Máximo does Máximo. If all that comes together, Shocker tries hard, Ripper shows a pulse and Kráneo is Kráneo then this match may just work. It won’t if the goal is set up Diamante-Shocker. The only people who’d buy tickets are those who’d then burn them live via YouTube stream. Please note I may or may not be one of those people.

Winners: I must be chatting with Rob Viper too much these days because I’m thinking we’re getting the set up to the match no one wants folks. Look for numerous Shocker-Diamante standoffs throughout the match and ultimately Shocker fouling Diamante to give the technicos the DQ finish. There will then be challenges made and challenges accepted, followed by me quoting Jeff Goldblum from The Lost World: Jurassic Park right before the T-Rex knocks his giant ass trailer over the cliff; “Hang on, this is gonna be bad.”

Mistico, Valiente, Volador Jr. vs. Gran Guerrero, La Máscara, Último Guerrero

What to Expect: I’d be far more confident in this match if we were in Arena Mexico or if it didn’t feel like these teams had just clashed a few weeks ago (they did, only with Euforia in UG’s place). Seriously CMLL, is there no one knew for these guys to face? We couldn’t have let Puma, Tiger and Negro Casas get a shot at this team here, something that would’ve been far more exciting? The best case scenario here is that they treat this like an exhibition and let the Sky Team just go crazy or if there’s a singles match being set up between Volador and Máscara, which is at least different and significantly newer than Volador-UG would be at this point. Will it be either of those? Who knows; let’s just hope it’s one of them and that CMLL decides to come up with more creative matches from this point forward.

Winners: I say this is an exhibition, which means the technicos win in three falls following Volador doing something pretty cool. We’ll breathe a sigh of relief before realizing Diamante-Shocker is a week away. Maybe another writing vacation is in order for me!

This is the end, beautiful friends. I’ll be back tomorrow with some CMLL Tuesday talk, a review of this show here and maybe other stuff. I’ve been thinking of bringing the Failbag back actually, so if you have any questions for me send them via feedback, Twitter (@CultIcon), Facebook (Eric Mutter), wherever! Till then or the next time you read, always remember to get down and DUCHOVNY!

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