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CMLL Tuesday Review: Bite Night

Updated on August 23, 2016

Let the record show that it took every bone in my body to keep me from using Social Distortion’s “I Was Wrong” for this column. That’s right folks; yet again CMLL took what looked to be a boring show on paper and thoroughly entertained me from open to close. Well except for the Ripper match but you can’t win ‘em all as they say right? Everything else after that was action packed, fun and in the case of the main event further paved the road to the Anniversary Show AND potentially a huge match next week. I may be the only excited for that granted but so what? At least I’m having a good time. But enough about good times, let’s talk about…good times? DAMMIT CULT! Moses just get the meme out here. I’m too disgusted with myself to talk.

Akuma & Artillero defeated Bengala & Leono two falls to one

Yet again I have to eat crow after calling out the opening match of a CMLL show. It’s like they’re just waiting for me to criticize them so they can then go out and make me look worse than Mike Matheny in the 8th inning of a close game. It wasn’t anything special in the end but the effort was pristine from all four men, with Bengala once again deciding to turn up the jets for an impressive performance. Hell even Artillero decided to do something tonight; his submission to put away the second fall was by far the best thing I’ve ever seen him do. Hell it’s the best thing about him aside from his Major Payne style outfit. Unless you’re just really bothered by matches with no significance once it’s over, this bout was just fine. Just think; it could’ve been last night’s opener. And now come the shivers of disgust.

Fantasy, Shockercito, Stukita defeated Mercurio, Pequeño Olímpico, Pequeño Violencia two falls to one

Let’s get the criticisms out of the way right now; what the hell was up with all of that Mercurio biting? Every time you looked around the dude was trying to sink his teeth into something, most notably Fantasy? Did Fantasy bite him once or something? Is Mercurio just a cannibal? I’m thinking it’s more just his shtick and he went way too over the top trying to do it tonight. There’s a time for comedy Mercurio; you trying to bite your way to it every five seconds isn’t it. If I wanted to see humorous scenarios where someone got bit I’d just go watch one of those hilarious Twilight films again. Not even Chris Rock in his prime rolls out the laughs like those flicks.

Aside from Mercurio and his hungry eyes this match was, as the kids call it, DYNOMITE! In fact I’d say this (along with the semi-main event) was a top contender for Match of the Evening and maybe even the Match of the Week barring me being impressed with a second Mistico-Cavernario viewing. Yes it’s not leading anywhere afterwards but this was nonstop action throughout with the technicos looking oh so snug in their performance. Fantasy got to hit a pretty sick dive in the third fall and looked impressive despite largely being in the background. Stukita, unlike his first match back in Arena Mexico a few Friday’s ago, looked ready to go from the start and was his typical electrifying self. And seriously, when can we replace Shocker with Shockercito already? Not many people can move like this guy does and not many people his size have the strength he does, as evident by him submitting Olímpico (much better than his larger double by the way) with a standing chicken wing like move. And that’s after Mercurio nearly kicked his face all the way to Rhode Island in the second fall, the best thing Biting Man did all match. All that was left was for the rudos to just show up and give effort and that’s what they did. Great match, even with the biting. Dammit now I want to bite something. See what you do to people Mercurio?!

Lluvia, Marcela, Princesa Sugehit defeated Dalys, Tiffany, Zeuxis two falls to one

This was a good match that should’ve been even better. Why wasn’t it you ask; because for some reason CMLL was obsessed with pairing Lluvia and Tiffany together as much as possible. Don’t ask me why they did this. Lluvia is just fine and at times can be really good with the right opponent; the problem is Tiffany isn’t that and their interactions really dragged down the match. In fact nothing sums that up more than when Tiffany and Lluvia were going at it in the ring while Zeuxis and Dalys squared off with Marcela and Sugehit on the outside. Who did the crowd pay attention to? Like you even have to ask. Even with that the match still worked relatively good, to the point that even Zeuxis getting submitted by Sugehit afterwards didn’t bother me too much. Alright it killed me but hey what can you do? At least we’ll always have those UNBELIEVABLE KNEE ATTACKS Zeuxis delivered in this match. Holy shit guys and gals did you see those? I don’t even love Pizza Pringles as much as I love that attack. On a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, Zeuxis’ knee attacks are a straight up RAMMING SPEEED!

You knew it was coming!
You knew it was coming!

Lightning Match

Stuka Jr. defeated Ripper

If you thought CMLL switching out Blue Panther for Stuka Jr. would help this match, boy oh boy you’d be wrong. Count me into that category. As it turns out this match probably would’ve suited Panther a lot more than Stuka as Ripper, predictable as ever, was yet again completely and utterly lifeless. Oh he did give an effort and towards the end of the match even left his feet a few times, occasions that left me reaching for the sky and preparing to meet the great Cthulhu in the dark abyss. But he was just so Ripper throughout the beginning part of the match that it was impossible to get into it afterwards, even when he attempted to go for the big moves. Oh well; at least Stuka was able to do his thing and most importantly won. I’d say that was never in doubt considering Stuka is a Ring of Honor star now but you can just never tell with CMLL. No matter; the only question I have coming out of this is when can we start referring to Stuka as “The Lightning Man”? Hey when you win two Lightning Matches in a row it has to be considered. Plus I’ve got a whole list of jokes and potential memes lined up just for the occasion!

Rey Cometa, Blue Panther, Titán defeated Bobby Z, Morphosis, Olímpico two falls to one

Turns out the Lightning Match’s loss was the semi-mains gain, with Blue Panther and his majestic match structuring skills replacing Súper Porky to deliver at least co Match of the Evening honors. And you could tell Panther was in charge here, with weak links Morphosis and Olímpico being kept out of the picture (there were times I refreshingly forgot they were in the match) while Panther, Cometa, Titán and Bobby “freakin” Z controlled the tempo. I’d dare say they delivered. It was excellent to see Bobby Z finally let loose. We saw glimpses of it last Friday in the third fall of his trios match but his sequences unfortunately got overshadowed by the continued Rey Bucanero-Súper Crazy blood feud. Not so tonight; Bobby was front and center at almost every turn, showing off that underrated athleticism and even a bit of a mean streak at times. The technicos did well to compliment him. I’d still like to see Cometa more active than he was tonight but he was flashy when needed and the performance of Titán, who seemed to be flying around every moment of this match, more than made up for the lack of Cometa. And of course you can’t say enough about Blue Panther. He may be older but he’s still the perfect ball of energy with such technical master class that Bret Hart could learn a thing or two from him. Huge credit goes to him for a) probably being responsible for laying this bad boy out and b) looking every bit as active and exciting as the kids some twenty to thirty years younger than him did tonight. What more can I say about this match? Tremendous!

Euforia, Niebla Roja, Último Guerrero defeated Máximo Sexy, Valiente, Volador Jr. two falls to none

This match was on the way to seriously challenging the semi-main and the second match for Match of the Evening status before storyline obligations cut this short. Even still this match was fun and fast right out of the gate with Volador and the UG attacking each other up the ramp. What you have to love about this match too is how different it is than the standard fair. The Guerreros can be a little too by the book at times but here you got to see why they’re so great; they managed to both make the rudo beat down entertaining and unique by allowing Volador to get his explosive offense in on UG even as Valiente and Maximo failed to hang with Euforia and Roja. It was a nice breath of fresh air that allowed the rudo gang attack to remain swell even into fall two before the technicos started to make their comeback. I’d be remiss if I didn’t say this though; perhaps Maximo should stick to the Kiss and leave the suicide dive back at the house. I appreciate the effort but compared to Valiente’s dive (which looked like it flattened both him and Roja) Maximo’s dive was about as effective as Ricky Vaughn’s fastball.

Of course you don’t care about all those details; what you want to hear is about the ending, which saw Volador superkick the UG right into the referee (and yes, of course it was Tirantes) which led to UG low blowing Volador and then faking like he got low blowed! Did this work? Of course it did! It may not make that much sense when you think about it too long but I loved the ending and I loved the continued thread of UG outsmarting Volador to pull out victories week after week. Hell the only thing I loved more than that was UG then SELLING the fake low blow afterwards; that was some Ten Commandments level comedy if I ever saw it there! You gotta give your hats off to that, both because it helps build more heat for the Trios Titles match at the Anniversary Show and because it looks like UG and Volador will meet again next week in Tuesday in one on one action. That’s the win, the whole win AND NOTHING BUT THE WIN every time in my book. If the match is even half of what their Puebla match last month was we are in for a real treat, not to mention a great reward for UG after he was forced to carry Shocker for weeks on end. Remember that? Pepperidge Farm remembers, and they aren’t happy about it either.

And with that, silence. I’ll be back later tonight folks with…I can’t say. It’s a surprise. A good one I hope. Till then, ENJOY YOURSELVES!

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What was your favorite match from tonight's CMLL Tuesday show?

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