Confessions of a First-Time Marathon Runner
Writer's note . . . I can just visualize the HubPages editors when reading this hub. They look amazed. One finally says, "This Avery character has now went to writing vicariously through a fictitious person. He has changed from the "list of" hubs." If this hub gets that kind of reaction, then a Editor's Pick is just a click away. Thanks, Kenneth
How this nightmare began.
Curse that "Hal Newberry." He was the jerk who first got me interested in running marathons. What in creation was I thinking? I mean, in my time I have pulled some really stupid stunts. Some didn't end well. But college life is a different animal. She promised me that she was 18. Oh well.
I used to idolize my distance running idol, Jim Ryan, the first man to run the four-minute mile. Now I hate that guy. I am not an athlete. Why did that "Newberry" say that I would fit right in when it came to running 5K and 10K marathons? Maybe alcohol was the reason his tongue started flapping at lunch that day. I would stop this foolishness of getting up at this ungodly hour of four in the morning, dressing in this sissy things like silk shorts that cut my butt like a knife as I take each stride down the wet sidewalk. And these name-brand runner's shoes that I paid $500.00 for just to run from four a.m. until 6 a.m. six days a week . . .and for what? Nothing.
So here I am.
Fighting sleep and trying to stick to this running which was not my idea. But enough about "Hal Newberry." I just pray that I get back home in time to catch a nap before I head to work. I hate this running with a fiery passion. I know it. My wife and kids know it, and somehow I think "Hal" was simply pulling a prank on me when he urged me to, as he said, "add years to your life," by taking up running. He even said most of the country is into running. Funny. I am the only idiot I see out here in this annoying fog. I wish Jack the Ripper would lunge out at me. At least that would be "some" excitement.
So as I clod along, I think about certain things just to cope with how stupid I can be. As a kid, my best friend, "Ned Duke," talked me into going to this Halloween party and he gave me a costume idea of going as Casper the Friendly Ghost. Well, "Ned," pulled the prank of pranks on me because it was not a Halloween party, but a formal get-together at his home. Man, did his folks laugh at me along with the rest of the people dressed in tuxedos and formals.
I want to if I may, allow the thoughts I think while punishing myself on this hard sidewalk to get recorded so you, the reader, who might be a bit bored, to read and just maybe, get a laugh or two.
You can run with me
as I start another thought process to help me stay awake, if nothing else, and I call this unusual project . . .
Confessions of a First-Time Marathon Runner
"There's that 'Mr. Ballston,' who retired from the post office last month. Why does he have to hide behind the shrubbery in his front yard? I think it's been him chunking rocks at me just to see me almost stumble and fall. The creep."
"I bet my wife is now waking up, stretching, and enjoying a hot cup of coffee. And you know something? I bet she is flirting with the single neighbor, "Tom LeDeux," who just moved in last week. I am not a jealous or suspicious man, but every time I return from a torture session like this one, she always has "this" smile on her lips."
"Has it just been half an hour?"
"I am so glad that three years ago I gave up smoking cigarettes. Yes, sir. Those things are killers alright. Oh, how I wish I could smoke one now. Watch it, you fool. Do not think like this. Focus on how great this running is helping me. You bet."
"Maybe that "Milly," girl will be out in her yard when I run by. I heard that her divorce became final a week ago and man, she is one great-looking gal to be 35."
"I love rabbits."
"Whatever happened to "Re-Run" from "What's Happening?" I loved that show."
"Oh,my butt! These silk shorts have got to go. I have got scars covering my butt. What a laugh my doctor would get if I let him look at them." "He would try not to laugh, but he is a weak man when it comes to making fun of me, so he would break down and ask, "Did your misses get upset with you and turn you over her knee and use a belt on your butt?"
"My friends, including him, are all jerks."
"That Tom LeDeux is a jerk also for always wearing those tight sport shirts and showing-off his tight stomach. What an ego."
"And stop. Now to get my breath and start my trek, or quest as it were, back home. I can just taste the coffee and Carnation Instant Breakfast now."
"My stars, my feet feel like a ton of lead."
"Uh, oh! Wait! There's that 'Milly,' the divorcee. Wow what a nice dress. Maybe I will suck-in my tummy as I run by and she will smile at me."
"Reckon half a cigarette would hurt?"
"At least I can be grateful that "Ned," didn't get me into skateboarding."
"What was that I just stepped in?"
"Is 'Milly' behind me? I will pretend to have a sprained ankle so she will stop. No. That will lead me into more trouble."
"I wish God had made me to look like Robert Conrad. I loved the "Wild, Wild, West."
"Stupid old man, 'Mr. Ballston,' another rock that almost got me in the head."
"I wish I were 22 again."
"Is that my house up ahead? Why is my chest hurting so much?"
"I've been doing this running thing now going on two weeks."
"Thank you for reading my hubs, but now I have to run!"