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DEBARTALO STRIKES BACK, VOL. 1 -- History of the Superbowl Part 24
This particular hub might be in two parts.
The Weinstein company and I were in negotiations over funding to complete my latest homage to spaghetti westerns, kung-fu, and samurai films, and they agreed at long last.
The deal is that we have to do two volumes.
But in the end, Bill, the Dallas Cowboys, will be killed. I promise.
These next two hubs feature the last big victories of Bill, before Uma Holmgren can adequately complete his training with the NFC-funded swords that Hattori Debartalo have provided...and relate it to the proper AFC hand-to-hand combat as once ingrained in him by Pai Walsh.
The key -- the five-point-palm-explosive-heart-technique -- becomes what we're going to discuss FIRST.
What I'm about to tell you WOULD be top secret, but hell.
The fact was that with Dallas now the champs, teams were naturally examining their weakspots in order to possess the proper pitch over the phone for their scam internet sites.
On these sites, to the players, was the understanding that let's not forget something --
Michael Irvin went to Miami.
Miami players were felons.
Why else does one slave for Jimmy Johnson?
In other words -- where else would they go if they happened to be cut?
But this posed a problem.
What do you do about the 10 percent of Jimmy Johnson's teams that are in fact good enough to play anywhere?
Such as Michael Irvin?
They break the law in some form of another.
Loud AFC players do it for the press and the puss.
Loud NFC players...are deliberate fuck-ups.
Why else would they do what's not allowed when they're already benefitting from what they hope to garner from said shit talk and touchdown dances?
Sooner or later, Michael Irvin and those all-stars will end up caught with cocaine and prostitutes.
NFL lockerrooms are filled with guys who remember the glory days.
Days in high school and college when they were invincible, perceived as invincible, percieved as ultra-special.
And now they're just overgrown children who will retire as the only 40 year olds at the banquet who have crutches and can't even hold a pen without getting blurred vision and a headache.
They know the route that drug-users get started from.
With a guy like Michael Irvin -- one thing is for certain -- that guy has lots and lots and lots of GREAT FREAKING MEMORIES.
That means that once the downturn comes, he will AMPLIFY THE DOSAGE.
All you have are memories afterall, as these NFL players on sub-.500 teams can attest.
Nobody in the stands or in the reporters boxes gives a shit that they broke the East Louisiana track record six times.
They care that Michael Irvin's Cowboys are living the dream while 27 other teams aren't.
Because the Cowboys were very clearly filled with guys typically segregated by NFC accountants, finding picking-points when it came to them was literally page 2 of the handbook.
Yet when it came to the dismantling of the 90s Cowboys, this was only step one.
Step two was in the very practices of the Cowboys themselves.
I refer you to a film called "Varsity Blues" (1999) about a Texas football team.
In it, the whole story is about the white quarterback.
Once the star quarterback goes down, the back-up quarterback, Johnny Mox, comes in and does brilliantly.
Good, says Texas. For we don't have to worry now.
For nobody pays a lick of attention to the one who's actually getting their offense in position for the white quarterback to shine without people on his ass all day --
The starting tailback. Who's African-American.
In this Dawsons' Creek presentation of North Dallas Forty, the black running back tells Mox about how it's funny that he's got over a thousand rushing yards a year and a grand total of three touchdowns.
When the ball gets close to the goalline, the coach, Bud Kilmer, has the white quarterback typically run sweeps and stuff.
Thereby the face of the highlights of the team -- is always a white face.
This would make the running back, in his words and correctly so -- "Kilmer's black workhorse".
This in a nutshell is a duo of screenwriters trying to illustrate to the Dawsons Creek crowd the nature of the history of Texas football culture.
Leaking all the way down to high school, Tex Scramm and Tom Landry...did pretty much the same thing.
Who's gonna accuse them of knowing this? I'm just saying.
Well before we dismiss this claim however, let's take a quick glance at Superbowl 20 with the Bears.
Walter Payton didn't score a touchdown.
They were at the freaking goalline about forty times.
It was always elected to give it to McMahon...
Unless it was for the white tailback Matt Suhey.
So Payton doesn't score a touchdown, and Ditka claims he wasn't even thinking about it.
Not even thinking about it.
Remember where Ditka came from? Who he learned under? That's right. Dallas. Tom Landry.
Why else does Calvin Hill go to Hawaii when he's the star Dallas tailback? Ah? Maybe so he could be appreciated for once?
Well this second dynamic will turn out to be the actual pressure points that Uma will hit...long before the actual chops with the hand.
It happens IMMEDIATELY after the Superbowl win.
The pressure points simply...become known.
Emmitt Smith, having a great eight months as a Superbowl champion and the big dawg of the Earth, struts into Jerry Jones's office and tells him hey...
it's time for a raise, baby.
Who's the highest paid player in the NFL?
Who did I just out-do in the Superbowl?
Give ya five seconds.
It's time, thus, to make me the highest paid player in the NFL.
Emmitt...doesn't get it.
So Emmitt holds out.
For Emmitt, a veteran of the SEC, was well aware of the workhorse dynamic as seen in Varsity Blues.
Owners can mess with Pippen when they're in Chicago. They don't make one immediately think of slaveowner.
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys would end up telling the best coaches, particularly the ones in the AFC -- these businessmen are going to want all the credit soon, just like any artist.
These people are not going to be able to stand united if Jerry Jones is going to be Jerry Krause when it comes to who's responsible for the championships.
Jimmy Johnson, the big tool coach, is going to want credit. Just like any cool coach.
Add to this, what about the players themselves?
The Cowboys offensive line is going to want credit because they're the ones giving Irvin and Harper all day to run downfield.
So the season gets underway, and play the Bills in Week 2.
Cowboys have already lost on Monday night in Washington without Emmitt.
Now they're going to play the team they beat 52-14.
Lin Elliott misses a few field goals, including the 30 yarder I was telling you about.
The Cowboys look like they're gonna tie if not win. Twenty seconds left, they trail by 3, they're in the Bills redzone, Aikman goes back to the pass and FRANK DARBY OF THE BILLS INTERCEPTS IT!!!
THE GAME IS OVER!!!
The Bills win 13-10. They're now 2-0, and the Cowboys without Emmitt Smith are 0-2.
The Cowboys, for these first two games, would start a Jerry Jones draftee -- Derrick Lassic.
Jones thought he was a genius for drafting the running back of the Alabama team that just won the national title.
Yeah, way to do some homework there, superintendent.
Lassic fumbled twice in the Buffalo game, and would be out of Dallas's hair less then two days later...when Jerry Jones would indeed make Emmitt Smith the highest paid player in the NFL.
The 1993 season had a lot of cool stuff happen to it on the road to the Superbowl.
Number one was the resurgence of JOE MONTANA!!!!
Don't you miss him? Hell, he's been through enough.
Joe Montana would go to Kansas City and be AWESOME.
Marcus Allen was the running back in his old age and the two of them were AWESOME.
Look at Montana finding J.J. Birden for all those touchdowns. AWESOME.
Joe Montana would be responsible for Brett Favre's thought process in the playoffs through the 2000s.
He HAD to make that touchdown pass, because Montana did and Favre never got killed by Leonard Marshall.
Favre if anything...is the Giants defenders buddy.
He knows he's about as liable to get killed by Michael Strahan as I am by drinking orange juice.
And so Montana was sort of back.
Meanwhile, the Oilers had fired everyone on Earth after the comeback game in Buffalo.
In to coach a team and mentor the defense...Buddy Ryan.
It was under these circumstances that Ryan ends up throwing punches at Kevin Gilbride, the offensive coordinator.
For the Oilers would also be without Warren Moon for a good part of the season, and Moon would end up having to play injured because Gilbride managed to turn the Oilers offensive line into the doors of a saloon.
Cody Carlson would have a broken face every single fucking play.
One night it cost the Oilers an interception.
Ryan said some shit to Gilbride,
Gilbride tried to confront him--
POP!!! SCREW YOU HO!!! Ryan goes.
And so that's why that happened.
So that's Kansas City and Houston.
Buffalo and the L.A. Raiders were also real good. Buffalo never quit.
But the fun part of the 1993 regular season, before we get to the Thanksgiving Day game in Dallas, was...yes...the Chicago Bears.
Mike McCaskey had actually grown the balls to fire one of the two non-negotiable elements of the inheritance as given by George Halas.
Buddy Ryan left on his own after the Superbowl win, but there was still Mike Ditka.
McCaskey FIRES DITKA!!!!!! DITKA GOT FIRED!!!!
It was crazy.
I never, ever, ever, ever thought it would actually happen.
I was as stunned as the people who discovered Bryan Singer wasn't going to direct anymore Superman movies following the on-line petitiion THEY DREW UP.
Yes I thought Iron Mike Ditka was a shitty play caller...but I also knew that the McCaskeys put a bounty on yuppism.
That is why they loved Harbaugh, but didn't love McMahon.
This is why they loved Chris Zorich and Barry Minter, but didn't love Otis Wilson and John Roper.
This is why...at the same time they deliberately tried to underball Brad Muster...they loved "Iron Head Heyward".
Don't worry about what I weigh...weigh how I play?
They went 7-9 and Iron Head fumbled the ball about 3000 times.
The Bears replace Ditka with this guy Dave Wannstadt who was responsible for Dallas's defense that rocked the Bills in the Superbowl.
Wannstadt, a Dallas protegee, would TRY to be a business coach AND a defense coach.
All this led to was McMahon missing Waddle the entire season.
Waddle had ONE TOUCHDOWN CATCH.
Richard Dent was good, but who the hell needs a special coach for such a thing?
I'll bet you a hundred dollars that, given that 93 is Dent's final year of his contract...the Bears won't resign him...
Wannestadt would get control of all player personnel, something that Ditka never got to have and something that would have led to Mr. Super-Scout actually rebuilding our team.
Bill Tobin, for the previous twenty years, had been the guy who had the final say about the Bears draft picks that Ditka got.
It was Tobin's idea to draft a lineman this year named Stan Thomas.
He wouldn't get to, and thus resign.
Stan Thomas turned out to suck.
Roper would be sent to Dallas and then cut because he slept during a meeting.
So the Bears went 7-9.
Happy Thanksgiving, 1993!
We are in Dallas for the afternoon game, and the Cowboys lead 17-16 here in the final seconds.
They're in field goal territory.
Pete Stoyanovich has to make a 50 yard field goal with high winds and snow.
Lots and lots and lots of snow on the field that has now caked into the carpeting.
A field goal requires alot of dusting.
The kick is up...DALLAS BLOCKS IT!!! THE COWBOYS WIN!!!!
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
The ball rolls into the endzone and the Miami players just close in on it without touching it.
Nobody touch it! They tell each other.
When out of nowhere comes LEON LETT!!!!
He dives for the ball, misses it, and the Dolphins grab it in the endzone and GET IT BACK!!!
FIRST DOWN AT THE ONE YARD LINE!!!
Dolphins kick it again...DOLPHINS WIN!!!
Did Leon Lett really just do that?
He sure did.
Dick Enberg was the coolest person in the world as the replay's showing.
His partner goes "It's LEON LETT!!! OH NO!!"
Dick Enberg, who has to remain impartial, says "LEON LETT WHO WAS...HAUNTED BY A SUPERBOWL MISPLAY..."
Is he Mister cool or what? Like an old substitute teacher trying to explain a hoochie's latest booty shake.
Of all the hate mail Leon Lett would recieve following the Miami game, the funniest was a little girl who essentially goes,"Don't feel bad, there was this dumbass in the Superbowl last year who started a fucking touchdown dance way too early and had the ball knocked out. So there are bigger dumbasses out there."
But anyway, the playoffs.
The Bills get a divisional playoff game against the Raiders that they win 145-122 because it was 0 degrees, the windchill was less then infinity, and there were WHOLE FEET OF SNOW on the field.
It was simply...a big game in the backyard with your cousins.
Much more fun to play then it was fun to watch.
I went upstairs and was PISSED.
My mom is like what the fuck is wrong with you?
I explain to her -- mommy, the Bills are not going to win the Superbowl.
She realizes it's just my Bills again, and so smiles, shakes her head and goes "oh come now, you don't know that they won't win."
I say "Mom, they're not gonna win it. They just struggled in BUFFALO BILLS weather against the L.A. RAIDERS!!!"
"Now they gotta stop Joe Montana and Marcus Allen?"
"Then they gotta stop Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin in the Georgia Dome?"
"Ma, it's a scam."
Meanwhile the Chiefs were in Houston, and JJ Birden would catch a Montana pass, go into the endzone, then go up to a big banner of Buddy Ryan hanging over the Astrodome bleachers and whip the football at the face and dance in front of it.
The Oilers were leading before that at halftime 10-0.
It was the last ever Houston Oiler playoff game.
They would move to Tennessee and become the Titans, where they would NEVER EVER HAVE A LOSING SEASON?!!!
So the AFC Championship game was in Buffalo, and it would be the last big show for the Bills. They got to Montana, they stopped Allen, and they covered Birden.
Onto their FOURTH STRAIGHT SUPERBOWL.
The Bills were not favorites, they weren't even supposed to be there anymore.
Montana in the AFC had made the Bills instant underdogs.
This was supposed to enrapture Buffalo.
Murray kicked a field goal on the first drive because James Washington returned the opening kickoff there, but Steve Christie for the Bills would set a Superbowl record with a 56 yarder to tie it.
Then Thurman Thomas actually had his shit together.
Then the Bills defense managed to make Emmitt fumble!
13-6 at the half.
But then James Washington picks off Jim Kelly and runs it back into the endzone.
Then he does it AGAIN.
Then Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin take care of the rest.
Sure there were more Chiefs and Cowboys out there then just the ones I mentioned, but the Bills didn't win the championship, so fuck 'em.
The Cowboys won their second straight Superbowl, and the Bills were now 0-4.
But...in order to get to the Superbowl, the Cowboys had to beat the 49ers.
This meant that Eddie Debaratalo would watch his team lose to Dallas for a SECOND STRAIGHT YEAR...
That's right, America. This is part of Kill Bill where Uma is first waking up from her coma, remembers how she ended up there, remembers that a BULLET was involved, feels around her head for evidence of this bullet...notices that there is a METAL PLATE where the injury took place...and then...oh look at that...
My baby, the Vince Lombardi trophy...the entire sum of my love and hard work...is either in the trash because of my enemy, or sitting in my enemy's hands...