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DEBARTALO STRIKES BACK, VOL. 2 -- History of the Super Bowl Part 25

Updated on February 1, 2010


Free agency had turned the NFL upside down in 1993.

Owners couldn't believe how bad they were cheese-tingled.

All this time they had spent banning touchdown dances and making playful people obey rules...and now those players had attracted the big money of OTHER TEAMS.

Proven to be worthy in the eyes of the more IMPARTIAL SPECTATORS.

This would of course lead to paranoia among the Major League Baseball owners, who turned out to be the only people stingier then Jerry Jones.

Baseball was so stingy in fact that they are the only sports league that goes through a strike...and ends up ELIMINATING rather then INSTITUTING a salary cap.

The strike made it possible for the Yankees to spend 100 million dollars on a winner every year in exchange for bring the biggest market in America in front of the TV for Bud Selig's bullshit new "divisional playoffs" and "wildcard" crap. 

But it's 1994, and Eddie DeBartalo is ready to use this onset of free agency to build his team and defeat Bill. 

First off, the draft worked out nicely for San Francisco.

They got two big stars from the Florida State-Notre Dame game with Charlie Ward vs. Lou Holtz...

Bryant Young, a defensive tackle, and William Floyd the big Florida State tailback.

Each would be FEATURED PIMPS in the 49ers 1994 season.

Sweet number five, essentially.

Oh but that's just two guys. DeBaratalo wouldn't declare war on Bill without some muscles.

Here were the muscles...

Charles Mann, Richard Dent, Deion Sanders, Gary Plummer, Lee Woodall, and Ken Norton Jr.

Then the muscles he already had were ALL NOW IN THEIR PRIME -- Tim McDonald, Dana Stubblefield, Merton Hanks, Eric Davis, Ricky Watters, Jesse Supolo, Harris Barton, and Dexter Carter. 

It was important for Steve Young to stay healthy however, because his backups were Bill Musgrave and Elvis Grbac.

Things would look shitty for the Niners even with the edition of Sanders in Week 2 however.

Young would get his ass kicked a whole BUNCH of times.

But he went back in and played after the Lions messed him up.

This by the way followed the 40-8 game against Philadelphia.

Dawkins, baby. 

So the 49ers with all this talent actually end up almost screwing everything up.

The statement game in San Francisco was stupid because half the Dallas team was injured or suspended for something.

(They won it 21-14 at least).

So it was onto the playoffs -- probably with more finger-pointing and name calling then one would expect from such an expensive group.


Meanwhile Wannstadt got rid of Harbaugh in favor of the guy who overtook him for the 91 NFC Central title -- Erik Kramer. 

Kramer ended up getting beaten the hell up.

And so Wannstadt brings in a guy he remembered from his past -- Steve Walsh.

Walsh was the quarterback of the 87 National Champion Hurricanes.

With Jimmy Johnson as head coach.

And so Walsh came recommended.

And guess what?

The Bears were 1-2 with Kramer, and then ended up 8-4.


Walsh had won 7 of 9 games.

They would make it into the playoffs like a good-natured mom in a crowded grocery store -- getting that 9th win when the losses just would not stop pounding away from all sides. 

So the Bears go into the playoffs...and go on the road in Minnesota.

Minnesota's pretty highly favored.

BEARS WIN!!! BEARS WIN!!!! 35-18!!!!!

But then they go to muddy San Francisco where there are more freaking bums outside the hotels then anywhere in the world, and the Denny's doesn't have the Reuben Sandwich which is the whole freaking point of Denny's. 

44-15 San Francisco wins.

I wanna go back to San Francisco. What a place to spend time.

Particularly in January where it's like a Chicago October -- the only reason to be in Chicago.

And so the 49ers get ready for their big showdown, or as Kill Bill puts it --

                                                 Chapter 10 -- FACE TO FACE.

The 49ers host the Cowboys who are all ready to three-peat like Isiah and the Pistons when they came to Chicago in 1991.

It's time for war.

The 49ers go up 21-0 after the FIRST THREE DALLAS DRIVES OF THE GAME!!!!!!

Aikman intercepts, Emmitt fumbles, Harper fumbles, and all THREE turn into long touchdown drives.

Jerry Rice can catch those funky looking left-handed bombs by Steve Young.

And the secondary just destroys Aikman.

Hanks and Davis and McDonald are getting everything because Aikman won't throw to Sanders.

It was a glorious day in a glorious town for a football team that I really miss after dealing with the COWBOYS YOU LOST HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH COWBOYS SUCK HAHAHAHAHAHA.


So the 49ers get the winner of the AFC.

Will it be the Bills?

Funny you should ask...


In the AFC, Bill Cowher had turned his Steelers into winners.

It took only 2 years.


They were good enough in just his first year to host the Bills in the playoffs.

In his second year, they were good enough to DESTROY THEIR RECIEVERS on Monday Night Football.

Rod Woodson would do full-out dives at people with his stomach 5 feet in the air.

These recievers would be smacked retarded.

Well now it was year three of Cowher's reign, and he had the Steelers with homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.

In the divisional playoff, they get the Bills.

They beat them 20-3.

The dream is over.

The Bills will not make it five straight Super Bowl appearances.

But fear not, Buffalo fans.

For the San Diego Chargers were going to avenge you.

In the AFC Championship game, Neil O'Donnell would have the Steelers up 13-3 deep in the third quarter.

Then Humphries and Natrone Means did their thing, culminating in two touchdowns, one a hard bomb in the endzone for Tony Martin who catches it with a leap over his shoulder like Swann.

It was 17-13 San Diego with four minutes left. 

Here comes the Steelers.

They get downfield.

They get close...

Eighteen seconds left...

4th and goal.

Steelers need a touchdown...



Yes I'm telling the truth.

The Pittsburgh Steelers would get upended and have to go home more pissed then the Bills have ever been.



Because Holmgren is really the star of all this, it's safe to say that we haven't yet gotten to the end.

However, since Dallas is dead for the year, we can put a positive ending on this hub anyway.

The 49ers, with more help afforded to any other quarterback in the history of time, manage to give Young his Superbowl.

Junior Seau can still benchpress 550 pounds (swear to God), so some of them will be okay.

Chargers lose 49-26 in a game where Young had a touchdown pass to Rice on the first play of the game. 

Deion Sanders becomes the first player in history to be both in a World Series and a Superbowl.


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