DEION JOINS BILL, SORRY UMA -- History of the Super Bowl Part 26

1995

Bryce Paup was a big bad motherfudger.

So the Bills would pick him up, because the Bills will in fact get high-priced free agents.

1995 is also the year that both our favorite wacky, fun-loving owners -- Georgia Frontiere and Al Davis -- will ditch that nasty Colisieum in L.A.

The place is a big sweat and piss box.

And the fucking neighborhood it's in?!

One wonders if the Colisieum only looks riddled with explosives due to paying homage to the Rome one.

The funny thing was that...while they let Al Davis go back to Oakland with Jeff Hostetler without a fight...the other NFC owners were REALLY TICKED AT GEORGIA.

Why?

Because she knew how they felt about her. That's why.

There's no turning back in the NFC once you dis someone.

You have to keep that fight up forever even if you don't believe in it.

All they have after all, once it's all said and done, is the memory of who had the last word.

Idiots.

Well...maybe not.

For this tactic had been used on Al Davis by the AFC people to exclude him from their table...but AFC people were not inherently slimy enough to do what the NFC does...

Accuse people of the very things THEY want and intend and have tried to do.

The NFC did this to Georgia, exposing the very plan that her character in "Major League" did.

Deliberate mis-management in order to move the team.

Fuckin WOW!!!

The AFC people were trying to do this very thing.

There is in fact two AFC teams that were talking about bidding for Los Angeles -- the Bills and the Jaguars.

They didn't want this exposed, which is why they never came out and tried to levy any charges against crazy ass Al Davis.

The guy just might work his jedi lawyer tricks on them and expose them while extracting from him...not a damn cent.

Al Davis would get a good-faith deposit from the city of Irwindale for ten million dollars to build them a new stadium. When it fell through, fuckin' Al KEPT THE TEN MILLION DOLLARS.

They didn't want to know what he'd do if he was to be the subject of another Witch Hunt.

Fuckin' Jack Squirek already set their bank accounts back so far they were still stuck in the red states deep in the 80s and 90s trying instead to win that damn useless title with Icky Woods and Stanley Wilson and Bernie Kosar and John Elway.

When it came down to it, this is what you got when the AFC had to actually box.

You had the 1960s, played out in front of your face.

Al Davis represented what the AFC would have to deem as the corrupt establishment.

Now...in the abscence of a moderate, traditional, manly man force like the entire NFC tries to be...you have the AFC resorting to responding to Mr. Davis in one of two ways...

The AFC could get remorsely conniving like a peaceful hippy when the heating bill has to be paid resulting in no shower for their plants...or go FUCKING BALLISTIC LIKE CHARLES MANSON'S ACCOMPLICES.

They made a pact with themselves that they wouldn't go the Charles Manson route of complete acceptance that the world can't be changed, because they already had Buddy Ryan doing that very thing.

And so they would calmly be quiet and shake their heads, gloating instead as to how much cheaper it was to get a contract from CBS then NBC here in the days of Michael Jordan/Marv Albert/Reggie Miller/Shaq.

The NFC meanwhile...functioned and hired with precisely one purpose only...the ability to accuse people of the very thing they wanted to do.

The NFC after all had an obligation as the keepers of the benefit of the doubt.

They were the organization that America DIDN'T want to see fail.

This meant that -- while involved the same kind of underhanded plot to move the SEAHAWKS to LOS ANGELES, MAN!!!! -- they would be able to duck so much freaking criticism and accusation that to be afraid of getting caught meant you were a PUSS.

And so they would go right ahead and spell out their very plans in the form of accusations against Georgia Frontiere.

She would however...get attacked in front of a judge and jury of people who wanted to see a bottom line.

St. Louis was about to buy up EVERYTHING should a football team come to their town.

St. Louis has the number one highest crime rate in the United States.

They trail Detroit in handgun murders, not murders.

They also are the big leader in RAPES.

Now I don't mean to make a joke about rape, but some women out there I know working in grocery stores and kitchens and shit...if you rape them? They will kill your ass. Which means that most rapes in St. Louis...probably also lead to murders. 

So murders and rapes are basically St. Louis's shame.

Well here comes the Rams to give those people heaping thousands of suburban families at Transworld Dome to mug instead of rape.

That's Georgia looking out for the ladyfolk there.

The funny thing about Georgia is that she was truly incompetent.

Even scamming St. Louis backfired.

She got a quarterback who had been spotted bagging groceries in Kurt Warner, and Marshall Faulk who she assumed was INJURED.

Where the hell were we?

The 49ers were old.

Steve Young and George Seifert didn't get along at ALL.

Add to that, Jerry Jones had STOLEN DEION SANDERS.

He paid Deion 30 million dollars.

Nobody got thirty million dollars as an NFL player.

The good ones average about 650,000.

So the Cowboys would be on top again -- as Sanders could be used on both sides of the ball and was.

You had to cover both Michael Irvin AND Deion Sanders and there was still Alvin Harper.

Jimmy Johnson would leave the week after the second Superbowl win.

Like the AFC coaches thought -- Jimmy Johnson would want credit and didn't get it.

Jones would not surrender the general manager position.

Jones understated him when they met chicks, probably.

Jones would often be allowed to win arguments between them for years just because Jimmy didn't want to rock any boats. Now Jones was assuming that he had alot more respect from the guy then he really did.

So Jones, who does nothing but watch the last college football of the season, hires the guy who won the 85 national title (what the fuck is it with Jerry Jones and that Oklahoma team?)

His name was Barry Switzer, and Switzer was a freaking BOOB.

Switzer's jokes were loud, stupid, and nobody NOBODY laughed with him just to be polite.

Switzer sucked.

Switzer will almost lose the Superbowl.

But Neil O'Donnell would be far too persistent in that realm.

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Meanwhile, at the ritzy health club, an AFC guy, being laughed at in secret by the NFC players for being banished to the AFC, will resist being made to sit down so the little brother could come in. He'd challenge the NFC captain, letting him know that as big as he was, the pressure was all on him.

This same AFC guy had punched Dennis McKinnon in a prior hub.

When we last saw him, he had worked his way up to editing Ditka.

That man was Jim Harbaugh, and for an incredible 1995 season, for the first time in the city's history, he would put the Indianapolis Colts ON THE MAP TO STAY.

To understand the Indianapolis Colts -- is to understand the best film one can describe to the kids the next time you get drunk before driving that fucking school bus -- RoboCop (1987).

In RoboCop, the ED-209 program was all ready to go in the 1990 Draft.

It would actually be introduced ahead of schedule, because the people who concieved of the project were THAT EXCITED.

Jeff George.

The Heisman trophy winner from Illinois.

George would be the first pick taken by the Colts in 1990 and suck ass.

George would be famous for going AWOL during the 1995? season. Just...left.

There's more.

The next year, the Colts draft big Steve Emtman from the "national champion" Washington Huskies with that bad ass Mario Bailey who made fun of Desmond Howard's Heisman pose.

Asshole.

But Emtman could not god damn run.

Emtman almost collapsed the day that he returned a fumble for a touchdown in that overtime game in front of Dick Enberg.

OH MY!!!! EMTMAN...OF...WASHINGTON SPORTS LORE...

Emtman had to grab a recessitating mask. I hate to say it was filled with oxygen, for according to the book "Fight Club", oxygen gets you high.

So that was fun. Emtman was out of the league like in no time.

Then the next year the Colts got another ED-209, the one assigned to stand outside and guard the building.

This one, named by its' engineers in the lab, called him "Marshall Faulk"

George had been a big money holdout.

Faulk too.

Emtman as well!

For the NFL is funny.

They give alot of money to teams that have alot of rookies IF a bunch of them are also high draft picks.

So there's still the dynamic of the rookie making eons more then Richard Dent WHILE Dent has to go and play for LESS in San Francisco then he made in Chicago.

The Colts "glitch" was on the verge of, as the Old Man says, costing them "fifty million dollars in interest payments alone!"

NOT NECESSARILY, SIR!!!! Says the fun-loving Ted Marchibroda.

Perhaps you've heard of the new "Harbaugh-And-Zack-Crockett Program" developed by myself and Security Concepts as a contingency against JUST THIS SORT OF THING, SIR!

The Colts would be 9-7, and then go on the road as a wildcard team.

They beat San Diego.

Then they go to Kansas City.

Kansas City had lost Montana to retirement, but found a new friend in Steve Bono who was supposed to rub off what he knew from being Montana's back-up.

It looked promising.

They took a 7-0 lead.

One problem.

The Chiefs, in the midst of having their offense slowed down by the Indy defense...would have to rely primarily on their kicker.

That kicker...was Lin Elliott.

COLTS WIN 10-7, as Elliott misses three field goals.

COLTS GO TO THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME?!!!!! They just won their first playoff game like two weeks ago?!

As Dick Enberg says -- OHHHHHH MYYYYYY.

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Buffalo sucked.

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Chicago won the last four games of the season just to end up not getting the tiebreaker for the wildcard at 9-7. That honor went to Atlanta.

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Ah...Green Bay Packers. I knew we were getting warm.

Jerry Glanville is someone who I would like you to meet.

Jerry Glanville was coach of the Houston Oilers throughout Warren Moon's rise.

Then he went to Atlanta and got them in the playoffs for the first time like ever.

Glanville is a goofy dude.

In the Houston Astrodome used to be these cockroaches that were BIG.

Bigger then Jessie Tuggle.

Glanville would make it part of their practice to collect these fuckers and put them in the visitors lockerroom.

People who weren't from the South were not accustomed to these big bastards just sneaking out from behind a vertical roll of paper towel.

Glanville was supposed to take his claim in football history as one of the great minds, particular now when the Houston Oilers had proven to be COMPLETELY DEAD WITHOUT HIM.

Yet Glanville promptly went to Atlanta and traded away the very very young quarterback...Brett Favre.

On top of getting made fun of all the time for this on FOX TV, he also says "REEEE-Mont Harris" when he's talking about the Bears fullback.

Favre would go to the Packers and become Mike Holmgren's Joe Montana.

Merry Hannakuh.

Brett Favre would be implanted directly into a West Coast Offense that would serve to be his ENTIRE TRAINING WHEELS.

For you see, the West Coast Offense for baby quarterbacks is ideal, because there are levels to its' efficiency.

For example -- LEVEL ONE...until you become good, there's a big tight end for you to throw to.

As you get better -- LEVEL TWO...there will be deep recievers.

And as you become king of my ballsack -- there will be recievers for you to throw to BEHIND THE LINEBACKERS, remember class?

This is why, if you notice, tight end Mark Chmura for the rest of the 90s becomes less relied on as the years go by.

The recievers would get their tutelege by a man who would leave before 1995, but from the ages of 28 to 30, had trained them to be the next Rice and Taylor and Jones.

Jon Gruden.

Gruden would get accused of nepotism for the extent of his coaching life because his dad was Dick Devine's offensive coordinator.

Gruden however always tried to do it the hard way, as he would neglect free tuition as a coach's son at Notre Dame to play for AppleButtocks State or something.

After college, Gruden's dad would be a Packers assistant, and kept telling Jon come on, I can get you an interview tomorrow, what the f is your damage you Chucky looking mamma's boy ho?

He said dad come on, I can't, everyone will accuse me of being the coach's freaking son.

So Gruden would be an offensive coordinator at Pacific and a few schools like that.

I would have caved too.

For you see...Gruden would impress Holmgren, and then after this job, become offensive coordinator of another Bill Walsh protegee -- Andy Reid.

THEN...and here's where we can forget about the hows and whos...Al Davis personally requested and hand-picked Gruden as head coach of the Raiders.

But in the meantime, we get to see the progress that Gruden makes in revitalizing the career of Don Beebe, and then developing Anthony Morgan, Antonio Freeman, and Robert Brooks.

And then you got Chmura.

But Gruden had someone who made it alot easier for him...

Something happened early on in Gruden's tenure that was BULLSHIT.

Sterling Sharpe would almost be paralyzed just as Mike Utley had.

Sterling Sharpe in 1992 would be the initial reason that even a young Favre could always handle the Bears.

As it's now 1995, Sterling's brother becomes big time next year and then for several years on...Shannon.

Meanwhile the Packer defense were led by free agent acquisition Reggie White and developing Craig Newsome the free safety.

Brett Favre in this first year with Gruden gone...will throw for 4,413 yards.

Straight up.

He would throw 38 touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

Mark Rypien threw 11 interceptions during the Superbowl year.

Shame on you Brett. You ho.

The Packers of 95 then would shock the world when they went to San Francisco and indeed beat a bunch of guys who were alive to take part in the 1849 gold rush.

Mike Holmgren had turned out to better at copying Walsh's playbook then Seifert had.

It was an ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE DAY FOR THE PACKERS FRANCHISE.

This would put them on the national stage the way Reggie Miller had put the Pacers on the stage that night in Madison Square Garden with the choke signal.

The Packers were going to the NFC Championship in Dallas? SHIT!!!!

Meanwhile the Colts were going to Pittsburgh, where Cowler's sobbing mug would be the featured story forever more.

WHAT ABOUT BRYCE PAUP?! LOOK AT THAT GUY!!!

Nope. Cowher.

And Greg Lloyd, the big new Bruce Smith wannabe, who...while Smith made cool commercials and magazine covers...Lloyd was simply a big loud dick who wanted to TAKE YOUR BABY AND SLAM IT ONTO THE CONCRETE THIS SUNDAY, AMERICA!!!! YEAH!!!! WE'RE THE NEW AFC CHAMPIONS!!!! DIG US!!!!

Pittsburgh always got on my nerves.

Carnell Lake was a mean son of a bitch who played next to Woodson.

Bam Morris was a penis.

So was Yancey Thigpen. What kind of star reciever has some stupid name like that?

They had the only running back in the NFL who had the nerve to be known with a name that had a middle initial. John L. Williams or something?

Please, Bill Cosby Esquire. The door's right over there.

They were the first team to ever think they were going to make the nasty, stench-caked dos of their defensive players some kind of fashion trend.

Nobody wants to touch that nasty Polamalu's long pube-mane any more then any chick wanted to rub her fingers through Kevin Greene's blond waves of majesty.

Gross.

I wanna do Bill Cowher's wife and daughter. She's of age. Screw you.

Like Bill Cowher's gonna read this anyway.

The Colts would have won the game in Pittsburgh.

They were down by 4 in the waning seconds, and Harbaugh throws a hail mary into the endzone that is dead on DIRECTLY INTO THE POCKETED ARMS OF AARON BAILEY.

He has it, but doesn't think to cradle it for ONE FUCKING MOMENT.

He drops to the ground and the ball bounces right out.

Because he didn't cradle it.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT PUSSY'S FREAKING PROBLEM?!!!! YOU COULD HAVE PAID ME TO GO OUT THERE AND BE SCARED OF THE GROUND WHEN I'VE GOT THE SUPERBOWL CLINCHING PA--

Oh great. Now I gotta see Bill Cowher cry...AND smile? He looks freaking RETARDED, YO!!!!

And of course the Packers in Dallas lead 27-24 going into the fourth despite touchdowns by both Irvin and Deion...

Who by the way can't just catch a pass, they have to dance on the way to endzone.

That's what the Bills and Dolphins always needed.

So it's 27-24 Green Bay...yet the fourth quarter is long and dumb as everyone scores for Dallas.

So they go to the Superbowl, it's Dallas vs. Pittsburgh.

It's not supposed to be anything in the world like the 70s Superbowls, except for one very important detail...

Neither Barry Switzer nor Neil O'Donnell wanted to win this game, because they're both losers.

It literally doesn't finally happen for Switzer until O'Donnell throws an interception finally to a guy Larry Brown who didn't even freaking want it.

Brown wins the Super Bowl MVP by not being Deion Sanders and thus being the coverage that O'Donnell would throw to.

Or at.

Dallas sucks and so does Pittsburgh.

Bryce Paup would have won this thing.

Yet the Cowboys do, and it's their third world championship in four years.

Now here comes the fun part...as Michael Irvin starts upping the dosage as a result of what should have been a natural realization.

All athletes when they make it to the top like this...always get depression for a while.

Know why?

Because it doesn't get better then this.

All they can do is repeat it, which they already did twice.

Michael Irvin had had a wonderous ride...now they were Neil O'Donnell away from being beaten now that Barry Switzer was running the show...

to be continued...

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