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ELI MANNING -- Now THAT's What I'm Talking About -- History of the Superbowl Part 38

Updated on March 1, 2012


Peyton Manning is a once-in-a-millenia talent, yet there's a difference between Peyton Manning and his brother Eli.

A very thin difference --

Observe --

Flowers are the best gift a person whose house you just burned down can ask for!

Now when you look at this sentence, what sticks out?

Sarcasm, possibly, right?

To Peyton doesn't. It actually says what it means.

To Eli...this is sacrasm.

Peyton would hold it against the writer for not being more clear that it was a joke.

Eli...gets the joke.

See the difference?

Let's try another one.


Peyton Manning would come to the office...and be shocked as hell to learn he's in trouble.

Eli...would be all ready with arguments.

See the difference?

This is how Peyton and Eli can both be able to read huge playbooks and tiny contract verbage...but when the sentence is written...

No, seriously! Leave Ole Miss! We won't fucking lynch you!

Peyton goes, while Eli stays.

And this will illustrate why Peyton needs Grossman and the brute passionate anger of Jeff Saturday and the offensive line who love and feel for Tony do what Eli Manning does this season against a team that has taken the play-stealing formula...and finally maximized it to an UNDEFEATED SEASON AND PLAYOFF RUN.



Took ya long enough, Patriots.

When you guys were in high school, tell me you actually scored higher on Mrs. Milfowitz's biology final when you DIDN'T cheat. Please. For the delinquent youth of America who look up to you.


As you've noticed, it says 2004 at the beginning of this lesson.

That's because the story of Eli Manning, as far as we're concerns, begins the first day he's drafted.

I never saw anything more entitled and ridiculous in my life.

I've seen Stephon Marbury's MOTHER GO OUT ON THE COURT and YELL AT HIM for arguing with the officials.

I've even seen a dad go and help out his son beat up a first base umpire.

Never in my life have I seen one of these psycho ass coach dads actually pull rank on the freaking NFL Draft.

No son of mine is going to some shitty football team to begin his rookie career?

That sonumabitch Tagliabue can get him the proper tutelege from people who know what the fuck they're doing?


So Eli Manning will go from San the New York Giants.

Because I don't think Archie watches enough actual football to know that Tom Coughlin couldn't handle Marty Schottenheimer's nutsack.

Nor the kind of pressure that exists in the Land that would never touch him in San Diego.

Football fans are everywhere in America, but only in New York City...have they been sniffing glue first.


Kobe Bryant knows this.

I love Kobe, but what a big man it takes to score 61 points when he's got to only do it in front of us once a year.

Those crappy Knicks are on the court listening to a full Madison Square Garden thirty minutes before they start because when it comes to getting to that gotta take the FIRST TRAIN AVAILABLE.

This is the absolute polar opposite of Los Angeles or Miami where you're expected to drive everywhere. They come...very very LATE.

So Eli now has to live up to being Peyton Manning on the Giants.

He becomes...GOOD.

Instantly good.

I couldn't fucking believe it. Eli was GOOD RIGHT AWAY and continued to be that way for QUITE SOME TIME.

His first start...he was GREAT.

And then it kept going.

But there was a catch...well sort of...

Luke Pettigoat was the big dick lineman on the Giants offense.

He played left tackle, and gave Eli more then most quarterbacks can hope for as far as time to look and study in REAL TIME.

Eli eventually goes through injuries.

Since we're now grown-ups watching the Giants, we have to live with the understanding that twenty years of angry coaches...are now telling their teams to injure OUR quarterback.

Payback for the fun WE had when we were kids.

By 2007, it was REALLY bad.

Eli comes out to play...without PETTIGOAT...without TIKI BARBER DUE TO RETIREMENT...without JEREMY SHOCKEY...and he was already trying to put his life back together without IKE HILLIARD.


So instead Eli would have Ahmad Bradshaw the running back, but we would have PLAXICO!!!

Plaxico Burress came to town and helped Amani Toomer and newbie David Tyree.

I wish Plaxico well with his weapons thingie. He's a hero here.

Pettigoat meanwhile went to the last cool team in NFL history.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers...


The Succaneers were swashbuckling to a second straight world title in 2003...but everything fell apart QUICK.

Within a span of three weeks, between Week 7 and 10, Keyshawn Johnson would go from being our big being our big excuse.

Sent away by Jon Gruden for talking shit, disobeying his instructions, making him have to yell when it was obvious from how red his face gets that you're ANGERING THE BLOOD, KEYSHAWN.

Kind of like how you angered all us Northwestern fans that evening in January, 1996 at the Rose Bowl.

Keyshawn had become my dude, but Gruden won the first god damn time he had his say. What's it gonna take pun intended...look beyond the pale?

Yet Keyshawn had a fan.

Someone in Tampa who had just as much Tampa root stuff as Gruden...Gruden's boss Rich McKay.

McKay would be made general manager of the Atlanta Falcons, in one of the first and only GM TRADES.

Malcolm Glazer, baby. Walking the walk. Buying and selling a general manager's ASS.

Yet the Buccaneers new general manager in 2004 was even more hostile then anybody. Fuck if I remember his name, for he's not worth it, and is still there today, which explains the permanent downturn.

This GM went and...know what his first duties were?


Peyton Manning would read the above and probably assume I was excited about it.


Donald Driver was the king of Green Bay.

Brett Favre's favorite target was aerodynamic.

And the Packers would finish with the NFC's best record at 13-3.

Meanwhile the Patriots, at 16-0.

So the playoffs...what happens...what happens...

Well the Giants would beat Tampa, as Eli proved to not need Pettigoat anymore, something that first made alot of us football geeks around here wake up and take notice.

Eli then beats Tony Romo while those sweet frosted, glittery lips of Jessica Simp...never mind.

Then the Giants look like they've got the Packers on lock.

They're in Green Bay for the NFC Championship and manage to have the affair tied in the final minutes WITH the ball and a chance to win.




But while the word adversity would enter his older brother's mind and take over...Eli...continues for another great drive anyway.

Gets them within 20 yards of the endzone, but is stopped. No problem, baby, you got us here we'll do the rest, right?

3 seconds left, on comes Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes who already missed a few other field goals in this game that's now tied.

He puts it up...



NOTHING?!!! WE GET NOTHING!!!! Eli has two Elway drives back to back for NOTHING!!!

And then in overtime, the Fudge Packers get the coin toss! They get to recieve!



And the kick...

IS GOOD!!!!!

Giants are in the Superbowl! Giants are in the Superbowl!


Meanwhile in the AFC, there would be little to report on, as the Patriots suck all the drama out of it.

Except one thing.

San Diego Chargers are in Indianapolis without Philip Rivers and Ladanian.

Peyton Manning loses anyway.

Earlier that day, I'm sure the Indiana Closed-Mall-Times came out with the headline --


And Peyton probably came away from all this saying, "Heck...I should write them a get-well card. I hope Ladanian and Philip are okay."

The big star of the AFC this year, outside of Randy Moss of course, was Dennis Northcutt.

Once a Cleveland Brown...he was now the reason that Jacksonville had gone so far this year without Mark Brunell.

He was also their Troy Brown, Devin Hester...all these coaches overused him.

Yet from 2007 on, it's Corey Webster who got the ladies.


Two very important additions from the Miami Dolphins make way in these playoffs as they're 1-15 this season...

The first was Chris Chambers, wide reciever extraordinaire, now with Jacksonville.

The second...was a big big part of the Giants man Dolphins cornerback Sam Madison.

In the Superbowl, the Giants take a 10-7 lead with 11:05 left, as Randy Moss has been covered brilliantly by Ricky Manning Lite...Corey Webster.

But then they go down 14-10 with 2:42 left because Moss is left uncovered due to a Giant corner slipping...Corey Webster.

The Giants defense had done their windsprints, and were more then willing to entertain a retarded Patriots game plan where they have Faulk and Malroney run all day so Wes Welker can catch a pass that's in his range...which is about 4 yards and under.

But then Eli launches them on a drive with Bradshaw that is getting them just inches.

And Eli gets sacked.

It's now 3rd and 15, and they're still in their own territory and there's 37 seconds left. Oh shit.

So Eli back to pass and he looks dead....they have this lineman who is wrapped up by two Patriots pass rushers but WAIT A MINUTE...that fat lineman ends up keeping one of the guys from being able to REACH Eli, and the second one, who has Eli's jersey...has to reach around the lineman to keep it!!!! Go ELI!!!!! GO!!!


This was brilliant...for unlike Peyton who's every throw is predictable...nobody thought Eli was going to be so fucking stupid...

Like a FOX.

For David Tyree runs to the spot and catches it with his head, and goes through all the tedious seconds of establishing control over the bitch while UPSIDE-DOWN THE WHOLE TIME.

Tyree saved the day.

One can only wonder if it had been Tyree in that nightclub with the gun going off instead of Plaxico.

Plaxico's nurses were under scope because they FAILED TO REPORT IT TO SAVE HIS IMAGE.

David Tyree probably wouldn't of even had any witnesses.

At any rate, the Giants score because Assanti Samuel was left one on one, and the Giants put everyone in the world on Randy Moss until the final gun.

The Giants with at least the fifth most ridiculous upset in sports history, were champions of the world.


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