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HA HA YOU SUCK -- The Story of the Miami Heat (Part 1 from 1988-1995)

Updated on January 12, 2010

To understand the Miami Heat, one must be familiar with two things -- the show "The Golden Girls", and the film "Multiplicity."

Chapter 1 -- WTF? The Golden Girls?

The Golden Girls is the show that our moms and grandmas watch. It has a neat formula, but that's about it. They got the goofball Rose, they got Dorothy with the she-man voice, they got the nasty Blanche who's got to go, and they got the very funny Sophia who is Dorothy's mother. It's a terrible show that does nothing but have four old women sit around, eat, and reminisce. It's always about sex, and it's always a reference to something nasty being placed on Blanche's skin for men to lick off. Yes I understand the need for women to always want to feel sexy...but Blanche is not sexy, nor is there a time one can imagine her being sexy. Not to disrespect the South, but Blanche is clearly the only member of this group who didn't end up in Miami due to retiring after a long life somewhere else. Blanche is simply the Strawberry of Old Lady Compton.

Well the Miami Heat are the Golden Girls.

Rose, the goofball who wouldn't screw up for a moment if she wasn't being a goofball, is Shaquille O'Neal.

Sophia, the mother who's always there to steal all the show's best moments while keeping the others in a psychological and financial stranglehold -- is Pat Riley.

Blanche, who's nasty and sucks -- is P.J. Brown

and Dorothy, who it's all anchored around -- is Alonzo Mourning

Chapter 2 -- WTF? Multiwhatcity?

"Multiplicity" with Michael Keaton was a movie that featured the opportunity for him to replicate himself, thereby being able to pleasure his wife while a more responsible version of himself is doing all the chores. Okay. This is how the Bad Boy Detroit Pistons became the New York Knicks and Lacerations. But then this newer version goes and REPLICATES HIMSELF, resulting in a similar but DEFINITELY WEAKER version of himself.

The Miami Heat were a crappy copy of a crappy copy of the Bad Boys.

Isaac Austin and P.J. Brown were to be the new Mason and Oakley who were to be the new Rodman and Mahorn, were they? HA!!!!!!!!

Tim Hardaway was the new Derek Harper who was the new Isiah, huh? HA!!!!!!!!

Dan Majerle was Starks who was Dumars?

Walt Williams was Anthony Bonner who was John Salley?

Jamal Mashburn was Charles Smith who was Mark Aguirre?

Alonzo Mourning was Patrick Ewing who forget that. Ewing was the best.

As it turns out, Sophia learns that this team can't do the job, so busts on people, Dorothy gets mad or serious about something, Rose looks into the muzzle of a cannon to see what's inside, and Blanche does something that makes everybody squeamish and uncomfortable.

Chapter 3 -- Know Your History

The busters that were the Miami Heat came to be in a varitable act of busterity. There was a time when it appeared that only one city in Florida would be granted an expansion team. It was either going to be in Miami, Orlando, or St.Petersburg/Tampa. The Miami group first bought out the St. Petersburg group, and then engaged in a fight with the Orlando group so libelously and so fiercely, that the NBA had to step in and agree to give Orlando a franchise too.

And so Miami and Charlotte would enter the NBA in 1988, with Orlando and Minnesota in 1989.

Miami's first season was highlighted by being in the Western Conference, immediately placing them on a 68-game West Coast road trip. With Rony Seikaly and Kevin Edwards, the Heat went 15-67.

Then in 1989, they got Glen Rice who had just won a championship with Michigan.

By 1991, the Heat had grown into an impressive 18 game winner.

But then they got Steve Smith from Michigan State and now there was trouble, for Smith was very very good in a special kind of way -- he was arguably the first player since Jordan and Drexler who one could regard as "complete".

Steve Smith could even play defense.

He had a three.

He was deadly inside.

And he played point guard, shooting guard and Aguirre-guard (when a 2 plays a 3) magnificently.

And so with Seikaly, Rice, and Smith, the Heat had something going on.

Sure enough they would make the playoffs in Smith's first season.

The Bulls would kick their butts. Hey, I understand.

The next season, 1992-93, the Heat got a guy who people really wanted to like. His name was Harold Miner. Baby Jordan. Nobody in the history of the Gatorade era had ever actually been donned a nickname so holy.

It was like calling somebody Magic.

You simply didn't do this anymore.

Harold Miner was a great dunker. But a whiner and pussy. NEXT!!!!!

So from 1993 to 1995, the Heat would continuously huff paint, put on football helmets, then run out on the court full speed into one another while the fans and opposing team stood there confused. Sometimes they brought shopping carts from the grocery stores they all applied to work at following these sorry excuses for seasons.

But just when you thought it was safe to make fun of the Miami Heat, the joke was on us.

I remember it was a Thursday. I was sleeping in my bed, and I heard the sound of crying.

I look up and there's Crappy Carl looking over me.

"What's wrong, Crappy Carl?" I ask.

He says what I think is "I killed Guy Smiley."

It occurs to me that everything is fine. Guy Smiley is after-all the puppet game show host from Sesame Street. There's no way Crappy Carl could have killed him.

"Crappy Carl, you're innocent."

"WE LOST PAT RILEY!!!!" he finally clarifies.

Who the hell is...


No way.

Pat Riley?

What happened to Pat Riley?!


It's available, or you can go to "gornerp" at for something more interesting...


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