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HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO AN AFC PLAYER -- History of the Superbowl Part 29

Updated on February 15, 2012


The 1990s NFL are more then West Coast stuff.

In fact when it comes to what defines the decade, we're WAY off.

It is in fact the very opposite of West Coast.

For to understand the NFL in the 1990s is to understand that there was a program in the 1980s in the NCAA at the University of Miami.

We've seen what happened with the best of Miami alums when the NFC had their way with them -- Michael Irvin and Steve Walsh both ultimately hitting brick walls and never recovering.

But in the AFC, they rocked one's fratty socks.

The AFC LOVEEEEESS University of Miami football players.

They love the offensive stars of Miami almost as much as WE do.

I always wanted to be a Jerry Rice at the University of Miami, and then be the Buddy Ryan of the defense.

In order to understand the 1998 season, is to understand the U.

In the 70s the Hurricanes were crap.

Lou Saban couldn't do shit, and had no funding to do it with.

University of Miami had a football team since 1926, but this is essentially like DePaul or's expensive land.

Having a football team there simply never paid.

Most college programs end up broke.

They are kept on because one good season will turn that stadium into a goldmine forever.

The Hurricanes for sixty years had drawn crowds for reasons that everybody who's ever been to college knows.

It's essentially on the itinerary if you want to keep your fucking straight friends freshman year.

But nobody ever went to see this shit otherwise.

Then in 1979, they hire the offensive coordinator from Miami.

Working under Shula, and being butt buddies with Earl Morrall for the 72 season...Schnellenburger?...brings Earl Morrall into tutor the new breed of quarterbacks he plans to draft for the SPECIFIC PURPOSE of running a pass-oriented offense.

He will snag the top quarterback in the land.

Jim Kelly.

In Kelly's first game at 18 years old with Miami, he throws 280 YARDS!!!!

While Kelly did this, someone was on the bench who you might know as well...

Bernie Kosar.

This is how good John Elway was. He bested the '80s MIAMI HURRICANES.

So in 1981, the Hurricanes are 9-2 and they're hosting #1 Penn State.

They win 17-14.

This very win...brought the Miami Hurricanes football program into national prominence.

From that day on, everything that happens is YEEEEEAHHHH BITCH!!!!!!!

Kelly's in the Miami hall-of-fame for being the quarterback responsible.

Kosar wins the national title.

That particular national title game was stupid.

Tom Osborne was number 1, Miami was number 5.

It comes down to Nebraska getting a game-tying touchdown with NO TIME REMAINING.


If...they kick an extra point.

All they need is a tie in this game and they'll have their undefeated season and the only ones undefeated and thus...keep the #1 ranking.

Instead Osborne has them go for 2.

They miss it.

The Hurricanes win their first of four national championships in eight years.

My team.

That's MY team.



My point is that after Kosar's title, in would come the guy who had been made to sit out for Kosar.

This would be a trend IN THE PROS AS WELL as the both of them ended up on the Cleveland Browns.

Vinny Testaverde.

Vinny Testaverde would come after Kosar who came after Kelly.

Walsh comes after Vinny.

Gino was 91, I'm not completely certain it was Walsh in 89 as well...

Testaverde was drafted in 1987 and had been labelled a bust.

He played everywhere because he was big and strong. But so was Shaq.

Testaverde would have the season of seasons in 1998 under the tutelege of the new coach of the New York Jets.

Bill Parcells.

Parcells would bring Dave Meggett and Curtis Martin with him to this shitty shitty SHIT-TAY New York Jets team.

I just learned that Mike Martz is coming to Chicago, and this is the second best thing I've heard since learning Parcells was going to the Land.

Oh my god do we need some Florida State style offense.


Our defense is about to give up 50 points a game.

Martz is like Mike D'Antoni.

Yet when I learned in my shitty little midwestern dorm room that Bill Parcells was going to be the Jets coach, it was like learning that Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman were coming to the Knicks.

This a word...was BIG.

The Jets were 1-15, and then would go 7-9, and then 12-4 in 1998.

Boom and boom and boom.

The 98 season was just like the New England season.

They were 0-2, then 3-3, then UP WE GO!!!

Testaverde was 12-1.

We had had Boomer, signed him for almost 50 million...he sucked.

Then we had Frank Reich which was only a big day in THIS house. He sucked.

Neil O'Donnell then came along and I officially stopped caring.

I'm numb to any New York Jets victories until we get to the Superbowl.

I could have seen that bullshit in Denver coming from a mile away.

I was thoroughly wrapped up in Jetsmania until we took a 10-0 lead...and then that was it. 10-0.

That 10-0 lead didn't get messed with...but it was looking stale.

Clearly the Denver defense was a fingernail from killing Testaverde and taking over this game.The Jets weren't moving. You can feel it.

We had beaten Jacksonville the previous week in a game that I was 37 seats and 11 rows up behind Doctor Dickwickle on AM 1390 in the morning or whatever he's called.

Giants Stadium was a death trap that afternoon.

It was a great day to be a man with a penis and testicles.

Oh boy Keyshawn Johnson.

He was even used on defense.

He intercepted Brunell.

Jacksonville should have won.

They were down by 7 with 2 minutes left AND we had the ball.

Testaverde back to THROW?!



But Donovan Darius....runs OUT of the endzone and gets tackled!!!!!


He wouldn't down it.

Now Brunell has to start his drive not from the 20...but from the ONE!!!!!


So we're moving on and it's PAN-DO-MON-IUM!!!!

I almost didn't care about your team anymore.

Or your team.

Or your team.

The Bills were out of my head.

I liked girls, I don't know...what about you? Am I crazy? Call me crazy.

Yes, I said it.

The New York Jets, being located in the biggest money market on Earth, attracted the countercultural New Yorkers.

This means that there is a heavy amount of masturbation among alot of the white boys who don't know what the fuck to do without our posse anymore.

I miss them.

I win all our pick-up games, yet they can ALWAYS got the alcohol and didn't look a day older then me.

Giants fans.

Every one.


So who are the Jets gonna get?

We have a while to learn because the Denver game doesn't start until everyone's already long home.

Elway and Marino are a DOGFIGHT.

This would turn out to be on the great battles in NFL playoff history.

The two had never played each other in the playoffs. Ever.

Now in their second to last game/seasons, here they are.

Unfortunately, Elway was now the Montana of the Montana-Elway dynamic.

They beat the Dolphins 38-3 or something AFTER Trace Armstrong makes Flutie fumble the ball in the wildcard game (Buffalo had played Miami in the wildcard game, showing their last faint of promise we ever see again).

And so Denver was going to play the Jets.


Their opponents in the Superbowl looked like it would be the Minnesota Vikings.

Dennis Green, the NFL's second black head coach after the Raiders' Art Shell, was all about giving chances to people who others in the NFC overlooked, and had given Randy Moss the nod with the draft when everyone else said he was a felon and an asshole.

Randy Moss would turn out to be probably the one reciever I'd take of this whole group we've ever talked about.

Even over Swann.

Cunningham in the 80s had Cris Carter who went to Minnesota and just took the fuck over.

Now Carter was helping Moss.

Cunningham, Carter, Moss, and Robert Smith the running back.

The Vikings went 15-1.

Their opponents would be an Atlanta team that, just like Parcells's Jets, had been thoroughly revitalized with the help of the new coach...

Dan Reeves.

Reeves in Week 14 would have heart surgery.

In Week 17, he was back.

In Week 20, they were going into the NFC Championship game against the Vikings.

To get there they had beaten the San Francisco team that had won on the last second Terrell Owens touchdown.

That game had been BALLER.

Give it up to Steve Young vs. Brett Favre. It could have been on pay-per-view.

I wouldn't have bought it, but I probably would have gone to your house to watch it anyway. And make fun of it.

So Atlanta's defense.

Eugene Robinson of the Packers would come and teach them how to intercept the ball.

And I'm not even kidding, because Ashley Ambrose and Ray Buchanan would have stand-out years.

The linebackers were Jessie Tuggle and Cornelius Bennett of the Bills.

The fat fucks on the line were Lester Archambeau and Chuck Smith.

The Falcons had a rookie who would become their Steve Tasker -- Tim Dwight.

I was always well aware of the fast white recievers who could hit and return punts because I'm white and they were the best examples of what I could hope for.

Every time they enter the league, I'm onto them.

I was onto Dwight.

So Atlanta and Minnesota highlights are everywhere.

Gary Anderson missed a kick that would have put them up by 10 with 2 minutes left.

Instead he misses it, in the Metrodome, not even a 40 yarder, and Chris Chandler and Jamal Anderson lead a Hollywood-worthy drive downfield with Tony Smith and Terrence Mathis, until Mathis CATCHES THE TOUCHDOWN!!!!

So we're going into overtime.

And this's Morten Andersen to kick for Atlanta.

Morten Andersen was the Saints kicker and he always hits 50+.

Oh...and this is a dome too.

The kick...IS GOOD!!!!!

The Falcons are in the Superbowl, do you believe this?!

Alright now here's the cool part of all this --

Dan Reeves smiles and steps out on the field where about three of his wildest, wackiest outlaw players approach him and...try to figure out all of a sudden how to congratulate the guy.

Do they hug him?

Do they say "thanks coach this is just fine?"

What do they do? Shake his hand?

The man who once told the Broncos to relax before their 55-10 bashing in the Superbowl...hadn't taken the form of a relaxed man for years.

In other words, even before the coronary surgery, his players wouldn't have known how to congratulate him.

It's at this moment, ladies and gentlemen, that Dan Reeves does a form of the Dirty Bird like your mom would do...very slight and very off jolting of the elbows.

The black dudes LOVE THIS!!!!!

And he reaches out to collect them for a great big hug.

Maybe it was that Reeves realized at that moment that these guys were about to go and try to massacre Elway.

You want to get on Dan Reeves's good side in 1998, that was the way to do it.


The Superbowl itself was dumb.

34-19 Denver, they repeat as world champs, good for you John, you can retire now, your wife thank god is hot and thus your daughter won't look TOO much like you.

Lord, could you imagine if the MANNINGS had a daughter?

Look at Archie, that old, wretched ugly motherfucker.

Look at that hot bitch he's with.

Now look at Peyton and Eli and the other one who they keep locked in the basement when the cameras show up.

Ugly dudes.

But very clearly...LESS ugly...then Archie.

Yet we talk about the Superbowl because Eugene Robinson of the Packers would get arrested the morning of the game.

Know why?

He asked an undercover cop for a blow job.

He was willing to offer 40 dollars.

Hey your players better so they can afford the girls who make house calls.


He was in three fucking Superbowls you ASSHOLE.

to be continued...



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