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HUNTER S. THOMPSON VS DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS -- History of the NBA Finals Part 33
There exists a writer around this time named Hunter S. Thompson.
Hunter is the Philadelphia 76ers.
For the 76ers were a beacon of championships the way Hunter S. was a beacon of good health.
They sucked at both, but that didn't stop them from being beloved by the world.
Hunter S. was always paranoid, and writing so in Rolling Stone magazine with another youngster named Tom Wolfe.
I am Charlotte Simmons around this time was Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.
So Fear and Loathing in Philadelphia thus will see a whole lot of money, a whole lot of girls, a whole lot of fun...but a future of Tipper Gore and health insurance premiums that are so grim that you just want to shoot yourself first.
For there is no story that is as intriguing to the NBA as Boston vs. Los Angeles...or in newspapers and magazines like Rolling Stone...Meat Loaf.
Black vs. white was what the world saw, and that is gold to 1980s sales machines.
It's a Republican Commercial Campaign...from the Heavens.
For this rivalry can be made simple to understand...while being completely insensitive to both blacks and poor white hicks.
One's on the EAST COAST...one's on the WEST COAST...
There was no room for Philadelphia anymore in the vernacular of the everyday.
Like Hunter S. Thompson and all the gonzo journalism it inspired.
And so the 76ers, in 1982, like Hunter S. did in 2005...shoot themselves with a loaded shotgun at the peak of their prominence...
Which was to get home court advantage in the Finals against Los Angeles...and win the first game.
This was the peak.
This was 2005 for Hunter S.
Then he shot himself.
And the Lakers win in 1982.
But that's not all.
For the Lakers are in fact...Mark Paul Gosselaar and company in "Dead Man on Campus."
The Lakers from 1980 on had been cruising.
Magic Johnson is Cooper from Dead Man on Campus, who played Zac in "Saved by the Bell."
He's magnanimous, charming, and inviting his movers up to the dorm for some pot with a gigantic freaking bong.
"Ha ha ha," Magic says. "We should have never done that shit in Boston! Ha ha ha--"
Meanwhile Kareem and Michael Cooper and Jamaal and Norm Nixon are Josh.
They're just trying to get some studying done.
What the hell, Magic?!
But that's not all.
As they're done studying quietly and try to get a good night sleep...in the door is kicked...BOOOOMM!!!!!
Magic's kissing them and being like awww you got great instincts, awwww yeah you like the Magic mannnnnnnn....
Meanwhile Kareem is pretending to still be asleep eight feet away.
"What about your roommate?" Magic's groupies ask.
"Oh..." says Magic. "Don't mind Hookshot! He likes to watch, baby! Everybody likes to watch the Magic mannnnnnnn!"
And so the Lakers try to sit their enthusiastic new phenom down in this L.A. lobby somewhere, and tell him dude -- you have to calm the fuck down.
You have to tone it down, Magic.
Fun's a dead end, Coop!
"Naaaaa, maaaan!" Magic-Paul Gosselaar assures them. "We should be having fuuunn out there, Cap!"
Kareem and the others are shaking their heads frustrated.
There seems no breaking through to Magic at all.
"Oh my god!" Magic says to them while wearing a stethoscope. "I can hear my heart-beat through my penis!"
"Dammit Magic," says Kareem. "Get that out of your pants! I need that for medical school!"
"You don't want to bow down to my magic wand?" Magic asks with phony sorrow.
"NO Magic I don't," says Kareem rolling his eyes. "Now give it back."
But then something happened -- they found Los Angeles the way Cooper's right hand man Josh from Dead Man on Campus, on the right track and doing great thus far...finds sex with Pepper Montgomery.
They discover that L.A. is awesome, and that the season is long.
What were we thinking, Magic? Spending all that time in practice!
So they start indulging, and losing.
Where are the papers? The papers, Kareem!
Kareem wakes up from his pot nap to realize they're not even the best team in the league anymore and there's still all this season left.
Paul Westhead and Kareem had had them on a track...well they...don't...HAVE...a...track...
They have nothing.
But then they hear a rumor that if they can get a good bencher, a good sixth man, they can continue to live like slobs and still win the championship!
But where to find this bencher who will do all the work for them?
And so they break into a psychiatrist ward and pull out a bunch of files.
It is then that they think they have the ultimate -- Bob McAdoo.
When they find the NBA's original Big Shot Bob, he was hanging outside his frat house window throwing water balloons at people.
The Lakers go to meet him, and he asks them if they ever get horny.
They look at each other and go...yeah...yeah, sure we get horny.
Well great man, cuz I get these URRRRRGES sometimes...
And so McAdoo humps a lamp, and screws a couch right in front of him.
The other Lakers are willing to say fuck it.
Meanwhile Hunter S. Thompson was doing just enough to beat Larry Bird without actually working up a sweat.
First he goes up 3-1 on them like they did last year.
Hunter S. assumed that the other Rolling Stone veterans could take care of the rest, assuring that his legacy can be continued and even prolonged.
They end up tied 3-3, with game 7 IN BOSTON!!!!!
So Hunter S. comes out, gives us a few rambling sports gambling predictions, and then goes back to his house with his young wife and grabs a drink.
In the wake of this Philadelphia victory in Boston Garden in Game 7, the fans were very appreciative.
Beat L.A., they chanted.
McAdoo will end up burning Alyson Hannigan's hair and taking the Lakers on a high-speed chase directly through the NBA Finals.
It looks like Philadelphia's going to take it at first.
L.A. in fact looks like it's given up, and about to jump off.
Magic has to convince these fools that they're still on course.
Little does even Magic realize...this show of pussy that Kareem likes to do...is precisely the way to trick Philadelphia...into being lazy!
They don't throw Josh out of school, this is in fact the way to assure that he WON'T BE EXPELLED!!!!
Nor does Magic's dad take offense anymore to being called Flushels the Toilet Cleaning Clown.
And so both get to stay in Los Angeles.
And Bob McAdoo...remains freaking horny.