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SUNDAY NIGHT CLUBBING -- History of the Super Bowl Part 15

Updated on January 18, 2010


The NFL was funny.

They tried exclusion.

They tried reserving all its' permanent spots and honors for NFC personnel.

They tried strikes.

They tried moving.

They even...god forbid...tried using ticket money to build winners so they could then lose and blame the players and fans.

All it did...was destroy every single team in the NFL except for four of them.

Seattle, Miami, San Francisco...and the surprise of the season...Chicago.

For these were sneaky manuevers the owners were doing.

Nothing official, all under the table.

These things only destroy 90% of the world.

Everyone who is REALLY strong and self-sufficient...won't be affected.

They would have had it been public and official and legal.

It wasn't even supposed to go on at all, see?

So only the most vulnerable teams would end up blowing themselves.

Taking the bait.

Seattle, Miami, San Francisco and Chicago were like the very rich citizens of a country when there's a draft.

Everyone else, even if they manage to avoid it, ends up growing their hair, doing drugs, saying fuck you, and going off to play in Hawaii like Calvin Hill just for the FUN OF IT!!!!!!

And so it's no surprise that not only are Seattle, Miami, San Francisco and Chicago the only ones still remaining in late January, 1985...

But the ones who were right behind them happened to be Minnesota, Dallas and Pittsburgh.

People who might not be at the top of the league now, but who WERE winners, and ARE rich.

To understand the owners at this point, is to understand the film "Total Recall."

This is the first movie I've ever seen where the term "rebels" is used to describe the good guys.

It's the bad guy Cohagen's official description of the people trying to save Mars from his grasp.

Remember he's making them pay for the air they breathe while they're on Mars.

The rebels think there's a way this can be reversed, and so attack the ice-mines with machine guns in the hopes of liberating the oxygen for everyone to breathe.

The rebels were the wonderful entertainers of the AFC, guys who had brains that moved faster then normal.

Guys who got bored.

Guys who had giddiness and excitement when they played.

This is why, after all the nonsense and griping that went on behind closed doors during the strike, as we were all led to believe there were some at least halfway serious financial matters on these owners minds...the rules that come out of all this are as followed...

No more touchdown dances

No "sack" dances, like my man Gastineau used to do.

The trailing team can't just do onside kicks until they get it or lose it....once it goes out of bounds once, there's a BIG loss of yards AND you don't get to try again.

And last but not least, as an f u to Al Davis, there is now a big obscure asterisk that has been included when it comes to blocking kicks and punts. (Jensen).

The rule goes that you can't block one of these things UNLESS you do it from the line of scrimmage.

In other words, the Hogs have to be able to have a chance to cream you.

There was also a rule saying no deception -- no flopping like Dennis Rodman and all his theatrics. If you're the long snapper or the kicker, and you weren't knocked down, you can't FAKE being knocked down.

Nobody in the NFL was allowed to "not" get hit.

No faking the officials out.

There was also a more defined definition of our favorite bullshit new rule -- the TUCK rule.

If you knock the ball out of the quarterback's hands, it now matters if he was in his overhand motion while you were doing it.


These were all tactics that, essentially, it took world class coaching from Y.A. Tittle and Jim Thorpe to not have to rely on.

And meditation from the Mahurishi himself.

All the dope in the world.

How does an all-pro bad ass not become Michael Strahan when he's about to go and do what he loves?!

People love making cool people have to dress up, act right, tuck in their shirts, be boring, take boring, and go home, retire and die. That's what was happening to the NFL.

Of course it was easy for the NFC's stars to be calm and civil and formal acting...they had the creativity of a fucking pea.

Could the AFC still function if they had rules and regulations to follow?

This the heaping loads of outright deception...would again...serve to cripple everybody but Seattle, Miami, San Francisco and Chicago.

Let's see how!

Seattle's Dave Krieg was growing up.

Bill Walsh, turning around Pac-10 schools left and right, was a judge of talent of Mike-Ditka-like-proportions.

Being a college football coach AND a pro coach interchangably, was a rare thing, and that's what Walsh was.

Sam Wyche would be one of the many coaches of the football team at Indiana University to go 3-9. Seven years later, he was in the Super Bowl with the Bengals.

Any many many many many many college coaches fuck up in the pros.

So Walsh was able to attack the draft with ALOT of expertise.

Sure enough, since 1981, he would acquire Manu Tuiasopo (NT), Guy McIntyre (G), Mike Walter (LB), Michael Carter (DT), Jim Fahnhost (LB), and Jeff Fuller (DB).

Walsh's west-coast offense was also placated. Before Jerry Rice, the star 49ers reciever was Freddie Solomon. He and Dwight Clark had about 1,600 recieving yards between them in 1984.

Carl Monroe and Roger Craig were in the backfield with our man Wendell Tyler. 

Yet somehow, San Francisco was hardly the favorites.

That honor went to Miami.

I told you about the Dolphins. Winners.

There was nothing like the show Marino put on in the 84 season. He had recievers, he had runners, he had blockers, and would finish with 5,300 fucking passing yards.

In sixteen games.

They would go 15-1.

The Dolphins would have only one weakness -- they had a few starting linebackers who were 22 and 23 years old.

To be continued.

For before we get to Super Bowl XIX, we have to get to their challengers.

Seattle would blow it, they finally beat the Raiders in the playoffs, only so Miami could funk them up.

Yet during the NFC Divisional Playoffs, a story was getting hotter by the minute.

We take you to Washington, where the Redskins are on the verge of losing their first game at RFK Stadium.

To the Chicago Bears.

Walter Payton had become the NFL's all-time rushing leader this season just as Eric Dickerson was about to break O.J. Simpson's single season record.

This win in Washington, with Steve Fuller hitting McKinnon and Payton throwing a bomb to Gault...was the beginning of the men known for the Superbowl Shuffle.

They were going to the NFC Championship against San Francisco.

Fuck it.

23-0 the final.

Bill Walsh's rookies on defense would sack Fuller nine times, and make Payton have to run sweeps 10 yards backwards trying to outrun people at the sidelines.

So the 49ers and Dolphins.

Everything was tied back and forth until Bill Walsh in the third quarter...goes at those young Miami linebackers like Fahnhost and Walter.

The way he does this of course is the same way he put me in the hospital.

Yet, the 49ers backs have no problem NO PROBLEM with playing the slot position.

The linebackers can't touch them, the secondary can't touch them, they just dart five yards to the middle, collect their pass from Montana, and then run 68 yards.

This was how Jerry Rice would end up with so many yards later on.

The 49ers were a particular breed of annoying this way.

Craig and Monroe in particular were being utilized in the same fashion, going those same routes as Solomon and Clark. Catching everything.

Montana would be able to get a whole bunch of rushing yards and even a PASS FAKES. Not even draws or traps. Just because Miami had so fucking much to concentrate on.

Walsh, Montana and the 49ers had done it again. 38-16, they were world champions for the second time in four years.


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